the same kind of wisdom that we learn to understand here. Love, let go, accept the situation, stay calm and continue to live a fulfilling life.
Is there any possible way to add on this..??
Quote:
I have that tightness in my chest right now...but it's not about B - the tightness is about what I have to do for me
This is the good pain. It is about you.
Just by reading your posts, all the activities that you do with your boys, it just brings joy to me. I think all your posts had help me in a unique connected way, something that I just can't explain.
Thanks my friend, keep on posting and spread those STRONG PMA.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
NW, Thanks so much for your kind words - I keep getting wonderful and useful PMA reminders from you - and the attitude is finally settling into being something that I just believe in and accept - and not a face I have to put on...that's been making a tremendous difference.
Veronica, I'm doing well. You're right that I've been trying to process a lot in these last few days - and I think that intense pain I felt early in the week yielded a lot of good information. I know now, without any doubt, that my pain, the tightness in my chest, the sorrow that hovers over me and seizes me in the mornings - these are mine - they come from me - and I was making a mistake in attributing that pain to B or our M. Yes, our M is on the brink of ending - and I am learning to accept that as just how things will be - if anything turns, that's fine - and I'll accept that as well - though both scenarios require a lot of work on my part...and, if there is any sort of reconciliation, on B's part as well.
I am at the point right now where I can see all these unwanted changes as necessary - and am also confident that I can turn these changes into motivators and tools to help me rebuild and achieve much more than I have up to this point - not just financially - but as a person.
There have been many times that I've felt like I've been in a holding pattern for the last few years - and I've often thought that something just needed to happen to trigger that leap into the next phase of my life. Of course, I thought that trigger would happen within the existing pattern of my life - W, kids, job, etc - but, as it turns out, this crisis is giving me the opportunity to evaluate my life - and change things - in a way that I don't think I ever would have if it hadn't happened.
I was not happy with my work - with many of my choices of these last few years - and that discontent was deflating me - distracting me - now that I have no choice but to focus on rebuilding my life I can see many, many of the parts of my life that are in disrepair - and I can find ways to work on them. Do I still love B? Yes...at least I think so...but when I see her now, I just see a person...I don't see my wife...just a person who lives a separate life and who doesn't need me in her life. That's fine - and I can accept that - and even welcome it in a strange way - since I am being given a vast amount of freedom to improve myself - and if I don't use this time and this opportunity to do so, than, than I will truly have failed myself.
This crisis is the true test of my willingness to improve myself and my life. This crisis is the horribly rich moment that could help me establish the foundation for a much better, more enriched and enriching life. I will have more pain and more obstacles - and I know that this process will throw me down again - but in moments like these, with the kind of calm clarity I am feeling, my mind doesn't wander toward the sources of my sorrow - rather I get distracted in a wonderful way by the thoughts of my aspirations - since, though much else has fallen apart, the aspirations remain intact...and my work toward those aspirations is something that I can control and change.
So I'm doing well. I have my baby boy home with me today - since B called this morning and told me he wasn't feeling well - so he's next to me, relaxing and watching Sesame street - while I write and try to get more work done. Hopefully he'll feel better soon - but he does have a troublesome little cough. He's very cuddly right now, though, and that just warms my heart like nothing else...
I feel like I've had a week of breakthroughs and so, though I know there is still a lot of pain awaiting me, and I'll continue to work and learn, I felt like I should summarize some of the stuff that finally made sense to me this week:
1. Wasted energy - Coach, you woke me up when you used those words. Worrying about what I want to change in B, worrying about the things that I know troubled her and continue to plague her - and thinking of what she has to do - all of that is, as you said, wasted energy. Loving her does not mean that I have to think about her situation every day - nor does it mean that I should bury myself in thoughts of what she has to do to work on herself and improve herself...it is up to her...not me...and letting go means that I give her the room and freedom she needs to do what she has to do. No more wasted energy.
2. Crying is necessary. This past Monday and Tuesday I wept in a new way - and heard sounds coming out of me that I just couldn't believe were mine...and I found myself on my knees, and I felt pangs of desperation - and I had that fear that this pain is impossible for anyone to endure...and yet, here I am, a few days later...grateful for the weeping - knowing that as I cried I healed, I let something go, and I acknowledged and accepted the sadness of losing something that had been so precious but so sorely neglected.
3. This is an opportunity. Never, and I mean never, would I have gotten an opportunity to grow so much so late in my life. As children, we grow gradually, learning over many years of mistakes and successes - we don't get that luxury in our compressed lives as adults - jobs, spouses, responsibilities, children - they all add up and make it so much harder to take the time to learn as we did when we had hardly any responsibilities as children...but now, here I am, having to rebuild my life - and having to do so with confidence that I will be fine - since if I do not carry that faith within me, this will be but another doomed enterprise.
4. Letting go is not a choice. Letting go is a necessity. Letting go gives me the space and the freedom to look at my own life and to examine the sources of my pain. Attachment kept me focused on her/us - and so the pain in me would remain...since I never looked at it with the right scope. Letting go takes you out of the maelstrom...and, seriously, how can you possibly have any healthy perspective when you are swept up in someone else's turbulent twists and turns. Step out of that vortex...find firm ground...and look around for where this crisis takes you....in other words...
5. I am on a journey too. This is not just B's journey to self-discovery. This is my journey as well - and of course it's painful...I didn't get to this point in my life because I was doing everything right...I got here because I kept doing things in my same stubborn way and had no idea how flawed my thinking was. Here's an example in practical terms: Like so many DBers, I am a fixer...Hello, my name is Carlos. I have been a fixer for almost forty years...I was in the store the other day and a customer was looking for something, and I heard her ask aloud where it was - I knew where it was, and my impulse was to tell her. But I'm working on that fixer attitude...and so I didn't tell her where it was - and instead I just watched to see if she would find what she was looking for...and here's what happened...not only did she find it (after some frustration), but she also found some other things she had forgotten she needed from the store. LESSON LEARNED. Fixing keeps people from finding things they have to find on their own...and so I apologize to you, my wife, for having tried so hard to love you by fixing things for you...I did not know that love should not fix, love should accept.
6. If there is pain in my heart, something is not right. I've used this analogy before - and so have many others - but the heart, like any other muscle, tells us when something is wrong. When it aches, there is something not right...so why continue to assume that it aches only because we are losing someone we love. If we continue to lose that person and we know that and the pain remains, then I don't think we've addressed the right source of the pain. I liken it to running. When you get a pain in your leg you figure out where it comes from - the pain tells you that you're doing something wrong - like wearing the wrong shoe, not doing the right warm-up, or just overusing the muscle...the same is true for the heart...and so if there is pain - we need to be honest about the source of that pain. The obvious answer is to say that we're in pain over losing our spouse - but the pain remains once we know that...and so now I see that it's necessary to be brutally honest with oneself and see that the pain doesn't come from loving outward - the pain comes from me...and that's where I have to focus my work. Looking to understand the pain in terms of B would continue my pattern of wasted energy - whereas looking at the pain in terms of me and what I have to do gives me a genuine opportunity to heal.
7. FEAR. Fear is the worst part of all this for me...it was fear that blocked my perception and kept me from understanding all of the things I have just written about. For me, it was fear of all the changes I will have to make in my life. Fear of being alone, fear of taking more responsibility for my work, fear of having to find a new home, fear of failing my children, fear of never getting B back, fear of running out of money, fear of fear...and it was all so damn useless! I had to get through that fear, look at my life and accept it - accept my situation and do everything within my power to get through it - and I know that I can, and I conquer that fear by believing that I will be fine no matter what. Why do I believe that? Because I have no choice. If I am not fine through this it will destroy me and my children - and it will affect too many other people as well - but I am not deluding myself in saying that I will be fine...it is the truth - since it is within my control.
8. Control is overrated....at least when it comes to other people. Fixing is controlling, wanting someone to change is controlling. Control dooms us to wasted energy. I make a point now of making sure that I change the things I can, and accept the things I cannot. Yes, that's serenity.
That's a start...
Now it's time to head out for my S11's soccer games!
Okay, this one gets printed and hung up where I can see it, regularly.
Whatever pain and desperation you have been going through, you have clearly come through it with INCREDIBLE insight and wisdom. There are people faced with adversity and sadness who never see the opportunity it presents, let alone learn from it. Not only have you accomplished both of those things, but you have emerged from it as someone who can set an example for others, like me, on this journey.
Thank you, Veronica. I appreciate your kind words.
Some journaling......
Given the post I left with this morning, I wanted to monitor my progress through today so that I might be able to look back and see where I am...where I was...where I'm going...
I spent today with my S11 at his soccer tournament. They lost the first game - after going into overtime - 2-1 and then blew away the last team they faced 6-0. S11, as usual, played beautifully...and here was something funny...he used to introduce me to his friends saying, "watch out, my dad is really good." Today he said, "you should have seen my dad when he was a kid, he was awesome..." Of course, my son never saw me play as a kid...but it was a subtle, though gentle way to learn that he knows he's better than I am now...which I think is very exciting for him.
For the past five years, B would have been there with me - celebrating the goals, trying to calm me down every now and then, and joining us for lunch between games. I expected to miss her a lot today...but as the day ended, and I drove home by myself, I realized that I didn't miss her at all. I got in the car - and instead of calling her - which is what I always use to do is she didn't make the game - I simply put on some good music and sang all the way home. When I got home I made a smoothie, watched some professional soccer I had recorded...and then went to the gym.
On my way to the gym B finally called back (I had called this morning to ask how S2 was doing - since he had a fever yesterday). I missed the call - so I called back - and as usual, she didn't answer - but she did call back, and I had a chance to talk with S2. When he was done, instead of hanging up as she usually does, she got on the phone so I asked her how he was doing - no fever, still coughing...and then I said I had to go...though she sounded like she wanted to keep talking...I just didn't want to talk with her about anything though...I really just wanted to listen to the news and get to the gym.
The gym was empty, which was nice, and so I had a good hour there all to myself.
I'm home alone now - planning on using the rest of the evening to write - and feel very calm and happy. I asked myself what I would do if B were to call and say she wanted to work on us...and I just don't know how I would respond. Right now - seeing what I have to work on for myself...I just don't think I could be with her...it would be too distracting...and, besides, I am kind of excited at the prospect of extricating myself from her family - and from her issues. I love her...though I am no longer focused on what she has to do - I am, instead, focused on the very real changes I have to make in my life...and though they were unwanted changes at first, I am going to turn each of these changes into an opportunity to improve my life.
I had asked B if I could get a couple hours with S2 tomorrow since he was sick today (and he's usually with me on Saturdays). She snipped that she had plans...so I let it go. I've made plans for a busy day tomorrow. Cleaning house in honor of the Chinese New Year. Purging loads of old clothes. Writing a lot. Playing in a soccer game in the afternoon. And getting together with a friend for drinks in the evening. No sitting at home thinking about what's missing in my life...rather...I'll be going about the next stages I've set for the rebuilding of my life.
You seem to remain in a good, level, peacful state of mind with a lot of focus on you. The longer this state of mind lasts, the closer you are to ending the cycling of moods.
I am glad you have a lot of good things to do for yourself today.
If 10% of the adults knew half of what you just wrote we would have a much more loving and prosperous world. That's a Ph.D in dealing with emotions right there. I'm impressed. Keep paying it forward.
Cheers Carlos! Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
