Still on the rollercoaster. W has cooled off on the sudden warming. She is back to the distant co parent. . As one can see from my previous post, she is trying to connect with me. She seems to be a bit spooked by the upcoming mediation session this week. This OM issue is tripping me up though. She has gone to great lengths to cover her tracks. Today W told me that she was helping her sister unpack and found old letters from the 80's where she wrote things like I love you I love you and I miss you I miss you. As if the text from 4 days ago has nothing to do with this old letter discovery. Like it is just a complete coincidence that she is bringing up this story now. Like "look, I've always written to my sister this way." I have never said a thing about the text and yet she is still referring to it. Which is definitely something I would do if I were lying to some child about Santa Clause. Setting up the lie. Giving it historical reference. Do you see what I mean? I would have filed it away but she keeps alluding to it. So... My theory is that OM is a friend that she is protecting. Someone who needs protection. Someone she is willing to lie for, and she is not usually a liar. Someone who perhaps has a wife and two boys? Because if OM is not who I think he is, then who cares? It would make much more sense to my sitch if she were in love with someone. Why lie about it? She isn't going to fare better in the D if she didn't have an OM. It would be a bitter pill, but no worse than the D. If he isn't him, then what is she protecting? Me? The kids? Her reputation? So what to do? I haven't wanted to call her on it because I feel it just puts me in the victim position that I'm constantly trying to avoid. I also think it gives me silent strength to know something that she doesn't know I know, and I need strength where ever I can find it. I also would like to prove to her that it doesn't matter to me as I truly believe that it is only a symptom of more important issues in our M. Not to mention the possibility that I am wrong. Maybe she really loves her sister. Reasons for busting her on it: Perhaps the brutal honesty will shake some sense into her. Perhaps brutal honesty is exactly what our M needs. I could also show her, by handling it well, that it doesn't really matter to me, but then why am I asking? Well, because I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something I was feeling? I am thinking of saying, "W, was that text really for your sister?" I guess all I am risking is that she might think that I don't trust her, but she is Divorcing me. Why should I trust her? These are exactly questions I should be asking. Right?
That aside, I am trying to focus on her breakdown. The first in a year. She seems to be questioning her decisions. If even only a little. It is a sign that I have been waiting for. Some little proof that all of the DBing has not been in vain. I realize that it could easily be part of the cover up and or mediation preparation.
Good Luck to all of you. L.
Me 41 W 39 d7, s4 M 13 Bomb ILYBNILWY November 28th, 2007
