Am I eternally hopeful or in denial....?

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, so much for enjoying a nice "quality" evening with my kids........I just had a blow up with S17. After taking his friend home that I had allowed to come over today and hang out with us, S17 started giving me attitude that he didn't want to go over to the house with me and help with picking up a few items that are still over there.

I took exception to his attitude after I have been the one in his corner, fighting for him. He just looked at me with contempt and rolled his eyes (just like his father!) and I told him that I did not want this in my life anymore. I've supported him (even though he hasn't exactly been proactive at looking for a job). I give him an allowance, I get him the food he wants and pay the bills. We had agreed to be honest with each other and treat each other respectfully and he has fallen down on both those promises.

So, I told him that if this was the way he wanted to behave and if he thought this was acceptable behavior, then there was the door. I took his phone and his keys. And he called me a bi**h and left.

D24 was here during this whole thing and went out to talk to him, but he's stubborn. I did call H, who has his phone turned off. I had called him earlier to let him know that the carpet cleaner we have wasn't doing great on the spots in his apartment, so he may want to bring a big cleaner home from where he works tomorrow. It was a short conversation and nothing else was mentioned. Anyway, Now I've left H a message telling him briefly what happened, and that if he heard from S17 to let me know so I knew he is safe.

I freakin' hate this!! It seems just when I am feeling on track, BOOM!!!, another piece of sh** hits the fan!! I'm so sick of it!

[Babygirl]

hey girlie, so sorry about your son. idk what kids think, i know my D acts so much like H (he isnt even her bio dad) that it drives me nuts! i have literally screamed at him how SHE is just like him, how is she not to treat me that way when she sees him do it!

I am here sweetie if ya need anything.
HUGS

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, BG.

I went and ran some errands, and then came home and have tried to call a few of his friends. One friend said he had come there, but wasn't allowed to stay.

I then went over to the house. He wasn't there, or he may have been hiding when he saw me drive up or something , but he definitely has access to it. H isn't there, he's in Seattle this weekend. So S17 is not without the resource to be able to get in out of the rain. There's a nice warm bed and food there. So, I'm not that worried.

Maybe I shouldn't have tried to look for him. He'll likely see that as "weak". He was being a real disrespectful noodnik and he owes me an apology! But, I didn't have to go off the deep end either.

I really do hate this.....

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((((SC)))))))

Sometimes I wonder how any of us ever grew up!

I'm sure he is ok. What to do next, I haven't a clue!

[Silent Chrleader]

I have no clue either, Jeff!!

I get so frustrated!! I know some of S17 attitudes and moodiness is due to the whole sitch during the past year, but that doesn't give him carte blanche to be such a snot!!

And then H's phone is turned off so he can have his "space"......he was going to a party today at the co-workers home who tried to "fix him up" with her sister immediately upon hearing about our seperation...!!

But, my D24 is here and we're going to watch a sappy movie....and eat some junk food.

Oh, and I put some pix up on my alt page finanlly. They aren't the greatest resolution because it's a cheap camera, but not being able to see me clearly is not necessarily a bad thing!

Take care, Rocko!!

[[[[[[[[Jeff]]]]]]]]

[Silent Chrleader]

OK, my boy's home, plus another one! D24 and I went back over to the house and they were in the office on the computer and listening to music. They had been drinking.

The story.....

Aparently S17 went over to the place where he hangs out with several friends. There are two boys who S17 had been friends with for many years, but had had a falling out with a few years back because these boys had gone down a road that S17 didn't agree with. In the last few months, S17 had made nice with these boys again and this has been a big concern because he seemed to be getting into the drinking and "weed" and possibly other stuff?

Anyway, it seems that the two old friend had gotten some heavier substances and had offered it to S17 last night. He turned it down. Tonight after our argument, S17 went back over there and they had been doing the heavy stuff again, and again S17 turned it down, and ended up talking to another boy there whom he has known, but not really spent time with before. This boy apparently backed S17 up for his choice to not do the "hard" stuff. S17 and this boy (I'll call him SS16 [for surrogate son]) had a falling out with the other boys and left there and went to our house to hang out and talk.

This boy says he used to do some drugs but his father had helped him get "clean" (although they had been drinking ) Long story short, SS16 has told S17 that he needs to stop going down that road because it only will mess him up. And that S17 needs to realize what a great thing he has in a family who loves him. SS16 called me "ma'am" and we all had some good talks. SS16 told S17 that if he ever was in a position again where he was struggling to just call SS16 and he would "have his back".

I'm sure I don't know the whole story, but this boy seems to be a smart kid (very articulate) and he seems to care about S17. I told S17 that I was VERY concerned for his draw towards substances. He says he wants to be "himself", not an acorn off the tree, or whatever everyone else thinks he should be. I told him to BE HIMSELF then. His GENUINE SELF, not the self under the influence of something. We talked about the repercussions of substance abuse on family, and work, and everything.

I told him that I would not have anything illegal in my home, so until he was 21 I would NOT be OK with him drinking (and really not even then either....but then at least it's not illegal). S17 said he wanted to learn to be open with me, but he was having a tough time with it. (I thought that was a good thing for him to recognize). I very reluctantly agreed that he could smoke cigarettes, on the balcony, but not in my home (since it's not illegal - or at least won't be when he's 18 in 2 months). S17 then agreed that he would not drink or smoke weed anymore because it is illegal, and he told SS16 to help him make sure he keeps his promise. SS16 said again that he "had S17's back".

S17 also, without my asking, promised me absolutely that he would NEVER do any heavier drugs EVER. He also told me that no matter if we argued, I should remember that he knows I am his mother and he loves me and always will. He also apologized for his behavior.

So......my boy is in his room, drunk (and he remindes me so much of his Dad!! ). And I can't believe I agreed to let him smoke on the balcony. But, I hope we have re-established an open dialogue. And he knows I love him unconditionally. And I know he is safe!!

All things considered, the glass is half full at this moment, and I am happy for that.

Lord, but I hope this boy figures himself out. The major male role models in his life have both been prone to seek refuge in a bottle. I feel so very guilty for that being the case. I am so hoping that with help from our C, we can address this issue successfully and prevent history from repeating itself in my son's life! He is a good kid with a good heart, and he has such potential.

H did call me to answer my voice mail before I went over to the house and found S17. H seemed to be brusk and think that D24 coming over was the problem that set S17 off. As I have said before, H and D24 have serious issues, and they blame each other for everything! H refused to even talk to me when he heard that D24 was here.

I did call H back to let him know S17 and SS16 was here, and what had happened. S17 then talked to H. S17 said they had a "heart to heart" but didn't expound and I didn't push.

So, now it's 2am and I am beat!!! I'm going to bed!!

[Virtually_Handsome]

Well, that's good news!

The only thing I question about what you plan....

I would be very tempted to allow limited drinking at home. I know that will get some hackles up. But.... if you allow nothing, he is going to go out to drink. That's guaranteed, right? And, when he goes out to drink, there are going to be other things going on. And every time, it's going to get more tempting. He might turn it down once, five time, twenty times, but sooner or later, he might not. Especially since he will have been drinking first. Whereas if he can drink a little at home, he doesn't need to go out at all, you know where he is, and he can learn responsibility with you right there. The one condition I would add is that he understands that on evenings he drinks at home he does not go out. The first time he does, the drinking at home stops.

I know that philosophy goes against the billboards and the TV ads. I know it is illegal. I've seen how things are done in Europe, and here, as far as attitudes towards drinking. I think their was works better. I think he is going to learn responsibility a lot better at home that by going out to drink. And he can learn more at home than by getting turned loose at 21. The big point of the law is to prevent kids drinking and driving. If he's home, you know you've accomplished that.

OK, I'll put on my flameproof suit now!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Jeff.

You can put away your flameproof suit. You make a very good point and I do not disagree with you at all.

Actually, I believe that drugs should be legalized, regulated and taxed. Not because I think they are OK, but because I believe the "war on drugs" has been a hugely expensive and unsuccessful exercise! I don't think it is helpful to treat drug addicts as criminals. In doing so, we create the criminals we are trying to avoid, because these people become hardened criminal in prison and then we loose them on society! And alcohol does almost as much harm as other illegal drugs and yet it's legal. This makes no sense IMHO.

As for my sitch with S17, I will take some time to give some serious thought about that one. Our C (who has a 30+ year background with the dept. of corrections) has been pushing with S17 the idea that "illegal" is a good boundary to not go beyond. Because S17 has also expressed a lack of healthy fear for other things, like gangs, C has a lot of real concern for S17 and has been working hard on getting him to recognize and accept this boundary.

Also, because of my family history with alcoholism, I am leary of enabling that.......but perhaps it might not be a bad idea to allow him limited drinking at home if he gets a job and can thereby pay for his own booze......and it reinforces the idea of independence and responsibility for self when you are the one bearing the cost of your decisions. Yep, I'll give that one more thought.

Thanks, Jeff, for your input and support. You're a gem!!

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((SC)))))
It's a fine line. To me (and I am no C!) it seems that S has no trouble pushing past illegal, so using that as the boundary seems pointless. I kind of figure if you can have him at home more, it gives you a better chance to keep an eye on him.

I understand worrying, with the alcoholism history. One of my theories is that the binge type of drinking teens do when they are sneaking it helps lead to that, whereas more controlled consumption may not. Again, it is the theory of an engineer!

Just to add some interest, I never drank as a kid, never wanted to. And I've really not acquired much of a taste as I've gotten older. I don't drink beer at all. I'll have a little wine now and then, and things like Margaritas. I don't know what that adds or subtracts from my thoughts!

[dl443322]

SC, I am so glad your son is ok.

And while I hate to ever disagree with Jeff, I have to now.

My mom was an alcoholic, so I know something about it. Please do not let your son think it is ok to drink in your home. If you feel strongly against it, letting him do it in your home is sending the wrong message. It is illegal. He will think it is ok by you to break the law when it is convenient.

There is a strong genetic link in your family for alcoholism. There is some likelihood that he could be genetically predisposed to substance dependency.

It is imperative that you set clear boundaries for him, that you let him know how you feel about his alcohol and drug use and that he continue in therapy. Hopefully, these things will help him find his way.

It is great that SS16 has his back. Keep the line of communication open, let him know you are there for him.

You are both in my prayers.