Contact OW?

[kittycat]

My husband of 17 years admitted last month that he had a brief affair 14 months prior. He wanted to tell me shortly after it ended, but my mother unexpectedly passed away. Meanwhile, I sought counseling for my grief and worked through other issues I discovered had been getting in the way of our marriage. I thought our marriage was back on track and then learned about the affair. I think I'm actually doing pretty well and we have begun counseling which is great. I am back on the road to trusting him again. However, I found myself obsessed with the OW. She lives in a different state, so chances of contact are minimal. But, I find myself wanting to contact her to let her know that I know. What on earth would I gain by doing this? There is probably nothing healthy in doing so. Do I just want an apology from her? It's not like that is going to happen. Do I want to let her know so maybe she suffers, too? I doubt that will happen either. Has anyone else had these feelings?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Of course, but DON'T DO IT.

[Aud31]

You bet...I've had all those feelings for sure. In my experience, the question to ask yourself before you take an action like this is: will this move me closer to my goal of a healthy, happy relationship?

I did contact OW (she lived in a different state as well). It did nothing to alleviate my obsessive thoughts, was more than a little surreal, but was good for me in that it confirmed suspicions I had about the A. I wouldn't say it was a bad thing, but it sure didn't give me the peace I was looking for by a long shot.

I still get hit with a thought or question about OW from time to time, but tend to let them drop off my radar rather than bringing them up to my H. He answered pretty much everything I wanted to know in the beginning of this sitch, and to keep going back to it over and over is counterproductive. As long as you're moving forward together, it's your responsibility to learn how to process these feelings (which are natural consequences of his actions, BTW) and let the past stay in the past. It gets easier with time and improvement of your R.

[kittycat]

Thank you for your insight. I'm so glad there is this site!

[EnergyAZ]

I can relate 100%

OM in another state, but I do not have similar comfort about that as you appear. He visits this state often enough, and wife had been deceptive enough that I find myself constantly consumed with 'when is he coming next?'

I have ALL his contact info and its really difficult to not use it. What would I gain from using it? Thats arguable.

I did approach this OM months ago and respectfully asked him..man to man...to leave my lady alone & respect me and my attempts to save my family. Clearly he had other things in mind and I now have a level of hate for another human I have never had in my life. I have had many disturbing daydreams of the horrible things I would like to see happen to him.

That alone is a terrible burden and I cannot wait to finally be free of all the paranoid and evil thoughts I have rolling around in my mind

[kat727]

I think it usually does more harm than good. The OP, they don't care about you. they are as selfish as your spouse has become. they only care about themselves and this "love" they have found. I think my contacting OW only made ex want to "protect" her more. Time doesn't count for anything. All of our happy years were rewritten to be horrible. Don't do it to yourself.

kat

[karen43]

I agree with Kat. I did email the OW one time and didn't really regret it, but didn't really gain anything from it either. My H said something to me like "you're looking guilty" or something as if I'm the evil one in this! Hah! I do think the OP tend to be selfish, self-oriented people so their response will either be nothing (as in my case) or something that would benefit them, i.e. maybe causing you pain or whatever. So in retrospect, I don't think I would do that again. Karen

[Babygirl]

welcome to the site. here is my opinion. first confrontation, she lied. second time she confronted me, after my H came clean about thier affair and told me in an email about them having a 2 yo child. when she confronted me, she unloaded many truths my H had left out, and when I confronted H later with them he protected the OW, not me.

[Sugar and Spice]

FWIW I have had contact with the OW more than once and it did nothing but create more hurt, harm and injury to me. My H always seemed to protect her or take her side, even though she initiated the contact. If you are on the road to recovery, let it go. Why open that door? By all means, do whatever you feel is necessary, but I wouldn't. Let sleeping dogs lie (figuratively speaking )

[Superstar]

I have ALL his contact info and its really difficult to not use it. What would I gain from using it? Thats arguable.

Funny you mention it...

I've had the OM's contact info 6 months (unknown to her or him) and never felt the need to use it. My wife is big girl and she knew what she was doing...he didn't drug her.

Well, tonight I find out that she left our S7 at a stranger's house (strange to him) so she could go out with OM. On Tuesday, my son had a nightmare that W and I had left him alone somewhere and never came back...so what does she do? Exactly that.

Incredible.

I texted her asking if S7 was going to stay the night at the stranger's...no response. I called. Voicemail. I called again, and this time left a msg stating that if she didn't call me back I would find another way to reach her.

So what did I do? I called called the OM and asked him to hand the phone to her. "Who is this" he asked. "Her husband" I answered. LONG pause. "I don't think I want to..." and he hung up.

HAHAHAH!

Guess who called me 5 minutes later? You guessed it...she did.

My point is...save the contact info...you never know when you might need it.