Wayward Wife/MLC or Just Bad Behavior

[fitzge]

Here is the tale. I've been married for a long time. WW has pulled this stunt twice. About 10 years ago, she took one of my daughters out of state for an abortion. That procedure resulted in daughter spending 6 weeks in an ICU (she nearly died). Next thing I know, WW is dating/living with her boss, who is 27 years older. This went on/off for nearly 2 years, and contact was not competely broken until 8 months ago. Yes, I know I was the doormat and did many things wrong -- basically enabled the inappropriate behavior. WW never expresssed remorse for what happened to daughter nor for this first affair. She had all the benefits of the marriage? and none of the responsibilty.

Fast forward to summer 2008. WW has been a heavy beer drinker for years. On a normal work night, WW put away 6 to 9 beers, and on a weekend all bets were/are off. In my opinion, she is an alcoholic. Her spending, which has always been an issue, went out of control. She ran up $25,000 on credit cards for motorcycles and impulse items. Of course, this was hidden from me. I live in a community property state, so guess who owns half that debt? Anyway, in late summer, her comings and goings became more erratic and unpredictable -- out on a Friday night with a female cousin to bars and returning dead drunk at 2 or 3 in the morning. She also began to wear teenage type clothing -- imagine a 5'3", 165 pound, 51 year old woman waltzing out the door in jeans way too tight, wearing a shirt where her breasts nearly flop out. She is proud of those 38DDs, but forgets the waist is also big.

By Oct, she was spending weekends at the bar and sleeping it off during the day. On 4 Oct, one of my daughters clued me in that there was OM. The next weekend, WW's ring came off because it "itched." I also got "the SPEECH" that weekend. It was a slight variation of the classic, but was basically, "I've (WW) been lonely and miserable for 10 years. We are incompatible. I am not going to live like this for the next 10. You (me) deserve someone who will make you happy." I put up with HER running for 3 weeks -- I was nicer than hell, and then retained an attorney and had her served on 23 Oct 08. She has moved into a rented place with OM and one of my daughters. Contact with her has been limited to a couple phone calls where I was told, "she could never trust me again for what I've done to her." I told her family, my children, and my family what she was doing. At this point, I am 4 months in (including Oct) and all indications are life is grand for her -- with plans to purchase the rental (huge mortgage). Oh, I almost forgot, OM owns a bar -- perfect for an alcoholic. Other than that, loser with tax problems, no assets, lived with his mom. You get the idea. So, do WWs come out of this emotional fog? I've heard around the 6 month point or so. In the meantime, the lawyers keep me busy and SHE is unhappy that I will not agree to all her settlement conditions. I received an email from HER telling me to act like an adult -- not sure what prompted that, but I did not take the bait. I did not respond. Looking for any and all inputs.

[kat727]

Wow!! They say MLC can easily last a decade, but I think your wives issues are just bad behavior on her part. Did you have tell her you weren't going to put up with being treated like this? Does she have a job currently?

Sounds as if you let her cake eat for the past ten years and she thinks she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. She does say the normal spew for these A loving people. I am sort of at a loss as to tell you how to sort out this mess. I would advise focusing on you and getting yourself to a point where you feel good in your skin. I would stay dark on her. It sounds as if you have always been her backup when things go wrong. You don't deserve this, no one does.

Ask yourself, do you really want her back? She has been in and out of this for 10 years, have you seen her resemble the person you feel in love with during this time?

Sorry more questions than advice. Keep posting and maybe we can break this all down a bit better.

kat

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So, do WWs come out of this emotional fog?

Why on earth would you WANT her to?

Good riddance, I say. Time to work on getting your self-respect back.

Puppy

[Vdad]

What Puppy said...^

[fitzge]

kat727

1. I told her I would not tolerate the behavior. She told me she would what she wanted when she wanted. I felt like I was dealing with an 8 year old.

2. She works, but it is a dead end, low paying state job.

3. I've had 4 months to shift the focus to me. Initially I was on the affair diet -- lost 35 pounds in 4 weeks. They ought to market it on TV. Found a support group, saw a counselor, got issued anti-depressant (first time in my life taking a happy pill). Actually was able to repair some badly damaged relationships with my adult children.

4.

Ask yourself, do you really want her back? She has been in and out of this for 10 years, have you seen her resemble the person you feel in love with during this time?
kat

I struggle with this question. I know all the reasons why I should not even remotely consider that taking back option. Unfortunately, in times of weakness I entertain the fantasy should the option present itself. She no more resembles the person I met decades ago than the man on the moon. She is currently invalidating any and all the values/beliefs she gave lip service to.

Keep the questions/comments coming. I am trying to work through this.

[fitzge]

Puppy Dog Tails and VancouverDad

Why would I want her back??

Good question and the short answer is I don't know. Folks, I am still confused -- although not as badly as when this thing took off. I've about worn my welcome out with my sister -- get support from her, but it is wearisome when I am fixated on one subject.

Anyway, I am here for that BIG REALITY check. And if it takes folks hitting me over the head, then hammer away.

Thanks for the comments

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ask yourself, do you really want her back? She has been in and out of this for 10 years, have you seen her resemble the person you feel in love with during this time?
kat

I struggle with this question. I know all the reasons why I should not even remotely consider that taking back option. Unfortunately, in times of weakness I entertain the fantasy should the option present itself. She no more resembles the person I met decades ago than the man on the moon. She is currently invalidating any and all the values/beliefs she gave lip service to. [/quote]

Fitz,

I get this. COMPLETELY. We ALL have to weigh carefully how much we still love the person we see now, in their "fogged out" state, versus the one we married. I GET that.

But "decades"???? My question for you, is your image of what you want this woman to be the aberration, or is her recent behavior?

Puppy

[fitzge]

Puppy Dog Tails

But "decades"???? My question for you, is your image of what you want this woman to be the aberration, or is her recent behavior?

Puppy [/quote]




I think the honest answer to your question (at the end of the day) is I created an illusion of a person and used that illusion to overlook a lot of BS. You are asking me was she/has she always been the way she currently is. With the exception of the magnitude which manifest itself 10 years ago, and did the recent repeat -- Yes.

[kat727]

Correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think you married her to be a "parent" to her. If she has never been made accountable for the stuff she is pulling, or she has never acted in a responsible fashion, I say good riddance.

Of course, only you can decide that, but I wouldn't take that for as long as you have. I understand love, but this is punishment.

kat

[karen43]

Sounds like your W is just deep into alcoholism at this point. I think if she got sober you could give her a chance, but otherwise no. I don't think you can live your life hoping or wishing for an alcoholic to stop drinking and get sober, and should probably live your life as if she won't. Karen