Can't really ignore the knucklehead T. Not yet. We have to tell the kids the news and set up a visitation schedule, agree to the financial arrangements,etc.
Then once we have our plan in place, I can ignore him
Last night was typical. He came to see the kids and fell asleep in their room when he put them to bed. The only reason I told him he could come over is b/c we were supposed to set up the financials, go over our terms, and review what we are telling the kids, once the kids went to bed.
I was so pissed. I went in and thumped him twice. Then at midnight I just gave up and went to bed. He came in and started his whole pitiful (not) song and dance routine all over again! He doesn't want to do any of this, he doesn't want this. He doesn't even want the house.
He said, when I think of the house I think of it like I could fix it really nice and we could all live in it together. Or I think I could fix it up and then rent it out. Pretty much I think of any other reason to have it than the reason it is supposed to be, for me to live and have the kids come over.
He said he is 'stuck', he doesnt want divorce, he wants us to live together and be a family. But he can't figure out how to make that happen b/c he can't figure out how to let the past go, yada yada yada. I have heard most of it before...
I just told him I would never ever again beg for him to come home. That his words say he is confused but his actions are that he went and put a bid on that house not once but twice. And he doesn't live in our home anymore. So all I can go by are his actions, it doesn't matter if he says he doesn't want to do it b/c he keeps on DOING it anyway...
Oh and I told him I already knew I would get married again one day b/c I was meant to be married. He said he hasn't allowed himself to think about that. Too bad...
Grr. So I went to bed at 1:30 and I am sooo tired. I told him how disappointing it is that he has time to help his parents, do his job, work on his cows but not time to work out how to talk to his children about the fact that he doesn't live here anymore.
He said when I emailed him the list I made on Tuesday(financial arrangements, how to divide payments, etc) it made him wonder--if he wanted this then why hadn't he been able to make lists and plans like I had?
Anyway guess it just means I will most likely have to tell the kids on my own and make all the arrangements on my own. I am tired of the foot dragging and want to move on with my life.
Go ahead with your plans. Lie is short damn it, dont waste it!!
Interesting statement Kalni.....hmmmmmm......
BBJ, sorry I am late on this, but from an experienced person on the matter of the kids stuff I would say make sure you allow them to pick out a couple of the things on their own to take to dads place. You may not know what is in their minds that they "need" at dads so please ask them.
I think in reading through your stuff I keep asking myself why you are engaging him so much? Seems to me you might just need to keep quiet a bit and stop talking so much. These things will fall into place, you don't have to force anything.
Your mom, is normal. She is being protective of her child. It is not her dislike for him, it is her love for you that has her speaking this way... take it with a grain of salt.
Ian the reason I 'engage' him is b/c he has gone out and gotten a house, is looking online at cabinets and windows to order, etc etc. The guy is not living here already and is getting his own house, not just crashing somewhere while he straightens his life out...
If I don't try to make the arrangements with him then I feel I am 'stuck'...I will turn around in 7 days and he will have his own house and have done nothing to prepare....
We just told Nathan. He got very very mad and sad and cried and kept saying "No." "No, no, no." Poor guy thought he could actually have a say in it...........
I am sorry Bobbi. Remember, the way you handle it, is important right now. If he sees you breaking down it will be harder on him. My C told me today, we should make sure the kids know, no matter what happens, that the 4 of us will always be their family... xxxx Love K
BBJ, I am very sorry to hear about Nathan.....this is undoubtedly the toughest part of all this crap. Just know that you did all you could BBJ to not get to this point. I agree with K....it is imperative that you keep it together for your kids. Hang in there BBJ...it does get easier.
We did pretty well. H and I both choked up once because Nathan was crying. But we told him that we were sad and it was okay to be sad...
We told him over and over again how much we loved him and that we would always, always always be a family. Dan and Nathan just left to go sledding and Sydney and I will join them once she gets up from her nap. We did church and lunch together and we will be doing karate and dinner together tonight, too. It won't always be that way but this first day especially we wanted him to see we are still a family.
He has already asked when Daddy is coming back, will it be one month or more than a month, etc etc
We told him Daddy and Mommy need to take a break so we don't argue so much and we will try to learn how to get along with each other better. We told him we don't know if Daddy will move back home but that we are going to work very hard to see if we can live together again because that is what we BOTH want (Dan wanted to say that). But that we don't know yet what will happen. I told him we would always love him and Sydney and that Daddy and I had a problem but NOT with them that they did nothing wrong and were wonderful kids etc etc
I am sorry that all three of you had to go through that. Dan keeps minimizing what he is doing -- saying that you both want to get back together, and the house will be a great rental. I hope that these are truths, and not lies he tells to make his exit. Only time will tell.
I agree. Time will tell. He told me the other night he has a hard time talking to me and he doesn't know why b/c we used to talk together so easily/often.
I told him that when he started pulling away from me and pouring himself into another person, he naturally stopped talking to me, sharing with me, etc. That he would have to CHOOSE to talk to me and share with me again. He said that made a lot of sense...
Anyway I told him all I want from him is the truth even if it does hurt me, it is better than not knowing what he is thinking. I told him that I would rather hear "I want a divorce", than to hear "It could be a rental, I want to try to work things out", etc. only to find out later he was planning to stay gone all along.
He said last night "I WANT to be with you, I want us to be together, that is why i said I don't want to file or get a divorce. I just have to figure out how to stop holding things against you, how to let go of some stuff and forgive and learn to trust in us...."
So that is why we told Nathan we want to work this out. But we also told him we didn't know if we could. I ran that past two counselors and both said it was ok to say we weren't sure the outcome yet. They agreed that if we KNEW it was a done deal, to say so. But if we didn't, then it was ok to say we were going to try and see what happens...
He doesn't want to do any of this, he doesn't want this. He doesn't even want the house. 
