Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Well...hello, my dear friend, Frank. Great to hear from you today.
(Master Frank called in the middle of my posting this!)

And yes, kind sir, she did indeed do that. Not unusual for her to use D8 and S3 as her emotional pawns to elicit the guilt-ridden response from me in her favor. The ploy of using our children to run interference for her selfishness has always worked like a charm for her in the past, until I pulled a fast one today; I asserted my rights as a father and told her that my plan was nothing elaborate, it was simply to spend time with my children, like any good parent would. It's all part of her narcissistic personality disorder..."It's all about ME!"

The good news is that, in the last two weeks, I am getting stronger by the day in detaching emotionally and disengaging behaviorally. Plus, I haven't been feeling sh*tty for asserting my rights and THAT is a very big step for me emotionally. I really haven't asserted my rights much with XW in the past 3 years, and today I behaved in a mature, adult way , rather than being jerky, in asserting my rights. I have decided to assert my rights in a firm, definitive, "this is NOT open for discussion" kind of way. The key is to keep this up by being strong and assertive, not mean and nasty. I am determined to make letting go of XW work so I can move forward in my life without expecting a successful reconciliation, but still remaining open to the possibility of reconciliation, should XW do her self-work and make her own changes. No expectations. No waiting. Living my life.

After three years of mostly being pliable, weak, needy, and WUSS-like, it feels good to stand my ground for what is right when I am dealing with my XW and her whims. It is also unexpected to NOT feel guilty about doing what is right, but I don't. I do love XW dearly, but I am not looking to be her friend unless that friendship is a part of a M. I told XW this in no uncertain terms when we first separated, and then like a wussy, I behaved kept doing 'friend' things with her, in direct contradiction to my true feelings that I have already expressed to her. I am disgusted with myself for being such a wuss for 3 years and deluding myself that I was acting this way because I wanted to spend more time with our children. I was lying to myself. I wanted to be with her, and it ended up being on her terms only. I feel my march moving in a different direction now. I am for ME! I am for my MARRIAGE! I spent the past 3 years behaving for XW instead. Are there any courses in kicking one's own a$$ for behaving so stupidly in their own sitch.

Oh well, that was then and this is NOW! I understand that my marriage is unlikely to ever reconcile, but I owe it to myself to live MY life for me and my children. Continuing to disengage and the resulting detaching from my XW emotionally will help me in becoming happier, healthier, and whole so that I can lead my children in doing the same.

In closing, thank you to everyone here for listening to my rants and watching my make ALL of the DB mistakes and fall on my face repeatedly. I appreciate your comments, encouragement, advice, admonishments, sharing your sitches so that I can learn more about myself in my sitch. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Mostly though, I appreciate my friendship with frank_D. He is a good man, a good friend, and he hits me hard with the truth in a way that resonates strongly with me. Thank you, Frank.

Goodnight.