This is the jist of it, "You know, Mel, H just can't trust you right now, and he doesn't think he ever will. He's really hurt and angry. He says OW doesn't mean anything. He doesn't love her. I don't think he's having sex with her. He's just thinks he should be helping her. He can't get past everything. I know he's drinking again, and I hope it doesn't get as bad as it was before. I think OW will move on down the road sooner or later. We don't like her. But you know, again, he's really hurt and he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to trust you again. He says he loves you, but he just wants to be by himself."
Then she tells me, laughingly, but still serious, to go out and find somebody to be here when he picks the kids up or drops them off to make him jealous. LMAO. All it would probably do is reinforce his beliefs. Then she even tells me to get the D, find somebody else, (I FOUND ME!!), and rub it in his face that way.
So...there ya'll go. She also said he wants to stay on good terms for the kids, and that's fine. The kids are all we have to discuss. I won't file a formal complaint, although I would happily consider a no-contact order if I knew it wouldn't jeaporadize his career.
Still am going to call lawyer and base legal tomorrow. Still go see C tomorrow.
I feel...I don't know how...because I have realized my mistakes in the M, but he/they refuse to recognize his. Well, she said he recognizes the drinking, but that then he tried to become someone he's not by NOT DRINKING. Does that make sense to anyone?? She said he tried to change himself to become what I wanted. By not drinking??? Are you kidding me??
Does this sound absurd to anyone else?
On the learning curve, I was able to recognize, during the conversation with MIL, that to them, this is all about my A, too. That THAT was the problem. Nothing else was a problem or issue to be resolved. The drinking had been resolved so it wasn't a problem anymore, to them. So that was kind of first for me, to see thru that a little. I'm sure some of you will say, "yeah, how could you have missed it???", but for me, it's big.
J, I read this in "Emtional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry" by Dr. Albert Bernstein. It will tell you exactly how I feel arguing with H, and the shutdown that results. "A common experience when Bullies attack is not being able to think and not knowing what to say. This happens because the parts of your brain that control thinking and language have been short-circuited. There is no greater isolation that being separated from your own mind." "A Bully assault can bypass the rational part of your brain and set you down in a prehistoric alternate reality where there are only three choices: fight back, run away, or stand still and be eaten. It's the perfect bind; no matter which one you choose, you lose. The newer, smarter parts of your brain may realize what's happening, but they're so awash in chemicals and primitive impulses that they can do nothing but watch in horror as the grim drama unfolds."
I'd say that about covers it!!
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
