When the bubble bursts in our favor !

[Cinderellaman]

Hi guys !

Today a guy friend of mine told me that H has the best of both worlds. He 'has' me and the kids and he has his ow. He not only feels like the King, but he IS the King, it is something that would feel ideal to any man....(well, as a matter of speech) Anyway, he told me that H feels safe as he knows that 2 women adore him. He told me that if H were to feel he's loosing me, that most probably he'd have to put all his eggs in one basket (the ow's) and he said he thought that at that point H would realize what he has lost. Of course this is a recap of all that was said, but it's what it came down to.



I think......

I agree.


H is in the safety zone....he's incredibly comfortable, and all I have done is enabled that....What a fool I've been.

No more telling him that I am going dark, .....from now on, I will not be as available, I'm off to follow my 'yellow brick road !'

xxxxxxxxx

[peacetoday]

cinders
Thats the way I feel as well
Its scary to let go
we have tried so hard to be there and be their friend
we probably had to do that
and maybe it is time to move ahead
maybe a season of being dark will shed some light on our situation
as I detach more, my H is also moving further away
But I sense it is part of his journey
maybe he has to totally explore his OW and options of getting all his emotional needs met by her
I think at this point it doesnt matter what I do
nothing will achieve the desired outcome
going dim, being less available makes sense
I have to take care of myself-you too
good luck
peace

[Cinderellaman]

Well, I had asked my H to come over this Wednesday night to celebrate my birthday with me and the kids.

He had happily agreed to come over.

I just sent him an email, telling him that Wednesday night is cancelled. I gave him no reason, but did say sorry.

So now I will be celebrating my Birthday just with my kids.

Things have been a bit tense between us, and I think him coming over on Wednesday, may only make things very cramped.

Guess I'm not sure why I've done this, except, it didn't seem right to have H here on my birthday...I think I wanted him to be here INSTEAD of being with ow...that would have been wrong.

[MidwesternGirl]

You wanted to have a nice and relaxing birthday, not one where you are on pins and needles or getting upset.

Enjoy it with the kids. Splurge. Take them out to dinner or something.

[Cinderellaman]

MWG,

Yes, that's true.

I think I have still been too busy trying to create disturbances between H and his ow...(by asking him to come over on my birthday, assuming ow would mind)

I think it's time to stop doing stuff BECAUSE of that.

It's hard to shut H out, as I want him in my life, but him popping in once in a while is not HAVING him in my life,...it's just him popping in whenever HE wants.

I think the best thing right now for all of us, is to set him free and let him live his life.
That way, I am free to live mine.

Ok, off to visit my dad for his birthday ! xx

[brandnewday]

Cinders,

((((hugs))))

Truly letting go is so very hard.

Making sure that we are not allowing ourselves to manipulate a situation is also difficult.

It is good you are recognizing the reasons for your actions.

Make sure that uninviting him to your birthday is truly what you want and not about punishing him.

You really will get it, it all just takes time.

You are still going through the motions, and the grieving process.

He keeps you hanging on because it is convenient for him.

He has not filed for a Divorce for a reason.

[MissH]

Cinders,

I think the best thing right now for all of us, is to set him free and let him live his life.
That way, I am free to live mine.

Thank you for this. This is exactly what I need to do also.

I think you should put this in your siggy.

[Cinderellaman]

Cinders,

((((hugs))))

Truly letting go is so very hard. Indeed it is BND....everytime I think I am there, I notice there is even more room to let go.

Making sure that we are not allowing ourselves to manipulate a situation is also difficult. YES !!!! I often do things and wonder why I'm doing it...whether it's to please myself or to disturb the relationship between H and ow...sometimes it's hard to feel the difference

It is good you are recognizing the reasons for your actions. I think I always have, but maybe now I'm daring to say it out loud...

Make sure that uninviting him to your birthday is truly what you want and not about punishing him. And this is where doubt sets in....if I imagine him coming over, I imagine us as good friends having a really nice meal together with the kids, then I think to myself...'cinders', you know it will be a 'fake' as H is with ow and has no intentions of coming back.

You really will get it, it all just takes time. Time, time and time.....

You are still going through the motions, and the grieving process. Yes I am. It all takes time, time, time...

He keeps you hanging on because it is convenient for him. That is what that friend told me too...that H has the best of both worlds. (Difference to cake eating...)

He has not filed for a Divorce for a reason. convenience....and he's afraid that if he dies, the kids will be left with nothing, this way feels safe for him.

BND, I'm not sure that cancelling his visit on my birthday was the right thing to do...but I allready sent the email. I guess this letting go or breaking with them is extremely scary.

Thanks for your great advice ! xxx

[Cinderellaman]

Last week Tuesday H and I had lunch to discuss some stuff. I posted about it. He told me that he was annoyed at me for getting irritated with the kids whenever they asked to speak to the ow on the phone when H calls them to say goodnight.

I believe he was right. The kids should not be put in the middle.

Today S5 was on the phone saying goodnight to H, S5 asked where ow was...I heard but kept going on about my business. S5 kept asking H stuff about where H and ow were ...then all of a sudden I heard S5 say to H, 'wait a minute I have to go and tell mommy'. He came over and said, 'mommy, daddy and ow are in the hospital !' I reacted saying 'really? what happened?' then S5 told me that ow's grandma and grandpa were in hospital, so I said to S5, 'oh that's sad, tell daddy you wish them well and that hopefully they will be better soon', it was sooooooooo cute, as S5 told H exactly that and when he finished he said 'oh and the same goes for ow's grand dad of course...'

Well, I was happy that I hand't made S5 uncomfortable about telling me, and I know H heard my voice and could tell there was no anger or irritation in it at all.

A little step in the right direction again.

[TRUSTING]

Excellent job.

I agree with what your friend said.

Your H is loving both worlds.

It does not cause him to miss out on anything.

I think you need to disappear from his life, Cinders.

It is only then that he will feel a void.

Make that void happen.

That is what is in your control.

Nothing else has worked.