I am also one of those "when I say i'm done, i'm done" gals. The truth is...it's not true. It's not true until there is just too much hurt and pain to get through.
My H gave me the space and I appreciated it immensely. It was nice to finally get back to "choosing" him, even though it was too late.
Please don't use the kids against her, or as a way to manipulate her. Leaving them is the last things she probably wants. But if, like me, she has been their primary caregiver (and I think she has if she hasn't been working), she is friggin exhausted. Try staying home with the kids and see how well you do. Ever hear Lonestar's "Mr. Mom"?
Before the end of your affair, before you were out of the fog, how would you have reacted to some of the things you are trying to impose on her now? I guess that's my thing. If she would have said, "This is your stuff and you need to own it." and "You are choosing to leave the kids." and whatever else you have said to her, how would you have reacted? Would have brought you closer or pushed you farther?
I understand you have to have boundaries. I am by no means telling you to put up with whatever.
So, what does say about where your relationship went wrong? I am thinking it started back with your A, and that she never really got over it, but that her hurt her deeply. Since then you've probably been working loads of overtime and putting her to the side? Just guessing.
Try to keep her in the house so that you can show her that you are changing to for the better. I wouldn't use the kids against her or make her feel like she is having to choose herself over the kids. I think that will backfire on you. Let her stay at her GFs if she wants. Be able to make sure she is there.
I could write you a book on how I have felt like I didn't matter in this M, brought on by several things. 1. Drinking. 2. Military M, where the spouse does whatever the H and military tell her to do. 3. Never being allowed to have any input about when and if we are moving to new station instead of staying in the same one forever because H feels "just so comfortable" here. 4. H refusing to consider selling the house to move into something bigger. "I'm happy here."
Anyway. Good luck!!!!
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
