Towards the end of my marriage, everyone seemed to come down on me and it made me feel judged and broken. It's important that she knows and trusts that she has your full support and love as long as she can return it and show her efforts. It's hard to explain, but a woman in this situation will try to go along with this half heartedly as long as she can get away with it.
If there is an emotional or physical affair going on, she will have to completely end it. It's easy to assume she's not interested in sex because she's not interested in it with you... don't be fooled.
I think the trust issue is part of our problem. She has told me that she doesn't trust that I won't walk out on her again as I did 7 years ago when we almost divorced (She had been sleeping with our D for 8 years and ignored all my attempts to get her to return to bed with me where she belonged). So her feeling judged and broken has left her, as you say, half heartedly going along with the marriage ever since.
There is no emotional or physical affair on her part (I'd be shocked if there were) but I do think that all that we have gone through has just shut down her desire for me. At the time my decision to reconcile with her seemed to be the right one. We do sleep together now although I think our disconnect was never fully repaired. Now looking back we should have just let one another go.
I'm the one who has had the emotional and physical affairs. I feel awful for ever having done this. All I ever wanted was my own wife back in my arms. If I pursue her it makes her feel pressured; if I give her space then I feel neglected and lonely. It shouldn't be this hard when you love someone to find what works.
