The unfaithful wife...that's me..

[25yearsmlc]

mel,

TWO separate issues. Chain of command, vs Legal aid. They do not have to "communicate" with each other and the issues are best left separate. Usually.
Be careful about what you report to his chain of command if that's what you were saying. But base legal (I was JAGC in case I didn't tell you) will assist you in filing, or if they can't file they can assist and counsel (Sometimes the local Bar association lobbies to keep the military lawyers away from potential "customers," so the legal assistance lawyers have their hands tied, in SOME states).....okay, so base legal can represent or counsel YOU, and he can get his own there too. Be the first one at the office if possible, to reduce the chance of a conflict of interest in the JAG office. YOu want to be first b/c you'll get the more experienced L, usually.

This is separate from adultery charges or anything that would hurt his career. Most commanders won't use strictly domestic issues against their soldiers now if it's non-violent and doesn't affect their jobs (so, no violence, no threats, no drugs, and for your h, alcoholism is likely his biggest military problem). Cheating with OW if she's active duty or the wife of a soldier is different b/c it has military relevance. But that's not relevant to what you do legally to divorce him if that's what you want to do.

Yes, I'd feel used and abused too much now. You are setting and enforcing boundaries that really need no explanation. Your h can pretend or even convince himself that he's "still right no matter what" because you wronged him long ago. Stop living in the past. Apparently his doling out of your punishment isn't quite done yet, or maybe he's got lots and lots of punishment left for you. Who knows if it'll ever end? So, you end it. You stop the punishment b/c you aren't taking it anymore. You're done.

You can swim to the other side now. Don't look back. That does not mean he can't swim after you if and when he's man enough to make the inner journey to see his own flaws and to work on them, with you. He can do all that someday if he's up to it. I've seen divorced couples remarry in my own family, with two diff relatives so it does happen.

But for now You are busy, GAL and having a PMA and being as available to your son as possible when you do see him. AT this age, it's imperative for boys to be with their dads. Sure, your h will bad mouth you but your son is not stupid. Show him how much you love HIM, your son, and eventually he'll see the light. I assume he'll know "you had the A first!" to which you'll say, someday long away from today, "I did have a brief A which was wrong, but I never meant to hurt your dad. We had problems and I wish I'd handled them differently..." In most staes, bad mouthing the other parent is called "parental alienation" and hurts the cause of the whining complaining spouse and they can actually lose custody for this. Careful what you say about h, of course. But let h know you are aware of this fact so you will be monitoring what he tells the kids and the amount of disrespect and badmouthing to protect your R's with the children as you help him to protect his R with them. And remind him, if you do so in a positive mature way, that you are the mother of his children and he is the father and you'll always honor that but you expect the same from him, period.)

He's a soldier, he knows what honor means. This will test you both but you can assure him you will live up to it. BTW, when one parent bad mouth's the other but the other does not respond in kind, in the long run, studies show that the one who was gracious is the one the kids respect the most afterwards and usually is the one they are closest to. So in this arena it seems karma does happen but it can take awhile.

My present problem with your h is that I believe that a lot of what your h does today, is intended to hurt you. Not so honorable. Your A was not intended to hurt him and you took responsibility for it long ago. But his public flaunting of OW and ridiculous denials to you, must be difficult for you. I'm sorry but that's how I see it. And who the hell wants or needs that? What healthy person can take that?
He must be one miserable man/child to "enjoy revenge" so much that he's willing to model terrible behavior for your children, and his own mother...and these are not the actions of someone trying to be "your friend" so let's drop that charade too. Not saying be mean, just honest and real. Lying about being friends or OW being a roomate insults both of you; and you need to move forward with how your R will be from now on as you try to raise two children in two homes. You can also say that when the time comes, you'll be sure to keep OM away from d4 until you've discussed it with a c, and that you'll always remind her that h is her dad and no one will replace him. This reminds him that someday you will date again, (and not be pining for him forever) but in a way that gently models how you'd like to be treated.

I still say stay calm. If nothing else, your refusal to engage with his drama and craziness irks him, and that's worth something...plus your kids will see it all. Your grace in this adversity (or "defeat", however you want to see this). I think the defeat would come in continuing this.

Please please see if you can arrange a DB coaching session. (Also I'm trying to give you my number or email but don't know how to do that without violating rules for the board that I haven't even read. ) They'll give you specifics you need to get thru this.

To me, there is No need for R talk. See a L.

If you go ahead with a D, (and I'm always open to a miracle), then let the L's do the ugly talk. No fighting over what time to pick the kids up, or money amounts or anything for now. "TALK TO THE L B/C THE W AIN'T LISTENING..."

I cannot believe how often spouses fight over small things and then still spend the money on the L's. At SOME point in the future you will not need a L to tell you that trading two days makes sense. OF course that is the way you would like to interact. But that day is not now. For NOW, you need to let the Ls' handle his tantrums which he WILL throw. You must remain calm as much as possible. I think it throws him and gets him thinking. I KNOW that when you yell at him, he feels vindicated. "See, she's a b----, and SHE cheated first, so whatever I do now and forever and ever, is RIGHT!"

L's don't rip you off the way most people suggest. I mean, just see a L, ask about their fees and know you'll get some back if it goes unused. Besides, the military legal aid is free. Start with them.

And Be careful about any "conditions" you want to impose that may not be enforceable at law. You can ask him to keep OW away from your d, and it totally lacks class to him not to simply know this, but I don't know what your state says about that. Ask the L what conditions you can attach to the terms.

Also as for your mil, what's up with her? She didn't want to tell you the truth or he'd be mad at her...but she didn't want to lie for him either? I can understand that actually. But you're also saying she enabled deceit and adultery in her home and with her grandchildren? Is that what you are saying?

She sounds really weak. My h's Godmother was the only one on his side of the family to say "WTH are you doing to your family?!?"

She was mil's bff growing up, and when she asked me what mil was telling h, I said "Mil never critisizes h and I've never heard her say a critical remark ever in almost 30 years. If h had killed me (he wouldn't, but by way of example...) she'd have said, "oh, too bad....you probably shouldn't have done that..."

So Godmother simply stated, "X' (mil) has always been weak..." and that was that. Some moms are weak when it comes to telling their children when they've screwed up and it is harder when they're older b/c we can "lose" them and they don't have to be at home. Don't raise a son like that. It is up to us as mothers to keep our boys from turning into "men" like that. Our s22 recently broke up with his gf and we discussed the wording ahead of time, to minimize her pain (he wasn't "in love" with her and there was no chemistry, but how do you tell a 20 y/o that?) and he came in later that night with tears in his eyes. He said "I feel sick to my stomach. She cried and said she loved me and always would but she wished she could hate me..." and i said "so your tears are for her? He said "I've never made someone cry before and I hate it..." I was touched and proud of him. He'll make a good husband.

IOW, if MIL tells your h off, he can threaten to walk out and nver bring her grandkids around so you should reassure her of a continuing R with d4 that you'll always support...She's stuck, and probably weak.

So, call military legal assistance and make an appointment. ASAP.

At 15 years in, you're entitled to some health benefits (don't tell me you don't need them!) and PLEASE make sure you ask what benefits accrue and do not, at what time period. For instance, I had a w come in for a well deserved divorce but she had 19 years of m to her military h. All 19 years of her m were as a military wife and I told her if he's not violent, can you hang on 1 more year, b/c at 20 years she'd get health care insurance coverage the rest of her life. She said "YES!"
and waited the remainder of the time. She also got the commissary benefits and it didn't cost her h anything for that. But Similar things about his military retirement to which you are entitled to part. That's right. Your h may not enjoy learning of this and literally may get out of the military early just to hurt you. I had a client leave 5 months before his 20 years to keep his w from getting half his retirement...seriously. Cut off his nose to spite his face...but other benefits don't cost the soldier a cent, and help you. But your h can be punitive so don't set him off just yet. Know your rights. My sister was married 13 years to her h and had no kids and no job but a college degree. Irrelevant. All that mattered was her 13 years and so, 13 of 20 years...she got half of THAT which was about 37% of his retirement and she gets that regardless of whether she remarries. She still gets it. It helps. NO health insurance or alimony but really that is rarer these days anyhow. So she actually did well and I knew he signed off fast, so I assumed OW and sure enough there was. So what? Point is, she gets 37% of his military retirement to this day...so, don't relinquish that. It is not from HIM, it's from the military b/c you sacrificed by living in MINOT???? and wherever else, to support a service member serving his nation and you had kids too...

How many years of M and how many of those years was he in the military? There's a formula for figuring out what yours will be. And he has to make it to 20 years which is why you should NOT hurt his military career. It hurts YOU...make sense?
If you are m for 15 years and he has all of those in the military, then you'd get half of 75% of his retirement. FIB has my email if you want. This sounds more complicated than it is. But see a JAG officer and they'll tell you this and what benefits you gain/lose and when. For now, don't involve his command, okay? It's not in YOUR interest. Hope this all makes sense and I didn't just overload you.

Good luck,
((( j )))