need help, sex or no sex??

[25yearsmlc]

sh,
why is she upset at you? What does she say she needs from you, or her lifestyle (like not working so many hours, or maybe you have little babies, etc. and she isn't sleeping through the night, etc.)? What can you do to help with any of that?

Also, please NEVER tell her you'll go elsewhere for it if you want your w to feel sexual. One thing my brother, (an otherwise good guy) did that plagued his m was this: he'd say he wanted more sex and warmth from his w and she'd say she wanted to feel secure in the m. I do identify with her as no woman feels sexy if she doesn't feel safe with her partner. Safe to let go, to be vulnerable, etc. So if my brother could have FIRST fully commited to the m, (which he should have done, for God's sake) I think she'd have felt safer and more affectionate and sexual. But he didn't, and so she didn't, and neither would move first, until the other did. They each went to mc to "get the other to see my point" meaning they went to marriage counselling to get the other one to change. Of course it failed. So they divorced after 3 daughters and 11 years...

I would never feel in the mood if my h threatened me. OMG, it'd be the opposite. Talk about manipulation...or extortion.

But I assume you have not said such a thing though.

So, how do you express your wants and needs and how can you come up with an approach that works? Remember, this is not about being "right", it is about being happy. This is solution based therapy, not blame assigning. So you have to drop your anger too, which I hear loud and clear in your post. The idea that you'd threaten adultery isn't exactly a loving approach even in you only said it here. I have to wonder if she senses it and feels manipulated or threatened. Have you read "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman? It's very very helpful in this arena especially. See what your wife needs, and not just what you need, for her to feel safe enough to be fully open to you. Don't think I condone a SSM b/c I don't. But there are usually (not always) reasons on the man's side of things, that account for a lot of the wife's feelings...so you have to make sure you've covered your bases with yourself. When you say you do not believe there has been cheating, but that you could, what is the purpose of saying that? What's the goal?
If it's saving your m, I strongly suggest a new approach.
Make sense?
j-