I have had a good night's sleep and thought about your H SO2, I have read through some of your posts and got an idea of where you are at.
Bit of backstory about me 1st. Over the last 2 years, I was drinking heavily in the evening, I was playing computer games and not interacting with ym W or family at all. MY business was failing (not through the drink, just the economy) and I shut myself off from the world. W tried to talk to me, tell me I was killing us and myself, but I didn't hear her. IT was only when she left that I REALLY looked inwards. Since then the drinking has gone to an odd galss of wine, I go to the gym, have lost 30lbs + and had to buy new clothes that fit!
So, I know all about drinking and what it does.
From here SO2, I see your H as someone that prefers alcohol over his M. (like I did) It's an illness and the ONLY way to cure it starts from within. Your H isn't at that place yet, no amount of talking or changing yourself will help him. HE needs to help himself.
He can't cope with being with you as you remind him how awful he is to both you, your kids and himself. That is probably why he acts nasty when he sees you. It's not a nice thing to be reminded of how horrible you are, and that, I suspect, is what happens wehen you guys meet or interact.
The OW, well she is just an enabler. She doesn't question him or his drinking, she just 'is'. They have no history so he has no reminders of what he has done. It's a 'safe' haven for him and his problem.
He won;t move too far away, because he can't, even after all he has done, he still wants to be near his family. She is just acting as the enabler again and therefore moves to be near him (the fact that it's also near you, is IMHO irrelevant to her)
How do you progress?. Well that's the tough one. You need to just go on with YOUR life, accept him visiting his family, try not to judge him when you talk or see each other, just remember that he is hating himself, but can't find the strength to change himself. Will he ever?. Only HE can answer that one.
Take control of you and your family SO2, try to ignore everything else that is happening and hold your head high, you have done nothing wrong.
I may well be wide of the mark, but looking back at me and how I was, I don't think I'm too far off.
Thank you Silva! You actually brought tears to my eyes. A therapist once told me that I have two things to deal with...the infidelity and the alcoholism. Until my exh changes with the alcohol nothing else will.
You are so right on with your ideas. Exh doesn't want to give up the alcohol or the pills. He lost his first family to them and now his second. I am a reminder of what he should be doing and OW just lets him do what he wants. Thank you for saying that and I am so happy you caught on to your own drinking before it got bad. It still hurts like hell.
Its the weekend and exh will drink. If he is alone he will text. I am going to turn my phone off in awhile.
I will probably be posting here alot!!!!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Well, I made it through 5 days! My new record actually.
I did email W last night - needed to clear up an angry situation. I didn't want to leave our relationship ending on an argument. I said it was like a "splinter", and I don't want W to have any justification.
It was short, and sweet, and it's over with. Just had to get that out. I don't care if W responds, and don't expect her to.
Well, seems like I am no longer a junior member. I kicked BF out of the house last night. You can check my thread for details. So I think I will be starting with NC and today is day 1. Not 100% sure because I have individual appt with MC on Monday. Depending on what he says we may or may not continue MC or keep in contact. Just not sure at this point.
I spent the day GAL skiing for the first time in 20 years. I had a great time but when I had a moment to myself I was overwhelmed with sadness and despair, obviously not signs of detachment. When I got home I talked to a friend until I felt better and am ok right now.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
It amy not seem like it just now, but I am sure you have done the right thing. There will be wave after wave of sadness, they come and go, but eventually get less and less.
I am still not in the place I want to be. Still looking at the M with a hint of 'rose coloured glasses'. It's the good times that I am having trouble with letting go. I am trying to concentrate on the 'truth' though. The last 2 years or so weren't pretty.
I think in a way, where the WAS rewrites the marital history to assuage their guilt, we, the LBS do the opposite and find nothing but good memories.
Somewhere in there is a compromise. It's a hard job to dig it out though.
Try and keep up your PMA. We are all rooting for you.
Brought tears to my eyes too. I know my H feels awful everytime he sees me - sees the kids - visits the house... he made for some terrible memories and while we all have a hard time -I think it is easier in some ways for us than for him. H found religion which is helping some - being alone is great for him - no pressure - no memories - but no me. I can feel it every time we are together and I have stopped saying anything about it - he brings it up. Tonight at dinner he told me that he is afraid of returning home - getting stressed out and drinking again out of control, and being kicked out. There is nothing I can do about that - it is up to him to learn that he could handle things differently - but he doesn't know that yet. In the mean time I have a hard time dealing with my own feelings about the stuff that happened and not feeling "rejected" because it is more peaceful being alone than having to face the memories. I can't do this anymore tonight. Will check in tommorrow - I feel like giving up.
Kass, bless you, don't you dare give up! You are a lovely person and the world needs you, even if it doesn't seem like that just now.
The rejection and abadonment are the hardest things to cope with, I used to sit and dwell on the fact that W had left and didn't wnat anything to do with me, why, oh why, what had I done, how could she etc etc. Thing is, I now realise that I am worth more than that. Just because W feels like that, doesn't mean the rest of the world does. I am worth a lot more. No more self pity for me.
It takes time to be able to shift your perspectives, but it WILL happen.
It seems to me like you BOTH need some me time. Some time for reflection on who you are and what you can do to improve yourselves.
Your H is hurting, you are hurting. Take time for yourself, he will too. Search inside yourself for the REAL reason you are where you are. It took me a long time to be able to do that, and you know, I realsied that I had been carrying round a lot of baggage from my life that really wasn't any use anymore. That's been thrown away now and I feel much better for it.
Eat, sleep and look after yourself, then you will feel stronger and more able to cope.
