Stage 5, Acceptance

[faithisbelieving]

Thank you Spitty. This AM:...

Saturdays are 'my day' with the kids as she works from 9-6P. I woke up and my son asked me for pancakes. I turn on the TV for him and set up the nebulizer for my daughter's cough and my wife comes downstairs:
XXX: S8, what do you want for breakfast
Me: XXX, I am taking care of it. He wants pancakes

XXX goes to the freezer and starts to make breakfast. I get up.
Me: XXX (politely)...I am taking care of breakfast. It's my morning with them today.
XXX: I am still here and it is NOT your time with them. YOU HAVE NO time with them yet.

She proceeds in spite of what I asked. I took the pancakes out of the microwave.
Me: XXX (calmly)...you told me that you like to make the kids breakfast during the school week. I don't interfere. I told S8 I am making him breakfast <this morning.

Ready?
My wife shouts at my son, "S8...daddy isn't letting me make you your pancakes"

Can you believe this? She starts the screaming thing again....in front of the children. Away from them I got the "you're trying to take the children away from me again" line...which is very old now. I always have responded "no I'm not".

"How is this helping the situation?" "Why do you want to raise your voice in front of the children:"? This was simply responded to by attacks on me. I brought up the accountability for her decisions....she stormed out of the house that I would never be her friend and she can't wait until this is over.

1) Although some may say I should have let it go this AM, this is a pattern of being walked over and I can't be a doormat
2) She is emotionally unstable
3) She is immature
4) She uses the kids
5) She does NOT respond to 'techniques'

Repeating...I can't leave the house until D is final.
FIB

[faithisbelieving]

Text later to my W:

S8 did really well and enjoyed the camp. It OK for you to not want to be my friend. That is not my goal. My goal is two loving and safe homes for our kids.

FIB

[faithisbelieving]

To my friends here....I feel the need to just add one thing.

I know to some that my posts have seemed kind of 'eh' lately, but, for the most part, I am doing well (wish financially better tho'). I am up...working...focused...back to working out. In fact, a woman wants to meet me for coffee tomorrow.

I am on top of things with the kids. I enrolled my son in baseball camp today and spent the afternoon with him. He did great. Tomorrow I am coaching my daughter and the girl's lacrosse clinic. I am building his Pinewood Derby car with my son and I have ordered the books linked above.

I have been honest with all of you here and continue to be. I stay clear of my wife. I don't taunt her...tease her...look for ways to annoy her...confront her spontaneously and, in general, I will back away from any button pushing that she does.

We are on a weekly schedule of who sleeps in the MBR. Our days are pretty much written in stone with who does homework and what night is generally the other person's time window. I text her to keep her informed of the kids. They are given my cell phone when she calls. The kids get my cell phone when THEY ask to call her.

The majority of of negativity, intrusion, lack of communication, invading space, etc....comes or is initiated by her.

I must deal with this.

The 'positive' thing about being locked in purgatory with her is that it will 'force' a settlement instead of this dragging out for years. The negative aspect is, well, quite obvious.

There is NO doubt, however, that my STBXW, is a negative drain on me...that she is unhappy and emotionally unstable and acts immaturely.

That is my sitch. I am dealing with it. Sometimes I make good decisions and say good things. Sometimes, it is hard to not have the buttons pushed so hard that it still stings. My focus is on me...new reading materials for positivity and personal growth..total focus on my kids.

Thanks for all your support. It IS a challenge.

FIB

[25yearsmlc]

Absolutely is a challenge. And you usually do really well and that's all you can ask of yourself. Imperfection, yeah, that's true. You're not flawless yet. But you know, I found myself wondering how all this is for her. She's got to be even more miserable than you are and I say that, b/c so much "crap" emanates from her. Also, her coping skills for frustration are at the same level as s8's... I mean, really, "Daddy won't let me make you pancakes!" What'd you do, trap her? I think I might have laughed in her face or said, "Yes, b/c we HATE HER pancakes!" What a wacky w...otoh, next time you date someone for "real", think how great/normal she'll appear, compared to w...

Good luck FIB, (thank God she's working today). Enjoy your time with the kids.
(( j ))

[sofaraway]

Ian...I have an angry, immature wife that looks to start trouble. Details to follow. I am NOT going to be walked all over anymore. FIB

I know that FIB and I watch you in complete amazement on here every day. Maybe you misunderstood.

I am wondering what preparations you are making for once it is over? Where you will live, how you want your place to look, ideas for your kids rooms, etc....

I guess my point is it would be cool to hear some of the awesome things that you are planning once you are released back into society. I think focusing on some of those things might do you a world of good.

I do not in anyway mean to make light of your sitch, but the pancakes thing made me laugh. I mean come on...... it's just crazy how she reacts. I think the pressure of all of this is getting to her dude.

I am also rather amazed at how you are able to always follow up with the right things. The text to her was perfect my friend. YOU are setting an amazing example for many.


Ian

[faithisbelieving]

Ian, 25...thank you for your support. You two know...that I am not here for sugar coating, back pats, or for anyone to blow smoke up my kilt at how great a guy I really was or to hear that 'my wife is sick'.

I am in a personal battle to stay strong for my children now and get out of this with as little collateral damage to them as possible. I come here to stay straight...not to 'save my marriage'..but to cope with the type of woman my wife has become....to keep fair and NOT do the things she is doing.

I don't have to.

I don't want to.

My children love her as they should and I don't intend to try and have a parenting contest. I love my mom. She was/is the bulwark of our family and for the life of me, I don't know how all you women do it...but then again...I think I do.

FIB

PS...to Ian....all I can say is....Xbox 360 and Guitar Hero. LOLOL. My W can have everything...just give me the flat panel TV (typical man, right?) As Bworl would say, blessings.

[kml]

FIB -
Honey - gotta get out my 2 x 4 for this one.
You KNOW your wife is wacked out and not playing with a full deck. WHY would you let yourself get drawn into a pissing match over pancakes????

Let her make the damn pancakes - more cuddle time watching cartoons with your son for you! S does not need you to cook his pancakes to know you love him. W is feeling insecure and threatened by your excellent fathering and is trying to mark her territory. It will all be moot once you're separated.

I'll remind you of the mantra my husband always told me with regards to our kids: Choose your battles.

Honestly, it's your irritation and suppressed anger at her that's letting you get drawn into this BS. Be better than that. Be above it.

Ellie

[faithisbelieving]

Ellen....got it. NO more. But...this was a boundary. I wouldn't change that. It wasn't pancakes...it was being walked on. Today..three packages came in and I was expecting them. I opened them all. To my regret, I realized that one that I opened was my W's passport. Truly honest mistake. I put it back and wrote a note that I was sorry that I opened it by accident.

No go. She called me and tore me a second 'a-hole' over the phone and hung up on me. I committed a federal offense.

This morning, she went nuts when I told her that I was going away with the kids for 5 days over winter break. I had told her that I planned on doing this months ago. She denied it and thought I was only going to go away the weekend before my birthday.

Not. In fact, I am bringing them back early so that she can have a weekend with them. She stormed out...dropped my son off at a party...and within 30 minutes had a weekend getaway planned to the Bahamas on JetBlue and booked thru Monday, the 23rd, my birthday.

It's no problem with me. My L only told me have it written in paper....where she was staying, contact, dates, etc...and that my stuff is put down too so she can't stop MY vacation. I have one other requirement tho'....I will insist that she rent an international cell phone for the weekend.

I'm OK...had a great practice today and for the first time, STBXW came to watch D5 WHILE I COACHED. Wow....courage. She's a cougar.

Final note...last night, my older sister made time tough for me. I dropped my kids off at my sis' around the corner...texted my W:

Me: XXX..going out for a bit..kids are at my sister's
XXX: (immediate return text) Me too.

My STBX then calls my sister:
Sister: Hello?
XXX: Can I speak with S8?
Sister: Who is this?
XXX: His mother..
Sister: Who?
XXX: His mother
Sister: You're an #$%^(

You can imagine the text I got from her after that. Even worse, she brought it up IN FRONT OF THE KIDS THIS MORNING and poisoned them with negative rhetoric. Although my sis was out of place, this is stuff to be dealt with out of ear shot of children.

STBXW hurts the kids, acts immaturely and does NOT have healthy judgment on how to handle issues when the kids are around.

I"m sorry all....my W has been totally out of control the past 1-2 weeks.

FIB

[brandnewday]

FIB,
Don't know if you check your messages on FB...
But I sent you one.

(((hugs)))

[25yearsmlc]

FIB
Forgive your sister please. God knows if I were in her shoes, there'd be "words"...to be sure. I mean, I don't even know your w, (though I sure feel I do) and I want to slap her silly. I think I'd have called her a "cruel, emotionally unstable narcissist", but that is only if I was expecting the call, and your poor sister wasn't. I feel for your sister btw. How is she feeling about it all now? Bleh!

So, what's worse for the kids? A private rebuke from your sister to your stbxw, or your w's outbursts in front of the kids, to you? Um, by far, the latter. Only a person blind to their own failings and shortcomings and repeated misbehavior, would fail to see that. Too bad your stbxw falls into that category. Geez, her and her tantrums. You'd think even she'd tire of them. They exhaust most 3 year olds.

((( j )))