She has been gone two nights now. Told my oldest SD15 we were going to live in two houses. Can't afford that.
OM she was having EA with..She called him on Sat night while at GF house. I blocked the number. She is now communicating with yet ANOTHER old HS friend (how the first EA started) and spending an hour a pop on the phone. There seems to be no end to her need for this OM drug. He is single as well.
The kids are wondering what's going on. She is trying to find a house to rent. We are currently in a Chapt. 13 Bankruptcy.
She is spiralling out of control. I have moved most of the money we have into a new account at my bank until she settles down.
I have to get some boundaries in place or shes going to blow us up. Am I off track here?
Keep in mind I just confronted her about affair on Sat. afternoon. SHe hasn't been back to the house since. Supposedly she will be back this afternoon, but unknown after that.
I feel like I have to get control of the situation as she is clearly only motivated by her desires, whatever it takes. I don't know this woman, never seen her before.
Thought? I know the post is a bit hectic but what the heck?
Jeff
***Getting up every day and learning to breathe in a new me. For me and my children***
Me: 43 W: 38 SD-15 S(s): 12,9,7 Separated-2/14/2009 My sitch
She is spiralling out of control. I have moved most of the money we have into a new account at my bank until she settles down.
I have to get some boundaries in place or shes going to blow us up. Am I off track here?
No, it's the smartest thing you've done so far. I meant to tell you to do this, but I neglected to. Wayward people in your wife's current state can clean out a bank account and max out credit cards at a SHOCKINGLY fast rate, and you MUST protect yourself and your children.
I would let her know what you're doing tho. Time for that entire "finances" letter to her. She's out of control.
Until she settles down. I need to control the situation.
I hurt for her and have NEVER seen her like this.
I will wait and see what happens next.
Jeff
If you sequester the finances, and let her know that you did, I'd counsel you to be prepared for The Wrath of God from her.
But unlike the TRUE GOD's wrath, hers will blow over. This is a great opportunity to begin to operate from a new paradigm:
In every situation with which you are faced, strive to do the right thing. The very thing that God Himself would have you do if He were standing right in front of you. No matter how difficult, how uncomfortable, how scary.
No longer operate from a position that many of us (including me!!!) do of, "How will SHE react? How will HER reaction make ME feel? Will she be angry with me?"
Do NOT just do this out of spite -- it has to be THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
It sounds like an amazingly simple concept, but yet's it's not. Well, check that: it IS simple; it's just not EASY.
But it IS liberating . . . I will promise you that. It will change your life forever, regardless of what happens with your wife.
When she blasts you on this, just calmly tell her "I did what I felt I needed to do to protect myself and our family."
or
"Everything I'm doing, I'm doing to fight for our marriage and for our family."
Now, SHE will say, with 99.9% predictability, that "Well, you just BLEW any chance you had!!!" or something VERY similar. When she does, just lather, rinse, repeat:
"I understand you feel that way. I did what I felt I needed to do to protect myself and our family."
She's gonna blow..No doubt. Thanks for the words and coaching, it makes a huge difference being here and getting guidance from those who have been here before.
Will updat on what fun and frivolity comes next.
Jeff
***Getting up every day and learning to breathe in a new me. For me and my children***
Me: 43 W: 38 SD-15 S(s): 12,9,7 Separated-2/14/2009 My sitch
Had brief Conversation with her today. Had to call her to ask her to get in and sign the BK papers so they don't dismiss the case. She called back and I asked her if she would be capable of us having a conversation tonight to resolve financial affairs.
She said yes and I told her things were a mess and we need to resolve some things . She agreed. I also asked her to make a comittment to stop with all of the OM activity as we are married. "can you make that committment?" Silence... She says "Jeff I want a divorce." Upgrading from a separation now...
I told her I didn't want to talk about that as I had things to do. We can talk tonight.. She kind of huffed and I let her go.
So we are signing BK papers this afternoon at the same time. So any words of wisdom on communication after that. No doubt there will be some talk then..
Suggestions?
***Getting up every day and learning to breathe in a new me. For me and my children***
Me: 43 W: 38 SD-15 S(s): 12,9,7 Separated-2/14/2009 My sitch
Huge update... Signed BK papers and asked to have coffee. She agreed. BUT, before I go there I called OM at work. The conversation went extremely well. He realized that things had gotten completely out of control, told my W so, and that she needed to go back and keep the family and marriage together. I told him thank you and asked him to have no further contact with my W. He agreed and said he was in a relationship and felt horrible about what happened.
So my W and I sit down and the conversation is so tense that I slowly, calmly, told her I intend to fight for my family and marriage. I asked her to slow down (she was talking divorce the morning) and we both needed to just breathe. She did and she started to relax and we started to communicate much like we used to. As I have realized before that if I would have known how to DB a month ago we wouldn't be in this place. However, it is what it is. She went on to descibe that she feels like a caged animal and all it does is push away any thoughts of rebuilding the marriage. She asked for space and I didn't give it, and all of my detective work has completely freaked her out. Well I said, you were having an affair that you were denying and it was necessary to get it out of the way and get the third party out of the equation. She understood that.
She seems to be coming out of her fog little by little and I can see the first glimpse of the woman I love. A glimpse mind you, but it was a baby step. She now realizes much of how ridiculous the EA is as I did on my own and we were able to have a calm convo about it.
She told me she needed a separation to give herself a chance to relax and that she would begin couple's counseling with me. I said if she would committ to two things I woulds separate: 1. That during the process we committ to not opening ourselves to ANY other realtionships. That we were separating for the purpose of space and to get rid of all of the junk in our marriage so we can grow and reconnect in a healthy way. What I could not support was separating to give the opportunity to nuture R with OM. She got that. 2. That we begin counseling to help us learn to communicate in a healthy way and correct the things that were definately wrong in our previous 14 years. She agreed.
She went on to tell me that she needed the separation to clear the way for those feelings to return with out feeling smothered. That I hadn't heard her saying this to her and if I couldn't give that she would just file for D.
Frankly, I think I need the space and peace as much as she does at this point so I don't think it will hurt us. It gives us a chance that didn't exist this am.
No doubt separation isn't the best but with all that has gone on between us I think it is necessary. BUt I actually have hope now that as of this am I didn't. I will be able to DB my butt off an really employ all of the techniques I am learning. With OM gone she can focus on us without pressure and distraction. AND I can work on ME.
So money going back in our bank and forward we go.
Thoughts?
Jeff
Last edited by Vancouverdad; 01/27/0901:30 AM.
***Getting up every day and learning to breathe in a new me. For me and my children***
Me: 43 W: 38 SD-15 S(s): 12,9,7 Separated-2/14/2009 My sitch
