TOH, You have to find a way to control those urges of contacting your h every time you are hurting or angry. You are allowing your mind to play games w/you and the more you push, the harder he's going to pull away from you. You are not helping your situation by doing this.
You were doing so well....learn not to react to what he says. Many times, he will say or do things to get a reaction. That reaction tells him that you still care. In his mind, he wants you to hate him. Why? Because deep down, he hates himself. He's doing this to push you away.
I'm glad you decided to go out last night. Now, today, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. Learn from your mistakes and understand, you are too close to your situation to see what you are doing. Step back, let him wallow in his stew and learn to live your life to the fullest.
BTW, if you are questioning what you saw in him...that's good...maybe you'll finally get to the point of detachment and that's when you'll not care any longer what he's doing and drop the rope and live your life to the fullest.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You have to find a way to control those urges of contacting your h every time you are hurting or angry
So very very true.
The smile you got from him? He was happy to see you, he complimented your painting, he was happy to see your smile.
All of that is gone now because of the outburst you chose to have. Yes, you had a choice.
My lame opinion? You should have found yourself something else to do last night, without H around. Of course it hurt when he ignored you, so why put yourself there?
lwb, I know I blew it all out of the water yesterday. I knew it would when I called him. But I can deal with ALL of what H is handing out. What I can't deal with or ignore is OW's presence in MY life. And as long as she is in H's life she is in mine. After ALL that has been done. It is so VERY VERY wrong. Period.
I am wondering if the best thing for me to do at this point is to tell him that I cannot deal with this anymore. That I will not allow OW in MY life. So as long as he is in any contact whatsoever with her. That he is to stay completely out of my life. I don't want to see him or talk to him unless it is business or child related. In doing so I protect myself from any more of this crap. But if I do this what are the chances of us ever R? I don't know. I just need to find a way.
I went to the fights because I wanted to see nephew. Period. Why should I let H keep me away? I was prepared for H's reaction. Yes it hurt, why wouldn't it. We spent 25 years together, we have a daughter. Hate me or not, OW or not, MLC or not, he can't even say Hi? It hurt but it did not bring me down. I was not there to see him. I was not there to get a reaction out of him. It had NOTHING to do with him. THIS time he did not matter.
I guess what I am saying is..."why put yourself there?"... because for one night I was not going to let him have control over me...
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
What I can't deal with or ignore is OW's presence in MY life.
She isn't in your life. Your life is NOT intertwined with your husband's right now. Its not. The ONLY way she would be in your life is if she was spending time with your children. You are choosing to let her in your life. The trick is let your husband be a father. You don't have to let him be your husband right now.
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I don't want to see him or talk to him unless it is business or child related.
You don't even have to tell him this. You are (were) already doing it.
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But if I do this what are the chances of us ever R?
Is what you are doing now giving you any chance of R?
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because for one night I was not going to let him have control over me...
He wouldn't have control over you if you did you own thing. If he didn't know where you were for a few hours. Think about this, he always knows where you are. Work, home, or at a function he is attending.
As long as H and I are still M, OW IS apart of my life. As long as I still want him with me, she is a big part of that not happening. My life IS still interwined with H's. We are still M. We still have this farm, we share the same bills, account, responsibilties. We are only seperated and not even legally.
I was letting him be, not contacting. But then he comes. He sits with me, he shares with me his days (or what he chooses to share). And before or after, he is still talking to her. God! I hate it. I feel like a fool in this situation. What if they are plotting this big plan against me. What if she is guiding him in how to handle the D? This is the kind of stuff that drives me crazy.
And no me jumping on him doesn't help the sitch at all. But dambit don't I have a right to stand up for what is right? At least how I will allow myself to be treated?
your right about him knowing where I am. But I played that game. I would disappear. He wouldn't ask about me. Did't matter, he didn't care. I really have no place to go or nothing to do so why bother. It doesn't matter anyway. I went last night because I wanted to. That is all. Again it hurt. But I'm glad I went. Nephew won and I got to see it, this time I didn't miss it because H was there.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I guess I meant to say that you have to *think* of this situation as being separated/divorced from your husband. Think of it as the only ties you have is kids/finances.
Yes, your husband likely won't return to the marriage with OW around. But, you cannot make that decision for him.
And no me jumping on him doesn't help the sitch at all. But dambit don't I have a right to stand up for what is right? At least how I will allow myself to be treated?
Of COURSE you should stand up for how you are being treated! That is why you aren't having sex with him anymore. That's why you aren't allowing him to physically harm you. That is why you have healed yourself enough to see that threats/violence against them (H and OW) only hurt you. That's why you have made your own decisions and done your own thing with painting.
Unless OW shows up at your house or around your kids, she is nothing to you.
Of course, you can file. That would end his adultery. He wouldn't be cheating on you anymore. But you don't want that, so you will HAVE to wait it out, let it be, and set boundaries to stay peaceful.
I know your right lwb, I just can't figure out what boundaries and how to keep them.
and thanks for making me see the good things I have done for me. Didn't realize really until you spelled them out.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
It has been a pretty rough weekend for me. Thank you to those that stuck with me through it. Thank you for not giving up on me because I am so stubborn. I really thank God for all of you. Especially when you have so much going on in your own lives. You still find time for me. Thank you (((to each of you))) TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
and thanks for making me see the good things I have done for me. Didn't realize really until you spelled them out.
You are very welcome! I'm just glad you listen to an old divorced lady.
I just see things that *maybe* would have changed my outcome. I say 'maybe' because who knows. I can't flounder in the 'what if's', but I know some things were degrading to me, and didn't help my self esteem at all. I feel like I missed out on a year of my life, like I wasn't me, and that I can't get back.
