Is the answer blowing in the wind?

[Trixi]

Journaling
Well, I did go to an al-anon meeting on Friday. It was good. There is a CoDA meeting this Wednesday I think I may go to.

H and I got together Saturday and he told me that he had written a list of what he thinks about when he thinks about me and our relationship. Sort of a free form association/stream of consciousness; what was interesting to him was that it started out with things like 'attraction' 'urge' 'smell' 'desire' and morphed into 'friendship' 'stability'. (He didn't have the list with him, so he was just giving broad brush strokes.) He is hoping that the counselor will be able to illuminate why he wrote the words in the order he did. He also said that he hoped going to counseling would help us be completely open and honest. I said "what if the counselor says it sounds like you love me?" and he says "Well, THAT much is obvious. I DO love you."

While we were at the rehab thing, a guy read his first 'step' and it included cheating on his wife, going out til all hours, not being there for his kids, etc. The guy was crying as he read it to the group and I cried too. After it was over and we were headed to go burn the paper, my H says "that brought up a lot of stuff for you, huh?" And I said "probably not how you might be thinking" and he said "you saw a lot of me in it, right?" and i said i did and he said "I saw me in it too. It opened my eyes some." He then said something about bad behavior in bars and that I 'probably didn't want to know everything' and by then I was pissed and said "yeah, lets move forward basing things on lies and omitted facts." I got SUPER agitated and wanted someTHING from him. We went back to the room and I said that I wanted a heartfelt apology and for him to admit that he had a drinking problem. (UGH!! STUPID!) He minimized things; I said what I HATE which is "You're in DENIAL!" (Rolling eyes at myself) Even as I was speaking, in my brain I was screaming to myself "shut up!! it's not helping; he's shutting down SHUT UP" But my mouth just kept at it.

He was visibly irritated and annoyed and left to go to an AA meeting with SS. I went back to the room and cried and cried. And felt more and more lonely. It reminded me of when he would go out and I would never know when he would come home. It was not a good time.

A couple hours later he was back. I had a chance to nap a little. He came in and could tell I'd been crying and said "how you doing? feeling lonely?" which got the waterworks going for me. Anyway, he said "That was wrong of me to do those things to you. I was acting out. It was mean. I am sorry. Will you be able to forgive me?" I said "yes" and he smiled- so I added "I said I will be ABLE to, not that I already HAVE!" (Which is true to a degree. I still feel like I want to see some real REAL remorse.)

Anyway, the rehab place stirred up lots and lots of memories of what happened when we were together and he was going out. His position right now is that the DUI was a wake up call/slap in the face. He doesn't think he has a problem because he doesn't drink ALL the time or feel compelled to; I said "If it hurts yourself or those around you, it's a problem. It's not the frequency- it's what happens when you *do* drink." He did start to 'see' what I was saying. And I didn't actually want to argue about it, but he was bringing up how OTHER people have drinking problems, not him. And that when he was going out to bars when we were together he was "acting out"-not having a problem with alcohol--and that for years prior he didn't really drink...but even he had to say just as soon as he said that, "of course, 'guy at rehab' didn't drink for years before he relapsed, so...." Whatever. Whenever *I* say anything about it, he gets defensive, so I need to shut my yap.

Our counselor is Gottman trained, so I am looking forward to that.
Day after tomorrow I pick SS up at rehab and take him to a sober living house near the rehab place. IOW, 2.5 hours away. And that is fine by me. I think he needs to live a distance away so he doesn't think he has an easily accessible saftey net.
That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it. :P