I feel like I've had a week of breakthroughs and so, though I know there is still a lot of pain awaiting me, and I'll continue to work and learn, I felt like I should summarize some of the stuff that finally made sense to me this week:
1. Wasted energy - Coach, you woke me up when you used those words. Worrying about what I want to change in B, worrying about the things that I know troubled her and continue to plague her - and thinking of what she has to do - all of that is, as you said, wasted energy. Loving her does not mean that I have to think about her situation every day - nor does it mean that I should bury myself in thoughts of what she has to do to work on herself and improve herself...it is up to her...not me...and letting go means that I give her the room and freedom she needs to do what she has to do. No more wasted energy.
2. Crying is necessary. This past Monday and Tuesday I wept in a new way - and heard sounds coming out of me that I just couldn't believe were mine...and I found myself on my knees, and I felt pangs of desperation - and I had that fear that this pain is impossible for anyone to endure...and yet, here I am, a few days later...grateful for the weeping - knowing that as I cried I healed, I let something go, and I acknowledged and accepted the sadness of losing something that had been so precious but so sorely neglected.
3. This is an opportunity. Never, and I mean never, would I have gotten an opportunity to grow so much so late in my life. As children, we grow gradually, learning over many years of mistakes and successes - we don't get that luxury in our compressed lives as adults - jobs, spouses, responsibilities, children - they all add up and make it so much harder to take the time to learn as we did when we had hardly any responsibilities as children...but now, here I am, having to rebuild my life - and having to do so with confidence that I will be fine - since if I do not carry that faith within me, this will be but another doomed enterprise.
4. Letting go is not a choice. Letting go is a necessity. Letting go gives me the space and the freedom to look at my own life and to examine the sources of my pain. Attachment kept me focused on her/us - and so the pain in me would remain...since I never looked at it with the right scope. Letting go takes you out of the maelstrom...and, seriously, how can you possibly have any healthy perspective when you are swept up in someone else's turbulent twists and turns. Step out of that vortex...find firm ground...and look around for where this crisis takes you....in other words...
5. I am on a journey too. This is not just B's journey to self-discovery. This is my journey as well - and of course it's painful...I didn't get to this point in my life because I was doing everything right...I got here because I kept doing things in my same stubborn way and had no idea how flawed my thinking was. Here's an example in practical terms: Like so many DBers, I am a fixer...Hello, my name is Carlos. I have been a fixer for almost forty years...I was in the store the other day and a customer was looking for something, and I heard her ask aloud where it was - I knew where it was, and my impulse was to tell her. But I'm working on that fixer attitude...and so I didn't tell her where it was - and instead I just watched to see if she would find what she was looking for...and here's what happened...not only did she find it (after some frustration), but she also found some other things she had forgotten she needed from the store. LESSON LEARNED. Fixing keeps people from finding things they have to find on their own...and so I apologize to you, my wife, for having tried so hard to love you by fixing things for you...I did not know that love should not fix, love should accept.
6. If there is pain in my heart, something is not right. I've used this analogy before - and so have many others - but the heart, like any other muscle, tells us when something is wrong. When it aches, there is something not right...so why continue to assume that it aches only because we are losing someone we love. If we continue to lose that person and we know that and the pain remains, then I don't think we've addressed the right source of the pain. I liken it to running. When you get a pain in your leg you figure out where it comes from - the pain tells you that you're doing something wrong - like wearing the wrong shoe, not doing the right warm-up, or just overusing the muscle...the same is true for the heart...and so if there is pain - we need to be honest about the source of that pain. The obvious answer is to say that we're in pain over losing our spouse - but the pain remains once we know that...and so now I see that it's necessary to be brutally honest with oneself and see that the pain doesn't come from loving outward - the pain comes from me...and that's where I have to focus my work. Looking to understand the pain in terms of B would continue my pattern of wasted energy - whereas looking at the pain in terms of me and what I have to do gives me a genuine opportunity to heal.
7. FEAR. Fear is the worst part of all this for me...it was fear that blocked my perception and kept me from understanding all of the things I have just written about. For me, it was fear of all the changes I will have to make in my life. Fear of being alone, fear of taking more responsibility for my work, fear of having to find a new home, fear of failing my children, fear of never getting B back, fear of running out of money, fear of fear...and it was all so damn useless! I had to get through that fear, look at my life and accept it - accept my situation and do everything within my power to get through it - and I know that I can, and I conquer that fear by believing that I will be fine no matter what. Why do I believe that? Because I have no choice. If I am not fine through this it will destroy me and my children - and it will affect too many other people as well - but I am not deluding myself in saying that I will be fine...it is the truth - since it is within my control.
8. Control is overrated....at least when it comes to other people. Fixing is controlling, wanting someone to change is controlling. Control dooms us to wasted energy. I make a point now of making sure that I change the things I can, and accept the things I cannot. Yes, that's serenity.
That's a start...
Now it's time to head out for my S11's soccer games!
