Innocent

[Jayce]

Hey, C-boy.
How are your days at home alone w/D & W at school & work?

I can't imagine how hard your W has been working to stay away from any real conversation since you've been off work & she was home & D was at school every day. In my 1st marriage it was hard to do any long fruitful conversations cuz of kids around.

I know you can't live with the way it is now. I couldn't either. I never thought of leaving. But I couldn't get through to him. A father of one of my students saw me out biking & started a conversation about it next time he came to the pool. Eventually we were seeing each other alone. Yeah. Real smart. Of course, 1st H was cluelessly busy w/hobby. For $$ reasons, I quit PT job & got FT job w/bene's, etc. H said 2 things: 1. If the kids become delinquents its my fault cuz I'm not home after school. 2. Since I'm bringing in extra $$ we can take a nice vacation next summer. Uh, you see the contradiction? When I finally brought up the big D, he was thunderstruck & his pals told him to start following me around. He then visited everyone we knew including parents, tattling, presenting himself as poor baby. And me as...you know that one. I didn't find out until after the D that he'd done this.

What has ensued over the years is that I have always been blamed for the divorce. I would have even w/out the affair because I NEVER told anyone about his PE (which was my fault according to him) and his complete lack of interest in sex for 4-5 years. Nor did I mention my part time job $$ made his hobby possible.

Judging by the Christmas card list, I lost half our friends in the divorce. The kids weren't told about the affair. They thought H & I were still "friends", but as adults they've been put on the spot where he's basically told them to choose between us. As in not inviting me to grandkids' B-day parties cuz he & W are "uncomfortable" around me- & they see nothing wrong cuz its just what I "deserve". (I've always thought if his W loves him, she should be kissing my feet cuz she wouldn't have him if I hadn't dumped him). They even pressured youngest to come live w/them (so they could raise him he her D as "their 2 kids"). Causing a 9 yr old anguish & fear. Really nice folks.

Keep this kind of scenario in mind. Its the tip of the iceberg. As close as your W and D are, you are probably looking at some pretty bad consequences in your relationship w/D. She's way old enuf to get what's going on & have her (teenage) opinions affected by your W.

I know you have to do something or go nuts, but do think ahead a little. Maybe rather than the ultimatum you have prepared, you might make it that she has to go to counseling for at least a year or you will D. She seems to have wanted a comfy life w/kid, no day job, and easygoing guy who wouldn't ask for anything but a cook & housekeeper. She wanted to have it better than her mom & that's all. Self-actualization - "this is what I want to be". She doesn't aspire to be anything else. Never thought about what a wife really is.

If you can get W to go for C, by the time its done, your D will be in college, more on her own. It won't be so earth shaking for her. Might help your relationship w/her.

Just a thought.
Jayce
P.S. Didn't marry the A guy. I'm not THAT dumb.