Thank you, Veronica. I appreciate your kind words.
Some journaling......
Given the post I left with this morning, I wanted to monitor my progress through today so that I might be able to look back and see where I am...where I was...where I'm going...
I spent today with my S11 at his soccer tournament. They lost the first game - after going into overtime - 2-1 and then blew away the last team they faced 6-0. S11, as usual, played beautifully...and here was something funny...he used to introduce me to his friends saying, "watch out, my dad is really good." Today he said, "you should have seen my dad when he was a kid, he was awesome..." Of course, my son never saw me play as a kid...but it was a subtle, though gentle way to learn that he knows he's better than I am now...which I think is very exciting for him.
For the past five years, B would have been there with me - celebrating the goals, trying to calm me down every now and then, and joining us for lunch between games. I expected to miss her a lot today...but as the day ended, and I drove home by myself, I realized that I didn't miss her at all. I got in the car - and instead of calling her - which is what I always use to do is she didn't make the game - I simply put on some good music and sang all the way home. When I got home I made a smoothie, watched some professional soccer I had recorded...and then went to the gym.
On my way to the gym B finally called back (I had called this morning to ask how S2 was doing - since he had a fever yesterday). I missed the call - so I called back - and as usual, she didn't answer - but she did call back, and I had a chance to talk with S2. When he was done, instead of hanging up as she usually does, she got on the phone so I asked her how he was doing - no fever, still coughing...and then I said I had to go...though she sounded like she wanted to keep talking...I just didn't want to talk with her about anything though...I really just wanted to listen to the news and get to the gym.
The gym was empty, which was nice, and so I had a good hour there all to myself.
I'm home alone now - planning on using the rest of the evening to write - and feel very calm and happy. I asked myself what I would do if B were to call and say she wanted to work on us...and I just don't know how I would respond. Right now - seeing what I have to work on for myself...I just don't think I could be with her...it would be too distracting...and, besides, I am kind of excited at the prospect of extricating myself from her family - and from her issues. I love her...though I am no longer focused on what she has to do - I am, instead, focused on the very real changes I have to make in my life...and though they were unwanted changes at first, I am going to turn each of these changes into an opportunity to improve my life.
I had asked B if I could get a couple hours with S2 tomorrow since he was sick today (and he's usually with me on Saturdays). She snipped that she had plans...so I let it go. I've made plans for a busy day tomorrow. Cleaning house in honor of the Chinese New Year. Purging loads of old clothes. Writing a lot. Playing in a soccer game in the afternoon. And getting together with a friend for drinks in the evening. No sitting at home thinking about what's missing in my life...rather...I'll be going about the next stages I've set for the rebuilding of my life.
