Weekend is over. W left to drive her BF home who was driving MIL nuts. MIL was very upset adn told W not to bother coming back, it would be too late. d21 and her Boyfriend were here, son and DIL and grandson al;so. We were all watching gladiator. Son looked out the door, W had come back, he packed up his family and left, 5 minutes later D21 and her boyfrined left. Hmmmmm, nope, definitely ain'y me...
she sat in a corner of the room, I stretched out on the couch and let the MIL suit in the most comfrotable chair in the world!!!. Mine....
MIL mentioned my business trip and W was all about when are you leaving for that, and why didn't you tell me...I told her I leave Feb 2nd, why? she was concerned bout D17 being left alone, said she won't be D21 will be here.
I picked up after the movie and MIL and W said there good-byes, i went into the other room. No good-bye, no drop dead, no thanks for everything you did for my mother, nothing....
Half expected at least a good bye, but whatever. when she had left to drive her best friend home, everyone was on edge and stone faced. When they left we all chilled were talking and laughing. When she came in she saw us all laughing and having a good time. I was sitting at one end of the couch and she sat on the chair next to me rather than the other end of the couch. After DIL got up to leave, she was sitting int he middle of the couch next to me, I moved to the other end and put my feet up.
No signs, no nothing. Feel good still, just upset that I left my house today, but you know, it was better to leave angry adn come back calm then to blow up and drive everything into chaos.
D21 was having a beer and W asked to tryit. She says that was good any left, D21 said know. they had a whole 12 pack. she doesn't drink and get wrecked everytime she drinks, she literally drinks almost everyday. MIL was heartbroken when she left, said none of this was right. she said I was the perfect host and W should have kissed my ass for throwing such a goodtime for her, having nephews b'day, making the cake, cooking all the food, doing all the cleaning and paying for it all!. W never thanked me for anything, never acknowledged anything, nothing. But then again, she pissed away 31 years, what was a weeeknd.
LD my friend! Have you protected yourself financially? I may have missed it but are you guys legally separated? What happens if your W kills someone in the car or causes a multi car accident with multiple persons injured/killed/maimed and the ensuing litigation exceeds the liability insurance limits etc.........during a drinking spree?
I think the standing for your marriage stuff is wonderful. Problem is that you have no marriage. Not only does your W cheat on you but she is not even showing the slightest discretion. The drama I read in this unbelievable. My point being that really horrible dysfunctional behavior slowly but surely can become the norm if you let it. Probably not healthy for you.....or her.
From a religious standpoint, God let you out of this marriage as soon as she engaged in the infidelity aspect of her wild behavior. When is enough? Where do you draw the line? What does this teach your daughters? How much respect could your W possibly have for you, the longer this goes on? Just food for thought.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
We are not legally seperated. I have a lwyer and have all kinds of legal things done that protect me. She is very dysfunctional, her behavior yesterday was pinnacle for the kids and her own mother. My MIL talked to me over coffee this morning before she left for the airport. she couldn't believe it. She was floored. But she told me that she had talked to her cousin, the psychiatrist when she went to the Cape on firday. She said I am doing what needs to be done for now. She told MIL to tellme, don't rush, don't rush, don't rush....
MIL said she can't believe how well I am doing, how great the house looks, how great I look how everything is, thanked me for the weekend many times. She said W was looking at me all day yesterday and last night whle the 3 of us were watching the movie. I said, it hurt me that she never even thanked me for the weekend. Never said boo to me. MIL said it seemed to her that W had tried to get a conversation going a couple of times, and each time the conversation came down to MIL and me, and she was left outside looking in. Mil said she would be very surprised if W wasn't really thinking about you and her this weekend. Told her I had heard all of that before, nothing. I won't see or talk to her again, in any significant form until the end of April at Grandson's b'day. She said it is sad and it hurt her a lot to see it. she cried herself to sleep last night.
Drinking problem, her mother has one, her father had one, cost them their marriage on top of her pounding the crap out of her.
I am a firm believer that how our parents lived out their marriages plays a part in all this in our situations.
Kudos on up and leaving to cool out, that's something I know I wouldn't ahve been able to do. I remember back in September when I had a b-day party for my "renter", W came over and acted the same way, going through everything like all was peechy w/us an deven went so far as to clean the basememt bathroom!
I don't know my friend. Your W seems to have her issues, and being tanked all the time is going to catch up with her soon enough.
But like you said, and I've said, let OM deal with the party girl, I know I don't want to.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I am the only one who can help her. the hard part is she won't ask outright. I have started listing little things that have been said and implied. she is one lost soul. Dream had to do with us driving away from her friend and the OM turning and heading a different direction. I am driving her away from everything.
The word I am getting in my head is this, "let her "find" you. Stop hiding. I don't know how to do this, but apparently that is my word.
My MIL is really unhappy about all of this and more so now. I think me and her are even closer now than before and she was already one of my best friends. She has asked me to wait it out, please wait it out, she will be back she can't live like this much longer.
I think eventually it may come down to a battle of wills. Mine will win out. because my corner is stacked.
The partying lifestyle is getting old, she has to feel it, becasue she looks it. My d29 called and said you can seeher jowels. basically she has lost weight and her cheeks are sagging. She laughs and giggle sall happy and has comments about this and that, some sexual about this and that. she looked like an ass and sounded worse.
I do not talk to her, I answer questions quickly and now I feel I need to be more robust when talking to her.
I am the only one who can help her. the hard part is she won't ask outright.
If that was in regard to her drinking, then I can safetly say that you and I both know that statement is wrong. The single and only voice that needs to tell a drinker (or addict in general) they have a problem is their own.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I agree and Amy called me on that also. No, its not a matter of helping her quit, it has something to do with me. I don't know what it is. It isn't money, its not fixing her car, its making her quit drinkingm, seeing th elight or that. It is something to do with me. I believe it is being there to let her talk.
It is taking its toll on her. My forgivenss thing is working out great. I did finally realize that if you don't forgive yourself first, you cannot forgive anyone else.
Things I forgave myself for:
1. Ignoring my family for the party life. 2. Blaming myself for my W situation. 3. Not GAL'ng 4. Not taking responsibility for my own actions. 5. Blaming W for my unhappiness and happiness. 6. For wanting her back so I wouldn't be alone. 7. Hating her for not wanting me anymore. 8. For not being able to detach enough to forgive her.
I am hurting right now because of her condition. I had said I have been reading on this and all I can do is what I have been doing, watch and wait. Go on with my life, but keep an eye out. Again, she wasn't bombed or out of control. but then again, we ran out of booze. Her roomate whose house she lives in has been lying about their drinking at her house. Says they hardly ever drink at all. Not what her kids told me. but then again she swore on her grandchildren that OM doesn't sleep over htere, yeah he does...
I did get th eimpression she didn't want to leave tis weekend. She seemed comfortable. I don't think I was very hospitable to her. I mean I wasn't igorant or rude, but I think I could have treated her better. Second guessing myself. I think my heasd is clearer and my concern for her well being is greater. I know that I was nasty about her drinking and I should have come right out and said, she's a drunk and my battle is harder than ever.
Her roomate whose house she lives in has been lying about their drinking at her house. Says they hardly ever drink at all. Not what her kids told me. but then again she swore on her grandchildren that OM doesn't sleep over htere, yeah he does....
Remember, believe nothing you hear and half of what you see, on ALL fronts, trust no-one. That's what I've learned.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Still live by those words. DDay, it is unbelievable how i feel. I actually love my W more today. i am traveling next week. when I used to travel, what got me thru was calling her each night before I went to bed and each morning when I woke up. Don't have that now. But something that small and seemingly insignificant was a big part of my life.
I am very concerned about her well-being right now, more that her coming back to me. She is on a very bad path and is headed for a collision course with a disaster. I am prayting harder for Him to watch out for her, not brining her back to me. I am very worried and scared for her. She is oblivious to what I see, what others see. Her friends are concerned about her drinking, yet they go out for cocktails, and drink whenever they are together. She dropped off her friends keys last night because she left them at my house. her friend called me because I am going over for coffee after work. I said, did you get your keys, she said yeah. She said we just sat and talked had a couple of Captains and she left. She is drinking more i believe because the issues are not going away and her life is getting worse. She is running big time.
I think she was uncomfortable in the house when she came back and she saw her son and daughter leaving within minutes of her coming back. I think she was uncomfortable watching the movie and not really being part of her mother and my conversations. I think when she was leaving, it had to have hurt her to leave what was her home. To go to her one room, and be alone. Broke her mothers heart. \breaks mine everytime, but I did not choose this for her, her mother did not choose this for her, my kids did not choose this for her, she did. She walked to find the happiness she says she hasn't had in years. Well if happiness is drinking whenever you want and not having to be resposnsbile for your kids, home and life, then she has found it. I see an early grave at the end of this "happiness". I pray to God to watch over her and protect and help her find whatever it is I could not give her. My life is fgood, she could help make it great, but I will also do that without her.
