Thank you for your kind and wise advice. The communication between XH and I has normalized and I understand what you said about not holding him up to a standard of happiness. This time of year (winter) seems to bring on this remorse, it's also when we got engaged, and reconciled. The intense obsessing over him was spurred on by seeing him looking run down, ragged and unhealthy in December. Our contact has been minimal as I demanded it be that way. I've always conducted myself as if this is best and never let on that I regret anything.
I've written an apology note to him, but haven't sent it for fear of ridicule and lack of privacy.
Dear "XH",
This letter is long overdue and I can only hope you'll read it. It's very important to me that you understand and believe that I loved you despite everything we went through.
"XH", I am truly and profoundly sorry for all of the pain I caused you. You stood by me and constantly reached out to me only to be rejected and hurt for it. I was stuck in my head and the guilt I felt over it made me think divorce was the only solution. I even have a hard time understanding it now. I know you saw it differently. I was not intentionally hurting you, but I did hurt you and I'm very sorry.
You are a good man and father. Please take care of yourself.
