We had a 3 hours session today. A lot was said. Mostly it was from the 2 counselors since we didn't have to go back and explain the situation. We started from today to the future. We had some really awkward moments, mostly me, like when they asked why we want to get back together. H said because he loves me and missed me. I couldnt give an answer since the kids wasnt accepted as one. I did say I feel there is a bond between us and I am hoping it could become something more.
Also when they asked to list positives we see/feel about our S, H said for me that he feels : stability, protected, secure with me. I couldnt say a thing. When they saw me struggling and asked why, I explained that the qualities I was fond of that I saw in H now seem a lie, such as honesty, stability, patience, respect to other people, avoiding to hurt them. I explained that I feel him leaving, showed me otherwise. H was very sad and about to cry and I almost backed off and lied. But I didnt. My C didnt give me an option. She said its natural to feel this way because there is no trust.
Some things were interesting. Like H saying he felt I was trying to "force him" to do things and then saying he didn't mind at all me deciding about others. Both Cs told him that he has been choosing to have the role of the man depending on his convenience and his comfort zone. That he was blaming me for assuming that was what he wanted while he wasn't clear with me about what he really wanted.
They told me I am too strict with myself and as a consequence with others too. I should stop putting myself on trial. They actually said, Maria was taking on all the roles in the family/R and she was overwhelmed by it but she couldn't accept she couldn't do it all.
They insisted that what we both need to do now is find out what we want for our lives and become "it' and then see if we are what we want as partners for each other.
They told me to quit on the R and concentrate on me alone (both of us). Dream, become what will make me happy and see if H fits in the picture. They said we need to forget the past and abandon preconceived ideas about each other. THey urged me to stop thinking about hurting him and do things that I believe would help the R. Just do the things that I as Maria enjoy. Which I have to confess, feels strange. All i have been doing lately were little things that I thought would help us move forward and I was getting frustrated as we didn't. Now I need to get it in my head that I shouldn't do ANYTHING for the R at this stage.
They made a big deal about H being "stagnant' and me being a perfectionist. They said he needs to act more and I need to relax more.
They gave us a few exercises and our next apt will be scheduled by...H as an exercise for him to take initiatives...
Their approach is a very "selfish one". Very similar to what we say here about making our selves happy and to what Passionate Marriage says about differentiation and fusion. I could follow the discussion easier than H but he did seem to grasp it because his natural tendency is towards differentiation while mine has been "living thru the R". He actually said he has felt my need to be "one" and although he liked it, he couldn't take the responsibility.
Responsibilities as a word came up a lot because he did say more than once that he left because he felt he couldn't stand the responsibilities of the family(!!!!). xxx K
