Mel, Said it before, you need to slow down and breathe - I think you may be acting before thinking things through. I think the last tells you that he needs time - his time not yours. that is the hardest part. While I am dealing with a H who hurt me -and expects instant forgiveness and togetherness -he doesn't understand my need to heal and become prepared to work on the R. I also debated whether or not to mention my past -but I had two A during my first M and no one ever knew it. Meanwhile, my XH was having A on his own which he did not hide. It was easier for me to be understanding when no one else did. The difference for me was that my activity was unnoticable to this day. But he was out in the open about it when he should have shown respect and concern for what the kids would think. My point, I think we may have more in common than it seemed at first. I would say that you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you can work on your M just as he needs to deal with his drinking and the hurt he feels. Everyone's timing is different which makes it difficult at times but not impossible if you can wait. You have kids with this man - a D will not change that - no matter what he does or you do - you will both be the parents that your children will love regardless of what you do. You both will continue to be in each other's lives for the rest of your lives. I have been amazed at how much my XH and I have contact and remain involved despite our D because of the children's lives. If I had understood that fact then - things might be different. Luck for us, we have been friends afterall. There is no doubt that you can do things on your own - it looks like you do anyway. the point is, M is about hurting each other and learning to let go of the hurt. To be steadfast, allow the negative emotions with the positive ones. Give it time I think that is what committment means.
