cw68 - It is a good thing for you to not know any details from now on of his personal life with OW. He is just trying to blame you for his own failures. Dont take it personal.
cw68's husband, I hope you can understand that your wife used this site for support and that she meant no harm when she spoke the truth. Maybe someday you may come to realize what you threw away in this marriage.
Despite what you would probably think, based on all the things you've read about "me", I can certainly appreciate the support and guidance that is provided on this forum. Divorce is hell and I don't wish it on anybody, though my personal belief is that sometimes it makes sense to exit an untenable marriage.
It is however unfortunate that a site intended to serve as a therapeutic outlet seems (based on the many postings I have read, particularly those from cy68) to serve more as a medium on which to spew hateful, destructive and GROSSLY UNTRUTHFUL rhetoric, than a place at which solutions are sought.
There are so many lies, distortions and insults on this forum that (as it applies to my circumstances) it is very hard for me to see how what is being written is constructive, or in any way beneficial to the continued shared interest of parenting young children.
I'm not interested in placing blame (there is plenty to go around on both sides in almost any divorce) and I don't have any qualms about owning up to my own failures, they are, as with any other human being, profound. I'm just trying to move forward with life and put the hate, anger and childish insults on the back burner, these type of exchanges don't help anybody and they don't have anything to do with co-parenting.
and, that my friends, is my stbxh. I believe he only read this thread and not the months and months of threads where I spent everyone ounce of my being trying to find a way to fix my marriage with your help. A marriage that only I was working to repair, to salvage.
I've never claimed to be perfect, but I stand behind what I said. I didn't cheat. I didn't walk away from my spouse. I didn't make my kids pay a price a parent shouldn't ever ask a child to pay outside of abuse or addiction. Heck, I was even willing to overcome the cheating. But I was married to someone to whom marriage, vows and children only mattered for better, not worse. For good times, not bad.
What this site is most guilty of is providing a source of hope when apparently there isn't.
And he did wish divorce upon someone. Me and our kids.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
I met you early on.... I know that you wanted the marriage to work, and you were willing to do it. And now you are hurting because it didn't work. It's not shocking that you sound angry. And, it's not surprising that your H is angry. His perceptions and yours are not the same. I hope both of you can move past it, you two need to get along, for the kids!
It's never too late for someone to step up and own his part of "wrong doings" and his mistakes. It is never too late to just say "I am sorry, I f@cked up, was too weak, too selfish, too immature to stand for our family and marriage" and show remorse with actions even after a divorce. Maybe a gesture like that would take the anger away and open up communication channels that will help co-parenting. But IMO what it would really do, would be to justify the years together. It is really bad to look at your "ex other half" and wonder "who the h$ll is this guy? Where are all the good qualities I saw in him, once". It's pretty easy to judge someone for being bitter and angry and even unfair (rightly so if you ask me but who cares what I think)when this someone was the one forced to accept YOUR life changing decision and used this board to vent and complaint and try to understand why all this happened thinking it is a safe place to do so. Trying to look superior when you caused the mess and asking from the other "involved parties" to do the same, is ... easy (to say the least). cw68, keep walking... Love K
Just an update... divorce will be final next month. stbxH & OW were going to buy me out of the house, but told me today that they are probably going to back out of that (it's been in the works since October and was going to be final next week). Why? Because a few days ago OW's exhusband called me and the [censored] hit the fan.
He's a pedophile (first hooked up with sbtx's OW when she was 16 and he was 48), has kind of been stalking her (claims to me, which he recanted to stbx, that he's watched them have sex), hired a PI to follow them and just lost his job. So this pedophile has been watching my kids (including D7)? OW brought her to a custody exchange with a volatile pervert?
I want my kids protected. Throughout the day I tried to call stbx and he sent my calls to igonore. Emailed him that there was something disturbing going on, something potentially dangerous to our kids and to call me. He replied with a few emails, to which I replied "Call me." He didn't. Told him I was just about to take steps to protect our kids. I picked them up on a night that he was supposed to have them, but I wasn't breaking any laws because we have not filed any custody papers. I left him messages telling him what I was doing, why I was doing it and to call me. Of course, he didn't listen to them and called me "Where the FCK is S6?" I asked if he had listened to my messages. "No, I don't need to. I'm calling the cops." threatening me, mad as hell, until I got him to stop and to listen to me. The one small piece of credit he deserves is that he right then, right there, apologized and said that was his bad.
However, in the end, OW won't file a restraining order on crazy ex. (Whom I do feel badly for and don't think he's a physical threat to my kids. But i don't want him taping/watching them in any way, shape or form. nor do I want them to ever be around him.) For me to do so would take some money and a lot of time. stbx apparently wants to file a restraining order on the PI that was hired and has drawn up the papers to file a restraining order on crazy ex in case he does need to file at some point.
stbx was supposed to have the house swept for surveillance equipment today before the kids could return to the house (or have a restraining order filed against crazy ex, that was my attorney's suggested protection for the kids) and I was told that he did, though he never produced the proof promised. Big surprise. I didn't want to go over there and pull the kids from him and upset them (they knew nothing weird was going on yesterday, thought Dad just had to work late). I get them tomorrow.
In addition to all the above, OW's ex told me he first heard about my stbx in 2005. Yep, 2005. Apparently he put a flirty note on her windshield. stbx said it said, "thanks for cleaning my teeth. I'm now flossing daily." and asked me, "haven't you ever sent a thank you note before?" Me, "Yes, but never to my dental hygienist or other person to whom I paid for a service and never on the windshield of a car."
AND crazy ex faxed me seven months worth of phone logs proving (frighteningly detailed, breaking down each month's contact and number of text) that they have, in fact, been an item at least from Jan 2008 though he swore to me he had no contact with her from Nov 07 until June 08. Even tried to keep playing things off after I faxed him a small snippet of a log from the week he moved out. "Yes, you got me, we were in phone contact." Finally, though, he did admit to it, but still insists they never had sex pre April 08, which was our last intimate contact. (For the record, I don't believe him.)
I sent OW an email today (3rd one ever, the first two being in Nov 2007) telling her my thoughts on a few things and that I hope she never hurt my kids because crazy ex claimed she made him choose between his daughter and her and that she complained all the time about him paying support to his wife from the marriage she played a part in breaking up. (For the record, I don't believe evertyhing crazy ex said, but he said enough truths to make me wonder what were and weren't true.) stbx replies to that email that was forwarded to him asking me to stop the dramatics because he feels he's reading from the script of a soap opera.
Like I did this? I chose the crazy? Not! I step away from the crazy.
Whew. What an update.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
I was wondering what the hell was going on when I saw your posts on FB.
That just sucks. What a sick twisted situation you find yourself in. I know you said you feel badly for this guy but I agree you need to protect your children. If he is that OCD about tracking your STBX and OWs phone records, he is a meticulous, plotting SOB. So it is good to be careful.
So glad you are taking actions. If stbx doesn't like it, tough. You are a mom looking out for her kids.
And the whole lying thing in re. to OW is oh so familiar. Why lie if you want(ed) out? You guys are divorced, right? So what does it hurt him to just own up to it now? I will never understand these men....
CW - I am so sorry to hear about 2 marriages being ended. It is hard to filter out the truth from the lies. You will be better off once this soap opera is over.
