I don't think we have a huge problem...and everything in the marriage is going pretty well except that my wife doesn't seem nearly interested "enough" in sex, ever since the birth of our baby who is now 9 months old.
Any pointers on how to bring this subject up, without really insulting my wife? I've tried hints, and have outright said "how come we only have sex once a month now?", but nothing changes. I guess she doesn't think it is a big deal....but personally, I'm tired of looking at porn and want my wife's sexual desire to return. I'm also mildly concerned that I would have difficulty resisting an affair, if opportunity happened to present itself (I wouldn't go looking though).
I know that our new child and her weight gain are both factors. But neither of those things has diminished my desire nearly as much as it has apparently diminished hers. And when we do have sex, we both still enjoy it and find it fullfilling.
Again...not much else negative about our marriage, but I'd like to address this situation before it becomes a bigger problem. Advice?
Have you read Michele's Sex-Starved Marriage book? My first advice is to get this book and read it yourself. If your wife is willing to work with you on this, have her read it too. If she can understand how this hurts you emotionally and most importantly hurts your relationship, you will have a way back to one another.
My second advice is to work on solving this now... don't wait like I did. You sound exactly like I did 17 years ago. After our daughter came into our life, it changed everything. My wife was a mom now and sex pretty much went out the window. I tried talking to her about it, but without the proper approach it just sounded like my whining to her. After so long I gave up trying and started looking at porn... bad mistake. Thoughts of having an affair eventually became actions. Believe me, you do not want to go down this path.
Work as hard as you can, now while you are young, to have the close relationship a man and a woman are meant to have.
Cinco
Me49 W49 D17 M23 Sep01 Me PA 1 Jan02 filed D Mar02 ended A 1 reconcile Apr08 Me PA 2 May08 ended A 2 Aug09 A's revealed My latest thread Drive
Having given birth 4 times, a new baby seriously kills any libido you may have had before. Especially if she's nursing. Her hormones are not back to normal. Her testosterone is way low, her bodies way of ensuring that she doesn't get pregnant while still taking care of this demanding baby.
If I were you, I'd completely drop the sex issue. I'd focus on pampering her. I'd focus on anticipating her needs. I guarantee you if you are attentive, affectionate, hugs & shoulder touches only, & if you take the baby in the evening & let her unwind for a bit, she'll be getting sexy thoughts much faster. Could she take a power nap when you get home ?? I'm sure she's completely utterly exhausted. It's not that her attraction to you is any different. The fact that she enjoys it once you guys get there, I'm positive it's just that she's sooooooo exhausted.
Try some snuggling with no pushing for sex. Be patient. Be loving. She'll come around.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Yeah, probably what cookie says. If you are helping with the baby as much as you should be, I would find it hard to imagine you could have energy yourself or realistic expectations of sex much more often than that. Little babies hose your sex life, that's a fact. Hang in there. Your sitch, while it sucks to a degree, sounds fairly normal and should improve.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
If things don't start improving again in a reasonable amount of time, say a year, start working together to get back to a level that the both of you will be happy with. Get a baby sitter once in a while and rediscover each other (grandma & grandpa are good for this). You can't do anything better for your new child than to raise him/her in a home with two loving and still in love parents (and that means regular lovers).
If once a month seems like an eternity for you to wait, then it will always feel like there is something not quite right about your M anymore. This is important and a mistake I regret not addressing after our child was born.
As I said...I don't think we have a big problem, but I would like to address it before it becomes worse. The baby is sleeping well at night and is usually down by 8:00 pm. Granted, my wife is tired after a long day of caring for the baby (which she enjoys immensely, but has admitted that it is a bit harrowing).
She used to turn in early pre-baby. Never had much energy after about 7:30 pm or so. Now she is even more ready for sleep in the evening. Problem is, evening is abot the only time we get where we are both home and the baby is likely to sleep for longer than a "nap".
I would think that if she doesn't want sex after a day's child caring for...why not try for some morning or afternoon fun, at least on weekends? I'm not an early riser, but would definately be game to be woken and "entertained" in bed for a while, on occasion. In the 5 years we've been together I don't think she's ever done this...even though I'll sometimes wear something kinky to bed the night before, hoping that in the morning she'll see it and get in the mood. Never works.
I am the one who initiates sex 95% of the time. Many times, a suggestion for sex gets ignored. Sometimes I just give up even trying to get her in the mood and weeks will go by, then she'll initiate...but that is rare as it is usually me that can't wait any longer and tries to initiate again.
I just want a healthy sexual relationship with my wife, so that I do not fall to temptation of an affair. Unfortunately, my wife has also gained a large amount of weight since we've been together and I find her not only lacking in the quantity of sex, but (just being honest and open here) also find her less and less physically attractive too. I find myself looking at other women all around and thinking to myself "she's better looking than my wife, wish I could be with her". I know this is wrong and unhealthey for our marriage...and I HOPE they are just thoughts and I'd never act on them, but I am worried that if opportunity presented itself, I might not be able to be a "god boy" and reject another woman's advances.
My trouble is communicating. I do not want my wife to know that I feel this way about her....it would crush her self-esteem. I'm looking for a way to get some improvement without making things even worse first. All advice is appreciated. THANKS.
(PS, I know I probably sound like a petty ass-hole...but the truth is the truth and I am not trying to hide from my honest feelings...I want this marriage to last and be healthy and I'm fully aware that if I acted on my urges to cheat, it would likely destroy our (and our child's) lives together)
In situations like yours, it's very easy for the wife to get stuck in the mother role. Making love with the husband becomes irrelevant. Being attractive becomes less important.
You don't know how many of my friends tell me that after their child was born, they stopped having date nights with their spouses. They stopped really being a couple. They became parents -- and that was it. But parents need to also be lovers.
I endorse what Cinco said: "Get a baby sitter once in a while and rediscover each other (grandma & grandpa are good for this). You can't do anything better for your new child than to raise him/her in a home with two loving and still in love parents (and that means regular lovers)."
This is incredibly important. Are you and your wife still going on date nights? Do you have a baby sitter? If the answer is no ... that's all you need to know.
Yes, maybe the most important thing you can do for your child is to work on being a good couple who really enjoy spending time together.
I know it's tough. But this is essential to your happiness and the future welfare of your family.
me: 50 w (waw): 45 daughter: 9 m: 16 t: 19 bomb: 9/26/08 status: physical separation for 7 weeks, then work-in-progress R
As I said...I don't think we have a big problem, but I would like to address it before it becomes worse. The baby is sleeping well at night and is usually down by 8:00 pm. Granted, my wife is tired after a long day of caring for the baby (which she enjoys immensely, but has admitted that it is a bit harrowing).
so how would your attitude change if you let her go to bed and catch up on sleep and not resent it so much? Could you maybe cuddle her ( in the morning or when she seems rested ?) and then lead into sex? Would she then welcome it or not?
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I would think that if she doesn't want sex after a day's child caring for...why not try for some morning or afternoon fun, at least on weekends?
Cause she is not you... maybe her idea of perfect fun is very different?
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I'm not an early riser, but would definately be game to be woken and "entertained" in bed for a while, on occasion. In the 5 years we've been together I don't think she's ever done this...even though I'll sometimes wear something kinky to bed the night before, hoping that in the morning she'll see it and get in the mood. Never works.
My H loves this idea too , and so b/c I have not done this either? he gets hurt feelings.... Do you "wake " her up???
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I am the one who initiates sex 95% of the time. Many times, a suggestion for sex gets ignored. Sometimes I just give up even trying to get her in the mood and weeks will go by, then she'll initiate...but that is rare as it is usually me that can't wait any longer and tries to initiate again.
What if you tried to stop getting her in the mood, and were just Gary ?
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I just want a healthy sexual relationship with my wife, so that I do not fall to temptation of an affair. Unfortunately, my wife has also gained a large amount of weight since we've been together and I find her not only lacking in the quantity of sex, but (just being honest and open here) also find her less and less physically attractive too. I find myself looking at other women all around and thinking to myself "she's better looking than my wife, wish I could be with her". I know this is wrong and unhealthey for our marriage...and I HOPE they are just thoughts and I'd never act on them, but I am worried that if opportunity presented itself, I might not be able to be a "god boy" and reject another woman's advances.
I know you are just Human love.... but it is ultimately your decision to sleep with someone other than your Wife. Do you honestly think she would continue to behave this way if she knew she would then have to suffer thru you having had an affaiR? Do you think having sex with other Women in your mind is leading you to feel closer to you Wife?
BTDT~ MY H cheated on me and yes I do accept my responsibilty for his loneliness. But Not for thinking sex with another Woman would somehow cure that loneliness. I was lonely too, we both checked out and took another for granted. Some hot Man Candy was not going to cure my loneliness.
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My trouble is communicating. I do not want my wife to know that I feel this way about her....it would crush her self-esteem. I'm looking for a way to get some improvement without making things even worse first. All advice is appreciated. THANKS.
Then do not communicate ... do things with her , talk to her, listen , get the connection going again first. You are there with her but you have already checked out,,, do you really think she doesn't feel that?
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(PS, I know I probably sound like a petty ass-hole...but the truth is the truth and I am not trying to hide from my honest feelings...I want this marriage to last and be healthy and I'm fully aware that if I acted on my urges to cheat, it would likely destroy our (and our child's) lives together)
You do not sound like an [censored]. You sound like a man who is being open and honest. Human... even .... gald you are fully "AWARE"
Now try to start living that awareness by not being so hard on her or yourself for needing or wanting.
S&A if you are reading please offer some or your Wisdom here.
Unadjusted , how beautiful that you are being honest with yourself. Go from there. Stop trying and start genuinely giving, not only to her but to yourself. All your trying is frustrating the F^CK out of you and making you get more angry and resentful with her.
Suggestion~ Go for a walk w/ Baby and Mom if time allows it. She will get time w/you and you with her , and she *may* feel better about herself some.
Do not do any of this with expectations... Easier said than done. Take care... Ava
Thank you all, for the feedback. Much appreciated.
A few more comments:
1. I am 100% in support of our child being the number one priority. And I appreciate EVERY effort that my wife makes in trying to be the best parent for our baby. I get that. However, I still do have desire for an intimate relationship with my wife and I am searching for a way to squeeze one into our current family situation. If I should feel guilty about that, please let me know.
2. The whole idea of an "affair" is nothing more than that. I intend to be faithful whether our sexual relationship improves or not. But, the unknown is whether I could keep those intentions if an opportunity presented itself. I hate even thinking that I would be vulnerable, but I'm trying to be realistic and honest and I do not know how I would react in certain scenarios. I hope I would do the right thing, but it scares me that I sometimes get so discouraged about "us" that my eyes begin to wander and the fantasies begin to cloud the mind.
3. I've tried being "romantic", not that I'm some kind of Romeo. But the reaction has been luke-warm. I think between the exhaustion and her low self esteem (weight gain), she just doesn't place nearly as much emphasis on our sexual relationship as I do. If she knew some of what I discuss here, she might realize the importance...but I can't just announce that I have bad thoughts about our marriage because I think it would just make the current situation (which isn't horrible) worse.
4. I have tried on a few occasions (while we were actually being intimate) to make comments to the effect of "why don't we do this more often?"...or "too bad we don't do this as much as we used to", etc... Her reaction to such comments is positive in that she agrees that we should be intimate more, and she misses it too, and she still enjoys it too, and that it is a good idea to increase our frequency of love making...but then she never follows through and makes any changes to make it easier for us to be together more often. It is a bit frustrating.
5. As far as "waking her up"...I would never do that unless she suggested it. I thought, well, maybe she thinks the same thing about waking me up in the mornings. So, I specifically told her that since she's usually too tired at night, that I wouldn't mind being woken earlier than usual for some sex. She seemed like she'd do it, but it has been weeks and she has not.
6. We do have a baby siter, but use her mainly during the day when both of us need to be at work (I work 5 days a week and am gone by 8:00 and return around 5:30, she works 3 days a week 8:30-4:00). We'll have to try getting the sitter for some evenings or a weekend day, but it is tough because she sits the baby in our home, which would make it difficult to "get busy".
7. Anyway...most guys probably have exotic fantasies, while I just long for a day when I come home from work and my wife greets me actually dressed in something other than sweats and a giant tee shirt, and actually has fixed her hair and makeup and actually seems as though she'd be interested in some intimacy once the baby goes to sleep. This is a "fantasy" that has not played itself out even one time in the 10 months since our child was born. When we do have sex it is usually while baby's napping on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon...as wife strips out of her unflattering clothes for a quickie. Then those unflattering clothes goe back on as the baby wakes up (usually before we're done). Gone is fore-play. Gone is cuddling afterwards. It's just not good enough anymore.
Sorry for being so long. Maybe I should just accept that "married with kids" means very little sex and less pleasure/happiness than I'd like, period ???
