I'm so sorry to hear what's been going on. I remember going throught that phase and H was very paranoid of me (when one of his items of mail was dented or something he thought I had done it), of course the Post office did that! But just really crazy emotions, on my side too, b/c you're having to deal with a cheating, lying, crazy, paranoid WAS.
I do think it sounds like you should go as NC as possible with your W. I wouldn't even talk to her unless there were several witnesses present. I don't trust your W at all. I would keep in close contact with your L, maybe a temporary custody hearing needs to be set up. Did you ever involve a family therapist in this? I think that would help you; I know ours is an ally to me in that she knows our situation and the more the truth is known the better in these kinds of things I think.
We really did go through that kind of phase around the time we were physically separating, and things have gotten 99% better since then. I still have to deal with him occasionally. But seriously things worked out for the best in my sitch, and I know they will in yours also. I also think it will be good for your W to face some reality. She will not be getting 80% of your salary and will find that out fairly soon. My H is giving the kids and I 50% of his salary now and I'm a sahm and both kids are special-needs with lots of $$$ copays every month.
I also think you should try not to get involved in any talk with your W. I try to do about 99% email with my H and that works out well, plus it gives me proof now that I'm telling him stuff, I'm polite, etc. Something I just really learned recently like this past week is that it's ok for us to have different opinions. H and I would always get in this attack-defend mode with me defending myself for how I looked at things all the time. I'm entitled to my opinion, and I don't need to defend it, and neither do you. (((((LIS)))))
