Time for me to change....scared as Hell! 2

[theotherhalf]

no lwb I haven't slept with my H since December 9th. Don't remind me...

[LL44]

Ok, good.

Well, not good. I am sure you miss it (I still do!), but you know what I mean.

[theotherhalf]

I miss the sex of course, well some of it. The last time was the most connected sex we've had for a very very long time. But I do not miss the uncontrollable expectations of "this" time maybe things will be diffent afterwards...

My H went back home a few days after the last time. I asked him that day if the other night was a good bye, he said "no, I don't think so". I guess he lied. Again. Because since that time he has went from bad to worse, from gone to really detached, and back to OW (I think).

Anyways, thats in the past. I have to look forward. Take care LWB.

[theotherhalf]

Since you brought it up...I think this is the longest I have went without sex for over 25 years. Ouch!

[theotherhalf]

Morning all,

Not alot going on here. Its cold as H^ll again. And snow to be coming in tonight, tomorrow, and Monday. YEA! NOT!

I have not initiated contact with H for now going on 12days. It does help. Your right. But oh so hard to not do.
H was around here about the time I get home from work Wed and Thur evenings. I was not home. Coincidence or planned, don't know. Usually does chores early in the day and long gone when I get home. Then yesterday morning he stopped in after work. He was nice and we talked quite awhile. He had plugged in the tractors so must have planned on doing chores in afternoon. When I got home, I seen they hadn't been moved so???

I have been feeling kind of paralyzed this week. Working on getting off my duff. Alot of crap still rolling around in my head. Alot to have to work through. I really am having a hard time finding reasons to keep standing for my M. It feels have if it's all so pointless anymore. The song "I don't want to spend my life wasted" has been really haunting me. The same question is on my mind 24/7, why am I waiting to file?

[job]

TOH,
You are doing very well....no initiated contact for 12 days! That's a great start.

It was nice that your h came over and plugged the tractors in. He had every intention of returning, but something may have come up and that's why he didn't return. Keep in mind, they get distracted very easily when in crisis. Keep the expectations at zero no matter what.

As for filing...that's something only you can decide. I suspect you are just having some moments and may just be thinking about it. I bet tomorrow, you'll be right back here saying that you are going to continue standing. TOH, whatever you opt to do, we are all here for you.

Stay warm!

[theotherhalf]

Snodderly,

This thought of D is in my head 24/7. I really don't know what to do at this point. I think the ONLY thing that keeps me from filing is the "what if" and not having the retainer redily available. Otherwise I see no other reason to not file. I love my H very much. I still want to grow old with that man. This man today, no. I see no positives in our R or in him. I am having a harder and harder time finding hope in R. I am feeling really defeated.

[job]

TOH,
I understand....but you are still looking for signs of him waking up and they aren't there yet. It could be a year or more before he settles down and starts reconnecting w/you and your children on a different level. He's still very much in replay, depression and yes, anger too. It all takes time. That's why it's very important that you focus on other things. Pretend he's off on a ship somewhere far, far away. There is an old saying that really applies to these types of situations. It is "a watched pot never boils". That's very true.

TOH, try to focus on something else. Your mood will bring you down and you know what? There's nothing you can do about a divorce today...so pull out your paints and paint something new today.

[theotherhalf]

lol, your right thanks Snodderly

[job]

Let me know how the art work turns out later today.