NW, Thanks so much for your kind words - I keep getting wonderful and useful PMA reminders from you - and the attitude is finally settling into being something that I just believe in and accept - and not a face I have to put on...that's been making a tremendous difference.
Veronica, I'm doing well. You're right that I've been trying to process a lot in these last few days - and I think that intense pain I felt early in the week yielded a lot of good information. I know now, without any doubt, that my pain, the tightness in my chest, the sorrow that hovers over me and seizes me in the mornings - these are mine - they come from me - and I was making a mistake in attributing that pain to B or our M. Yes, our M is on the brink of ending - and I am learning to accept that as just how things will be - if anything turns, that's fine - and I'll accept that as well - though both scenarios require a lot of work on my part...and, if there is any sort of reconciliation, on B's part as well.
I am at the point right now where I can see all these unwanted changes as necessary - and am also confident that I can turn these changes into motivators and tools to help me rebuild and achieve much more than I have up to this point - not just financially - but as a person.
There have been many times that I've felt like I've been in a holding pattern for the last few years - and I've often thought that something just needed to happen to trigger that leap into the next phase of my life. Of course, I thought that trigger would happen within the existing pattern of my life - W, kids, job, etc - but, as it turns out, this crisis is giving me the opportunity to evaluate my life - and change things - in a way that I don't think I ever would have if it hadn't happened.
I was not happy with my work - with many of my choices of these last few years - and that discontent was deflating me - distracting me - now that I have no choice but to focus on rebuilding my life I can see many, many of the parts of my life that are in disrepair - and I can find ways to work on them. Do I still love B? Yes...at least I think so...but when I see her now, I just see a person...I don't see my wife...just a person who lives a separate life and who doesn't need me in her life. That's fine - and I can accept that - and even welcome it in a strange way - since I am being given a vast amount of freedom to improve myself - and if I don't use this time and this opportunity to do so, than, than I will truly have failed myself.
This crisis is the true test of my willingness to improve myself and my life. This crisis is the horribly rich moment that could help me establish the foundation for a much better, more enriched and enriching life. I will have more pain and more obstacles - and I know that this process will throw me down again - but in moments like these, with the kind of calm clarity I am feeling, my mind doesn't wander toward the sources of my sorrow - rather I get distracted in a wonderful way by the thoughts of my aspirations - since, though much else has fallen apart, the aspirations remain intact...and my work toward those aspirations is something that I can control and change.
So I'm doing well. I have my baby boy home with me today - since B called this morning and told me he wasn't feeling well - so he's next to me, relaxing and watching Sesame street - while I write and try to get more work done. Hopefully he'll feel better soon - but he does have a troublesome little cough. He's very cuddly right now, though, and that just warms my heart like nothing else...
