Did she cheat or just dirty text messages?

[25yearsmlc]

You are pushing her away by your obsessing. Stop saying it's over if she had an A, And then expecting a confession from her. What you got instead, is what most LBSers want; the knowledge that she chose you. You didn't force her to make the choice and she has broken off other ties as well. What more could you want, given the givens?

Oh you want proof that nothing happened? How can she prove a negative? She can't. You also have to do the same thing that everyone else has to do with infidelity; learn to get rid of your ego, and work on forgiveness. It AIN"T easy. We all get that. So, do you want to be "right" and snoop snoop snoop, hoping you find something so you can loudly proclaim your 'right to leave' even though if you do find "irrefutable evidence of an A', it'll have to have already ended by her own hand and choice, yet you'd leave....???? OR do you want to restore your m to what it should be? Do you want to be "right" or Happyy?
which is it?

There are books and exercises on losing anger and moving forward in forgiveness. Get them and read them and do them. When you wonder about an action to take, ask yourself if you are doling out some "justice' to her or "showing her the consequences" of her actions, because that is simply your self righteousness being punitive and not coming from a place of love, and therefore it is NOT the action to take) or acting out of love. That's crucial to how you handle your life now.

When you talk of what someones "deserves" it usually means you want to exact some revenge and oh btw, ignore any "sins" at your end since you think she had an "A", that trumps the need for you to work on any issues of your own, right?

Throwing out the word "whore" to her was a disgraceful thing for you to say. I don't find it ever acceptable. Now, in your sitch, you could argue it's fine if you are divorcing her and want to stoop to that level and IF you never did it in front of the kids ever ever. Hey, No matter what some angry men here will tell you, she is the mother of your children and you must honor that; you cannot ever say that to a woman and expect her to love you fully. BUT see, you say you love her and want the m to work. So, calling her that is absolutely not helping you reach your goal, is it? You're giving her ammunition for having an A if she didn't already. My Gosh I hope this gets thru to you.

You have a chance. Your w "ended" whatever it was. By her own choice. Most LBSers would give their right arm to have had that happen without threats and that nagging feeling that secretly the returning WAS really wants to be with OP...nope, your wife chose you and the M and yet you still ...... want to torture her. Don't you see that the anger you feel is now the problem? Did you ever read/watch Lady Chatterly's lover? The guy gets injured in the war and tells his young wife to take a lover and presumably they'll pass the child off as his heir. But she falls in love with the "lover" and leaves the h. The point to me of the story is that she didn't leave her h b/c he was injured, but b/c he was so angry at her and life...so he pushed her away over and over again, into the arms of OM...

Don't push her away. Hope this makes sense. Remember your goal. Restoring your m. If your m has to end, b/c of your inability to forgive a transgression of your w, so be it. But it'll be your choice, not hers. And if you stay M, maybe you can re-new your vows and see the M going forward, starting over with a clean slate just so YOU can forgive better.

I know forgiving is not easy, look at my signature block. Seriously. I didn't learn it growing up b/c my parents fought and I never saw them resolve conflict (just stopped yelling) and never saw them make up, and so, didn't know what forgiveness looked like. It's an acqured skill and it takes work, inside.

Good luck,
j-