I have had a good night's sleep and thought about your H SO2, I have read through some of your posts and got an idea of where you are at.
Bit of backstory about me 1st. Over the last 2 years, I was drinking heavily in the evening, I was playing computer games and not interacting with ym W or family at all. MY business was failing (not through the drink, just the economy) and I shut myself off from the world. W tried to talk to me, tell me I was killing us and myself, but I didn't hear her. IT was only when she left that I REALLY looked inwards. Since then the drinking has gone to an odd galss of wine, I go to the gym, have lost 30lbs + and had to buy new clothes that fit!
So, I know all about drinking and what it does.
From here SO2, I see your H as someone that prefers alcohol over his M. (like I did) It's an illness and the ONLY way to cure it starts from within. Your H isn't at that place yet, no amount of talking or changing yourself will help him. HE needs to help himself.
He can't cope with being with you as you remind him how awful he is to both you, your kids and himself. That is probably why he acts nasty when he sees you. It's not a nice thing to be reminded of how horrible you are, and that, I suspect, is what happens wehen you guys meet or interact.
The OW, well she is just an enabler. She doesn't question him or his drinking, she just 'is'. They have no history so he has no reminders of what he has done. It's a 'safe' haven for him and his problem.
He won;t move too far away, because he can't, even after all he has done, he still wants to be near his family. She is just acting as the enabler again and therefore moves to be near him (the fact that it's also near you, is IMHO irrelevant to her)
How do you progress?. Well that's the tough one. You need to just go on with YOUR life, accept him visiting his family, try not to judge him when you talk or see each other, just remember that he is hating himself, but can't find the strength to change himself. Will he ever?. Only HE can answer that one.
Take control of you and your family SO2, try to ignore everything else that is happening and hold your head high, you have done nothing wrong.
I may well be wide of the mark, but looking back at me and how I was, I don't think I'm too far off.
