Not sure how much medicating you've been doing, but given the history, any drinking is probably a less than stellar idea right now. I assume you realize this now.
Yes I do. Crystal clear.
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As for friends, I know many have posted here over the past year urging you to get out and form a social circle of some kind. I get that this might be tough for you, but you have got to do this is some way, shape, or form.
I get this, but you know what? I just can't do it. The anxiety I feel when I think of it overwhelms me.
What sucks is that I USED to be a desired public speaker once upon a time. Now I live in anxiety. WTF? I'm still 'me'. But I'm not.
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You know doggoned well that this site is MORE than just busting divorces. Especially for those of us who have been here for awhile. I sure hope it's not true that no one here can help you. That would be really sad.
You're right. I'm just not able to fix me alone. I need friends right now. I don't have them.
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It's good that you were able to come clean so to speak. Now we know. Now we can help from a position of knowledge. And if we can't be straight with each other here on this relatively anonymous board, what chance do we have of being honest with a real person in our lives?
'Straight?' doesn't include abuse. No. Everyone says how many people I have 'helped' over the years and I'm proud of that. Really.
I am glad so many people heard my words and were able to fix their lives.
I'm a 'fixer'. I can see others issues and give them insight. I am intuitive.
My life is not quite the same. I NEED personal support. I've never asked for it because I have never believed anyone else gave a sh*t about me.
I've gone through too much pain and abandonment this past year. things I was not built to withstand. I'm a survivor, but this is not what I was built to survive.
Still, I'm alone. AmyC was pretty clear about that 'get your sh&&t together'. She's right, that's what 'men' do.
[quote]Yeah, it sucks. It also is what it is. And you are definitely man enough to navigate your way through it. quote] eventually
As I see it, I'm alone, the DB board is ok, but it won't save me. Nobody will. I don't 'practice what I preach'. so shame on me.
I'm off the board. This is not helping me or those who 'depend' on me to believe in their own success.
I need a friend.
My kids need Dad.
I can do one of those things.
Ian called me tonight. I made him promise to call me earlier tomorrow so we could talk before I was depressed.
I have one friend. Not local but at least he cares.
For those who might question this: I'm not suicidal. I've run the 'numbers' and even if I was gone, and W was 'debt free', my girls would still live at the poverty level.
W can't support a dog, let alone our girls. I will simply not allow this to happen. Never.
I just hate what I have to go through to make it work.
Frank, I know you are hurting right now and I am so very sorry about that. I don't think there is one person here on these boards that has not felt the pain you are feeling. But, Frank, you are mistaken when you say you don't have any friends. Sure, we may not be there with you in person, but we are HERE with you. And, more than anything, we want to help you! We want to help you through this difficult time. We all know you can get through this. The occasional 2X4's have not been to hurt you...they have been to help you. To help you see things from a different perspective. Sometimes when we are in the middle of a crisis, it is hard for us to see what is right in front of us...to see what others on the outside are able to see.
You said you USED to be a desired public speaker. What happened? What changed? Why the anxiety? Don't you see, Frank, you can be anything you want to be...you just have to believe in yourself! We all see the potential that you have! Yes, you made some mistakes, who hasn't? But, as my son likes to say, mistakes are learning experiences. You see them for what they are and you learn from them.
When my exH first left me, I thought I was going to die...seriously. I cannot tell you how many times I literally fell on the floor sobbing violently. I was a mess. But, you know what, Frank, I got through that. I survived! And you will, too! I got through my difficult time by leaning on my faith. I learned to trust myself and I learned to trust my God. And, HE has not let me down...not once!
I don't want to preach to you, Frank. Friends are nice....they are great! But, if you have any beliefs at all in God, now is the time to lean on HIM. Pray like you have NEVER prayed before. Spend EVERY moment you have talking to HIM and praying to HIM. Get angry. Yell and scream at HIM if you need to...HE can handle it. Tell HIM your wants and desires. But, know that that doesn't mean you are going to get them all because only HE knows what is truly best for you...only HE knows what is waiting for you.
I am glad that you have Ian...he's a great person! But, you are mistaken if you think he is your ONLY friend.
I was so sad just now when I read your response to Bworl and your final comment was "Leave me alone". Please, tell me...was that directed at him or at all of us? You are so wrong if you think no one gives a sh$t about you!
Frank, you know I dealt with the alcohol issues in my past marriage. My children dealt with it, too. It only hurts, Frank, it does NOT help! You're right....your children need a dad...and that is YOU!
Now, I have to go to bed...I have to go to work in the morning. I will be saying a prayer for you, Frank. I'm sorry if my post has offended you, but when I read your response to Bworl, I could not not post to you. I don't want to see you leave the boards, but no matter what you decide, I wish for you nothing but the best.
My brother tried AA and thought it was a worthless. I have read that their success rate is not good (LostPhil scolded me when I said this before). I believe you can stop the drinking on your own now that you know how much it means to your daughters.
Have you tried looking on meetup.com for anything that might spark your interest?
Check out your local small college to see if they have any activities.
Have patience, you may not find a friend right away, but if you get out you are bound to find someone.
You said you USED to be a desired public speaker. What happened? What changed? Why the anxiety?
I became ashamed of the lies I was forced to tell for the 'new' company I sold mine to.
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Don't you see, Frank, you can be anything you want to be...you just have to believe in yourself! We all see the potential that you have! Yes, you made some mistakes, who hasn't? But, as my son likes to say, mistakes are learning experiences. You see them for what they are and you learn from them.
You don't know me, maybe I am a liar. Maybe I am a cheater. Maybe I am a bad dad. You want me to be someone who is awesome, so it validates everyones view of me. Maybe I don't deserve that.
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When my exH first left me, I thought I was going to die...seriously. I cannot tell you how many times I literally fell on the floor sobbing violently. I was a mess. But, you know what, Frank, I got through that. I survived! And you will, too! I got through my difficult time by leaning on my faith. I learned to trust myself and I learned to trust my God. And, HE has not let me down...not once!
I understand that. You are a believer. Your life worked out because of that.
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I don't want to preach to you, Frank. Friends are nice....they are great! But, if you have any beliefs at all in God, now is the time to lean on HIM. Pray like you have NEVER prayed before. Spend EVERY moment you have talking to HIM and praying to HIM. Get angry. Yell and scream at HIM if you need to...HE can handle it. Tell HIM your wants and desires. But, know that that doesn't mean you are going to get them all because only HE knows what is truly best for you...only HE knows what is waiting for you.
You aren't preaching. I'm just challenged by your ideas. I've always been living my life KNOWING that there is nobody who will help me. Ever. That is who I am.
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I was so sad just now when I read your response to Bworl and your final comment was "Leave me alone". Please, tell me...was that directed at him or at all of us? You are so wrong if you think no one gives a sh$t about you!
All of you. Not Bill. He's a good man.
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Frank, you know I dealt with the alcohol issues in my past marriage. My children dealt with it, too. It only hurts, Frank, it does NOT help! You're right....your children need a dad...and that is YOU!
Yeah, and it sucks that it took this long to get me to see it. I get it now. Probably to late.
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Now, I have to go to bed...I have to go to work in the morning. I will be saying a prayer for you, Frank. I'm sorry if my post has offended you, but when I read your response to Bworl, I could not not post to you. I don't want to see you leave the boards, but no matter what you decide, I wish for you nothing but the best. deb
Thanks for the prayer. I am too much of a hypocrit to stay here. I don't help anyone and I don't help myself.
I don't have any local friends. I'm pretty much a 'giver' and get nothing back in return.
So, bye for now. Don't take me personally. The sad part is that if I was dead, my daughters would be in poverty. Their mother could never keep them in a good home like I could.
so, I talked to one of my guys tonight. The ones I talk to to lift up.
Gave him some positives. Lifted him up,
I'm so done with this.
And would it be so wrong to tell one of your guys that you are sucked dry right now and need support?
That for now you need someone to be there for you?
Or is that one of those Alpha male no-no's
Seriously Frank, many of us have had to overcome obstacles and get our act together. You are not the only one.
Some of us saw a therapist. Some of us took meds.
If you have anxiety, take Klonopin. It works wonders.
I guess it also has something to do with how badly you really want to change, or if you are just paying lip service.
For me personally, when my Husband left I had a complete breakdown and had to get help. The only reason I didn't commit suicide was because of my children.
Every day was a struggle because I couldn't cope. I wavered in between pride by not letting anyone know that I couldn't handle this, and becoming totally needy and driving everyone away.
Thankfully, this didn't last too long, but it was a personal choice I made, that I wouldn't let this get the best of me, and I would survive and be a better version of myself.
I honestly don't know too much about alcoholics but I do have friends that are married to them. It seems that the common theme that my friends tell me is that they wish that their Husbands would talk to them about their issues BEFORE picking up the bottle and drowing them out.
Have you ever talked to David? He has been sober for a long time. He has not picked up a single drink since receiving the bomb about 3 years ago. Instead he received Christ.
Frank I don't know what to tell you. I feel sorry for you because you are almost in the same place mentally as you were when you first started posting.
Nothing has changed.
You are still posting the same stuff.
I think it is time to make some real changes in your life, not post about make believe ones in cyber space.
Do you have health insurance? Maybe you need to go away to a rehab place for a while and get your act together. They can help you with the depression and anxiety.
Set goals, and do them.
Take it one day at a time........
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I've always been living my life KNOWING that there is nobody who will help me. Ever. That is who I am.
At first this angered me...after all that has been written here to try to help you? Then after a brief moment of reflection and prayer....I felt unspeakable JOY! Why? Because maybe, dear precious FRIEND Frank, you have FINALLY gotten to the EXACT place God wants you to be! A place most (all?) of us must go.....to the END OF OURSELVES! I know I reached a place where I KNEW that what you said above is true....there is no human on the face of this earth that will be there for you forever and always! Your W is down the street....at some point your kids will have their own lives and you will not be a part of it daily....and, well-meaning intentions aside, your friends on this board may not forever be here when you need us.....but there is ONE who will never fail you! It is when we come to this place....the END OF OURSELVES...and realize that there is one greater than any of us....that we become most useful to others....and fulfilled in the deepest sense of the word!
If you are not ready to acknowledge that, I ask that you simply take the advice of our other dear FRIENDS here who have asked you to at least take one step in the right direction....whether that is AA....or calling one of "your guys" and telling them "Today...I need you to help ME".
I will ask you to PLEASE STAY HERE! Frank, you helped ME tremendously in my darkest days....and my W and I find ourselves in a better place for having been able to call you a FRIEND. Know that we all come here because WE CARE ABOUT YOU!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
it is OK to still have pain over this. I do. Many here do. It is normal. Don't bury it..feel it...embrace it....process the pain.
DC talks about the power of positive thinking. a)I don't like AA and I'm not a dry drunk b) my daughters need me. ONE of us has to be stable and steady. I WILL stop drinking
Do ONE thing today....get out of the house...and go start ONE thing. Register..sign up...call...introduce....request...inquire...ONE THING!!!!
I am convinced that one of your problems is that your job keeps you glued in place. You are surrounded by negative cues. New surroundings..new faces...make ALL the difference in the world.
Know something frank...I have NEVER made this rec to anyone but perhaps checking into match.com, meetup.com, etc, would be helpful. Even ANYTHING..just to see what's out there.
frank....I know that YOU KNOW that I don't have to say this...but...PLEASE..those girls of yours....I MISSED messages along MY path with my W....I know you haven't missed the one from your daughter. Attend to it. I know you will. Please get this if you haven't already: What a Difference a Daddy Makes: The Indelible Imprint a Dad Leaves on His Daughter's Life
Finally frank....the guy down the street is a dorkelhose. He cheats with married women. He does it in full view of her husband. Your wife chose this guy. She doesn't have the integrity to manage things first and do this later.
Let it go. It's time to let this go. When I whined to my atty on the phone when my W brought up possibly going to the Bahamas..and the possibility of OM down there...she said, "FIB...you're getting divorced..there are going to be OM's."
Let it go frank. This is his problem. Your W will be with another guy behind dorkelhose's back soon enough. Don't worry about. Read DC's response to me on my thread.
Start from scratch. Close the door. Toss out the bottle. Forget about dorkelhose...he's going to get his.
Start your new life today. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
