I should have said felt awful. I don't anguish over it, it's just that I should have tried to make my marriage work first and then moved on if it wasn't fixable.
It's not like I ran out to find someone after one or two months of no affection. It was many many years of so little affection from her until I felt almost nothing inside, a part of me had died. Then something snapped and I wanted to know that someone would want me and I strayed. When I found that I was desirable, it was not me, then I tried to leave the marriage.
Only when I was walking out the door did my W show me that she wanted me again. I felt like things could really be different but I was fooled. She was desperate to keep me and what I thought were real and lasting changes were only false actions to keep me around. Once she felt safe again her act was over. She never wanted passion and true love from our marriage, only the security and stability of a partnership.
The problem is I won't live like this anymore so we are once again to the point of my walking out.
My hand is still there for her to take... for whatever reason she no longer wants to take hold of it.
