TOH, You have to find a way to control those urges of contacting your h every time you are hurting or angry. You are allowing your mind to play games w/you and the more you push, the harder he's going to pull away from you. You are not helping your situation by doing this.
You were doing so well....learn not to react to what he says. Many times, he will say or do things to get a reaction. That reaction tells him that you still care. In his mind, he wants you to hate him. Why? Because deep down, he hates himself. He's doing this to push you away.
I'm glad you decided to go out last night. Now, today, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. Learn from your mistakes and understand, you are too close to your situation to see what you are doing. Step back, let him wallow in his stew and learn to live your life to the fullest.
BTW, if you are questioning what you saw in him...that's good...maybe you'll finally get to the point of detachment and that's when you'll not care any longer what he's doing and drop the rope and live your life to the fullest.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
