Jayce's thread

[Jayce]

Hi Diane.

Yeah, facing anything that is a threat to ego or self-image is hard enough. I wish it didn't get the little kid responses, "You're always picking on me. I'm never good enough. I never do anything right."

Facing something frightening from the past is a much worse challenge. Or just facing any long standing feelings, habits and finding them negative, outdated, ignorant, or problematic is even worse. What guy wants to feel ignorant? Or risk having a crying jag in front of another adult male even if it is a shrink? I have empathy with that, but I still think some people need to do it to get to a full, satisfying life.

Just simple common sense disappears when something might be emotional. We're back to H having no signals again. I suggested ML Sat nite & got no response. (He says he said "sure") Sun. we went to a horse thing in the aft. TV after dinner. Reruns so I read a book. After a couple hours he sat next to me for about half hour then went back to his chair. Both evenings when he was talking about what to watch next I suggested turning the thing off & going to bed (big smile). As usual, he didn't answer & left it on. Around 10:30 he went to get ready for bed. Didn't say anything. I was really bummed by that time. Sun. nite. Last possible minute & no invitation. I turned up for bed w/kleenex, flannels on & book. He watched silently. Notice I was almost in tears? Nope. A few min later I turned out the light & he rolled over the other way. I sat up and said in more polite words, WTF?? Outcome, he said "I thought we were going to ML tonite." How the h*** was I suppose to know that!? so I made him talk under duress. Again with the "what am I supposed to do? & you're picking on me". Jeeeeeezz.

Common sense idea: if he did say "sure" what's next? sitting there waiting for me to do what? How about getting up, walking over & kissing me, hugging me, turning off that @#$%^&* TV? Another idea, last nite, I asked him what I do before ML. He had no idea. I reminded him he could have lit a candle, turned the bedroom light down, been undressed. The signal I get is he's hoping I won't initiate. He "thought" we were going to?? Not he "wanted to"? I asked him why he expects me to initiate considering I'm the one who tends to get rejected where he never does if he initiates. I asked him if he has recovered any libido. He doesn't know but he thinks so. I couldn't help it by then. I reminded him he still isn't talking about how he feels about sex. In general, specifically, with me, whatever. I said a couple things in the line of "so you think..." and "you must be doing this cuz..." and got his usual trump card: "You're trying to analyze me" (ya think?) to which I said if he doesn't tell me, what does he expect me to think? If you can't talk about it, how about at least a clue, like multiple choice, pick one of my guesses that's close. I asked him why I'm the one who has to refill his "pill" script & if he's embarrassed to do it. Then he griped about the price. (A little tip, guys, WRONG comment)I'm evidently so not worth it.

Sorry to be ranting again, but I'm so #$%^ bummed today. His first words were "I spent all day with you" Like that's currency? A tradeoff? Like he only has to do one nice thing a day? No, said he didn't mean it that way. He volunteered to go to the horse event. He thought it was interesting. We got along fine. For once I wasn't worried about him complaining since it was his idea. We were having a nice day. Until later.

When I've explained clearly more than once in the past, how does he not get that silent TV watching is a, not a signal; b, not foreplay; and c, not turning either one of us on?? Where is the common sense? Even if he did say "sure" Sat., where's the enthusiasm? Why's the TV still on & he sits passively not even turning his head in my direction? (That may be a characteristic of a passive-aggressive, but I'm not so sure. Either way, it stinks). What did he expect to happen? So he got mad because I cried & claimed he couldn't fall asleep. Yelled at me that he'd never have sex w/me again. His worst threat? Hit me where he knows it'll hurt? After he hurt my feelings in the first place?

This morning he did his usual testing the water by trying some banal conversation to see if I would talk. (No, I'm not over it-no I don't want to talk about the laundry). I didn't say more than half a dozen words. Didn't stay in the room w/him. I wish I had someplace to go so I wouldn't be home tonite when he gets home from work, but I'm in such a bad mood, I don't want to inflict myself on anyone.

He read another 9-count'em 9 whole pages in the New Male Sexuality book on Sat. Hasn't touched it for a month. The next chapter is the one about intimacy. At this rate, I figure he'll get to it around Easter. One more thing telling me I'm not really all that important. Hoping it'll all go away & whatever he's done so far is enough & I'll shut up now. Even a polite request about the book every 3 weeks or so he considers nagging. He knows that label hurts & uses it whenever he wants me to shut up.

I know, I know, except for 2 wks ago when we had sore backs from carrying the dog, he's ML once a week. Never during the week & never twice on the weekend, but at least its once & you'd be thrilled with that. But I'm never sure. And I know if we skip 2 wks in a row its all over & means starting from scratch. This is so not my Self Actualization. Not what I wanted to grow up to be. It is appalling how undesirable he can make me feel. I could have gone after him either nite, but it feels like I'm making him do something he doesn't want to. Begging makes me feel worse.

I'm guessing he'll come home tonite & want to Ml to make up for last nite. Genuine regret? Maybe. Feels more like either a sop so I'll shut up or a few crumbs for the pitiful needy. Whatever happened to that cute guy who used to grab me in the hallway grin and say, "Hey, wanna fool around?" How could he forget about the fun? How can he not miss it? I miss it so much it makes it hard to enjoy anything else. A lot like getting food cravings when you're on a diet, only worse.

With any kind of luck, things will seem better tommorrow & I won't be whining and crying at all of you.
J