I agree with S&A and Alimari. Unfortunately, it is your decision to make unless you enjoy living in this limbo. If your wife is anything like I was, you're enabling her to destroy your family.
I am trying so hard to get us unstuck from this limbo we have been in. I am still baffled as to why two people that love one another can't break down this one wall that has come between us. I keep thinking that something that I will say or do will finally get through to her and make her see how important this is for us.
God I don't want to go through the pain that I know will come if I give up on her. Yet the pain I feel with the way things are now... I'm not sure it could be much worse. I have so much love to give, how could this woman that I love so much be unwilling to accept what I have to offer?
I'm reaching out my hand... so take it.
Rejection is the worst pain imaginable. I have numbed and ignored this pain far too long. If I will just allow myself to feel it fully again I will know what to do. I am still so afraid of going through that door.
I am trying so hard to get us unstuck from this limbo we have been in. I am still baffled as to why two people that love one another can't break down this one wall that has come between us. I keep thinking that something that I will say or do will finally get through to her and make her see how important this is for us.
Your efforts and her avoidance are keeping you stuck. As long as she is able to avoid you, and you reward her for it by continuing to try so hard... the limbo will remain.
She's not taking your hand because she feels like she doesn't deserve it. She knows she's hurting you, but she's so stuck in her own thinking that she's more comfortable with this dynamic of you chasing her than the work she knows it will take to rebuild what you once had. Your natural and instinctive desire to chase this woman who no longer desires you is working against you and makes you appear weak, scared and stupid to her. That's tragic and only feeding her need to be on the pedestal you've put her upon.
Towards the end of my marriage, everyone seemed to come down on me and it made me feel judged and broken. It's important that she knows and trusts that she has your full support and love as long as she can return it and show her efforts. It's hard to explain, but a woman in this situation will try to go along with this half heartedly as long as she can get away with it.
If there is an emotional or physical affair going on, she will have to completely end it. It's easy to assume she's not interested in sex because she's not interested in it with you... don't be fooled.
Towards the end of my marriage, everyone seemed to come down on me and it made me feel judged and broken. It's important that she knows and trusts that she has your full support and love as long as she can return it and show her efforts. It's hard to explain, but a woman in this situation will try to go along with this half heartedly as long as she can get away with it.
If there is an emotional or physical affair going on, she will have to completely end it. It's easy to assume she's not interested in sex because she's not interested in it with you... don't be fooled.
I think the trust issue is part of our problem. She has told me that she doesn't trust that I won't walk out on her again as I did 7 years ago when we almost divorced (She had been sleeping with our D for 8 years and ignored all my attempts to get her to return to bed with me where she belonged). So her feeling judged and broken has left her, as you say, half heartedly going along with the marriage ever since.
There is no emotional or physical affair on her part (I'd be shocked if there were) but I do think that all that we have gone through has just shut down her desire for me. At the time my decision to reconcile with her seemed to be the right one. We do sleep together now although I think our disconnect was never fully repaired. Now looking back we should have just let one another go.
I'm the one who has had the emotional and physical affairs. I feel awful for ever having done this. All I ever wanted was my own wife back in my arms. If I pursue her it makes her feel pressured; if I give her space then I feel neglected and lonely. It shouldn't be this hard when you love someone to find what works.
OK, so I'm about to say something harsh, so please forgive me as its probably due to frustration with my situation, and frustration over Cinco's pain also. As I totally understand and empathize with you Cinco, and don't like to see you beat yourself up! :P
But, I think maybe you need forgive yourself over the affair also.- If you haven't already ( Here's the harsh part coming up )But, what did your W think would happen when she wouldn't touch you?? At this point I just don't think that someone in a marriage has the right to ignore the other to a point of total disconnect and then be hurt and shocked when one strays........... Sorry.
Think Im hurt for both of us, ughh. Hope I don't regret this post tomorrow.
((( Cinco )))
Be back tomorrow to post again. I got an email.. ughhhh!
I should have said felt awful. I don't anguish over it, it's just that I should have tried to make my marriage work first and then moved on if it wasn't fixable.
It's not like I ran out to find someone after one or two months of no affection. It was many many years of so little affection from her until I felt almost nothing inside, a part of me had died. Then something snapped and I wanted to know that someone would want me and I strayed. When I found that I was desirable, it was not me, then I tried to leave the marriage.
Only when I was walking out the door did my W show me that she wanted me again. I felt like things could really be different but I was fooled. She was desperate to keep me and what I thought were real and lasting changes were only false actions to keep me around. Once she felt safe again her act was over. She never wanted passion and true love from our marriage, only the security and stability of a partnership.
The problem is I won't live like this anymore so we are once again to the point of my walking out.
My hand is still there for her to take... for whatever reason she no longer wants to take hold of it.
I am waiting for now... I have already written an ultimatum letter and not given it to her yet. It is really not an ultimatum as much as it is a request for her to release me. If she can't truly love me and show me in a way that I feel is real and true then she must let me go.
We do still have love for one another, it is just not a love that a husband and wife should have.
Sorry to hear that..... :S I don't think I will do that for myself, as when he was home I was packing........ ( got boxes and everything )If he didn't get that I was serious, then there's nothing else I can do.
I hope for you that doesn't happen, OR if it does you find peace with it.
I understand totally when you say that you each have love for one another but not as a husband and wife should. Ughh... That's what makes it so hard. Be easier if we didn't love them.
Hey, C-boy. How are your days at home alone w/D & W at school & work?
I can't imagine how hard your W has been working to stay away from any real conversation since you've been off work & she was home & D was at school every day. In my 1st marriage it was hard to do any long fruitful conversations cuz of kids around.
I know you can't live with the way it is now. I couldn't either. I never thought of leaving. But I couldn't get through to him. A father of one of my students saw me out biking & started a conversation about it next time he came to the pool. Eventually we were seeing each other alone. Yeah. Real smart. Of course, 1st H was cluelessly busy w/hobby. For $$ reasons, I quit PT job & got FT job w/bene's, etc. H said 2 things: 1. If the kids become delinquents its my fault cuz I'm not home after school. 2. Since I'm bringing in extra $$ we can take a nice vacation next summer. Uh, you see the contradiction? When I finally brought up the big D, he was thunderstruck & his pals told him to start following me around. He then visited everyone we knew including parents, tattling, presenting himself as poor baby. And me as...you know that one. I didn't find out until after the D that he'd done this.
What has ensued over the years is that I have always been blamed for the divorce. I would have even w/out the affair because I NEVER told anyone about his PE (which was my fault according to him) and his complete lack of interest in sex for 4-5 years. Nor did I mention my part time job $$ made his hobby possible.
Judging by the Christmas card list, I lost half our friends in the divorce. The kids weren't told about the affair. They thought H & I were still "friends", but as adults they've been put on the spot where he's basically told them to choose between us. As in not inviting me to grandkids' B-day parties cuz he & W are "uncomfortable" around me- & they see nothing wrong cuz its just what I "deserve". (I've always thought if his W loves him, she should be kissing my feet cuz she wouldn't have him if I hadn't dumped him). They even pressured youngest to come live w/them (so they could raise him he her D as "their 2 kids"). Causing a 9 yr old anguish & fear. Really nice folks.
Keep this kind of scenario in mind. Its the tip of the iceberg. As close as your W and D are, you are probably looking at some pretty bad consequences in your relationship w/D. She's way old enuf to get what's going on & have her (teenage) opinions affected by your W.
I know you have to do something or go nuts, but do think ahead a little. Maybe rather than the ultimatum you have prepared, you might make it that she has to go to counseling for at least a year or you will D. She seems to have wanted a comfy life w/kid, no day job, and easygoing guy who wouldn't ask for anything but a cook & housekeeper. She wanted to have it better than her mom & that's all. Self-actualization - "this is what I want to be". She doesn't aspire to be anything else. Never thought about what a wife really is.
If you can get W to go for C, by the time its done, your D will be in college, more on her own. It won't be so earth shaking for her. Might help your relationship w/her.
Just a thought. Jayce P.S. Didn't marry the A guy. I'm not THAT dumb.
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
