Time for me to change....scared as Hell! 2

[Creed]

TOH

Could be that you're feeling that a divorce would help stop the pain. At this point, you're so tired of hurting.

A divorce will NOT be the answer to stopping your pain/hurting. Because of how you still feel about your H, the pain will still be there, even after a divorce.

Unless you know you want to not be married to him any longer, don't look at divorce as a way to stop hurting. Moving on in your own life, learning and doing things YOU enjoy, disengaging yourself from his shenanigans will help ease what you're feeling.

[theotherhalf]

No Creed, it isn't to stop the pain. I have told my H many many times and others as well, the D would not change a thing other than it's a D. I would not stop loving him, I would not stop wondering and worrying about him, I would not stop thinking about him, missing him, and the hurt may not ever go away. It's too deep.

A D would put an end to the "waiting" to see what will happen. It would maybe be a beginning to what's next. I am afraid that biding my time here, will cause me to lose ALL that is left. (farm and all that goes with it) I am afraid that in the end of this mess that I will not only lose my H but I will walk away penniless and in more debt than I ever imagined. I just don't know if it matters THAT much. I always said I came into this M with nothing and if I ever left I would go with nothing.

I guess I am just tired of it all. The doubts and maybe even real reality is kicking my a*s. Thoughts of what other people think of me and are saying. Thoughts of what the h*ll am I still doing here? Thoughts of maybe I'm really stuck in denial. And thoughts of why REALLY H hasn't filed? He has threated soooooo many times, sworn that he will, then nothing. WHat is his plan? Maybe I need to beat him to the punch. For my own sake.

I really don't know. And like Snodderly said there is nothing I can do about it on a Saturday or Sunday anyway, so stop dwelling, right?

Off to continue my busy day. I've cleaned, got groceries, scrubbed carpet, burned garbage, hauled in corn, onward...

[glamgirl]

TOH it is a tough place to be in. Should I stay or should I go now. Only you can decide what is best for you. I know that if I had filed, my h would not be around as he is today.

Also keep in mind this all takes time. It has been almost 3 years now for me and my h. You really haven't stepped back until now to let your h have his space to process life. You don't know what the future holds.

Just keep praying and ask God to help you with what to do. I know I would pray often when I was feeling what you are and then God would always show me a sign to keep standing.

[theotherhalf]

Damb, Damb, Damb,

All is fine, I am doing so well, well mostly...

H and BIL comes to hay cows. I went to the basement to paint. When they were done. H came in. I stayed downstairs. He came down the steps with a huge smile. Said "what are you doing, ah painting, pretty" I smiled back said hi what are you up to. He was in a very good mood and really talkative. BIL came down too and we just visited. Then H makes a comment that just ruined it all. He had found out that past employee (that still worked at H's old job, with OW) got laid off and went somewhere else. My first reaction was to ask him how he knew. He didn't say. So knew it came from OW. So it means he was either with her or talked to her. Damb, damb, damb!!!!

What I don't know, doesn't hurt me! Why does he have to make sure I know? Why does he keep on doing this? Maybe it was a slip, but damb it! I am crushed. I am crying. I want to call him, ask him, text him, something. Why? Why can't I let this SOB out of my heart?

[naej]

I may be way off the mark here but I just wondered what would happen if you calmly ask H the questions about what he is saying(re convo you just related) at the time instead of letting it fester than getting the awlful urge to phone or text him and it resulting in an argument.
Of course if you ask at the time he may not reply or he may tell a lie but at least what's in your head will be out and you will not then have to let it grow so big that you explode or very nearly.
It all sounds too simple when I type it but I guess there is a reason you don't call him about it at the time.
Ignorance is bliss so "they" say but "they" also say knowledge is power---hmmmm.
Stay strong it gets easier.

[theotherhalf]

how in the hell can I be the lighthouse when this OW is clouding the light?

For I minute I let myself believe that the huge smile on my H's face today may be because he was glad to see me.

And then OW is there to take it all away, again. The smile on his face and his good mood was more likely because he spent 140 min on the phone with her and may have been with her last night.

Damb it. Your all wrong. This does not get any easier. Sure I get better at pretending. For awhile. Then it all comes back.

[theotherhalf]

naej, I didnt ask at the time because I knew he would know why I asked.

[job]

TOH,
You are allowing the ow to have too much space in your head! You don't know if the 140 minutes or the night spent w/her is the reason for your h's smile. Your h could have ignored you this afternoon, but he didn't. He came downstairs and looked at what you were painting. He may very well have been smiling because he saw you and for one minute, you weren't there confronting him. I suspect that your h's smile was because he saw you doing something good w/your time and energy.

If you can continue to remain calm and peaceful in his presence, you will be the lighthouse in the storm and take away the clouds that the ow is putting forth in your head. Please stop doubting the goodness that you've accomplished this week. You've done some growing and he's sensing it.

It will get easier if you will allow things to take their course and you continue on the path that you've set forth since the beginning of the new year. Any time there is growth and/or change, it's a bit difficult until you accomplish the next obstacle and you learn from the growth spurt.

TOH, you are growing and learning...don't be frustrated by what happened today.

[MidwesternGirl]

"how in the hell can I be the lighthouse when this OW is clouding the light?"

By being yourself--not being defensive, smiling, calm, polite, non-judgmental..........you get my drift.....

[theotherhalf]

Thanks all,

I did call him (I KNOW I KNOW sometimes there is no stopping me). I asked how he knew about friend. He said he didn't remember. "I said yes you do. I said what I don't know doesn't hurt me and I was doing so good, then you have to make sure I know. You have no idea how hard this is"
He couldn't talk as he was at BIL's. He said he'd talk to me later. He said your getting yourself all worked up for nothing. He said okay. I said no things will never be okay. He said yes they will. I hung up.

Well SIL called me in the mixt of my tears. She asked me to go with her to the fights. (like NFC that my nephew does) I said no. To hard to be around H in public because he ignores me or stares at me. Especially after what happened today. After I hung up the phone I thought. Sit here and be miserable? or Go try to have some fun and get to watch nephew? Why should I let H keep me away? So I went. I had a good time. H was standing outside when I walked up. He went in as soon as he seen me. We sat 1 table away from each other. He never acknowledged I was even there. Ouch! But I didn't let it get to me.

Glad I went. And I am okay.

Not going to lie. I looked at him a couple of times. He was drunk. And I thought to myself. What the hell do I see in this man. It's getting harder and harder to see.