The unfaithful wife...that's me..

[Mellenmack]

No, J, I completely agree with you. I told him a long time ago (October or November, maybe December, can't remember) that I wanted the M to work (work being the key word). That I wanted a marriage and a partnership, not what we had. If we always do what we always did, we'll always get what we always got. I believe that. So when he would ask about why should this time be different, I told him, "Why would you want the same marriage?" Well, duh, cause he wants to control me and I want to control his drinking.

I won't go back to the way things were. I know that for sure. This may be another kink in his plan. He knows I won't go back to what it was. I won't go back to the drinking and feeling like what I want doesn't matter and that I have to play along with his "lead role" in our lives. So if he wants a different marriage, a better marriage, a partnership, then yes, by all means, I am willing to try again. But if not, then I have no trouble moving forward alone. I hate it, because I think it could be a good marriage. But if he won't try then it doesn't really matter. That's the brain talking. All the heart does is cry. Stupid heart. lol.

Positives things he has done for me:
1. He never made or expected me to work. I was free to stay home with the kids if I wanted a break or when I had D4 or when we moved. A lot of women don't have that luxury. Many of them just can't afford it, and others have an H who expects them to work. I enjoy working, but I have also appreciated the times to stay with the kids especially when they were little.
2. He never told me I couldn't do something. He encouraged me going to school, although he did at times make things a little difficult to go because he couldn't always take care of the kids when I needed him to.
3. He never told me how to spend or not spend money. We didn't have an overabundance, but we always had enough that I didn't really want for anything. Of course, neither did he.
4. For the last 3 years he has helped around the house more and spent more time at home.

Not so great things:
1. He did drink the first 10 years away. He puked down the side of the bed. He cr@pped on the floor when he was puking so hard. He left it for me to find the next day. When I went to visit him in Germany for a week, he puked all over the bathroom he shared with the guy next door so bad that the dude was really po'd. Don't blame the dude at all. I didn't go in there, but I imagine it was a total mess. He told me he hadn't been that drunk the whole time he'd been there prior to my arrival. In my mind, it was one more round of "he has to drink to be able to put up with me."
2. he resents having the kids. he loves them dearly, but he wasn't ready for either one of them.
3. he expects me to just accept any military move he wants to make or not make. he was ready to leave minot, put in for a career change and got it. we got here and he wants to stay, so we have. it's not up to me to put in for orders or we'd have been gone years ago. i loved our time overseas and he hated it. he refuses to even consider going back.
4. he is spoiled. his parents gave him everything he ever wanted growing up. if he was into skateboarding, he got the best board, the best ramp, the best pads, the best of the whole deal. in my family, for christmas or birthdays, we got a few requests, but certainly not lock, stock, and barrel. he is one of these "entitled" people.
5. his parents spent a lot of time having drinking parties while he was little. the boys remember having the parties when they were younger and everyone being there. they don't see anything wrong with it.
6. he started looking for a new truck before he left last fall (2007). said he realized how much money he could save if he went from gas to diesel....and i was like really? have you checked the price of diesel?? "but it gets better gas mileage". yeah, but you have 17 inch tires and a 4 inch lift on that truck. you'd prolly get better mileage if you'd put it back to factory. "no, it's not that much of a difference."
7. i looked and looked for a new suv for me to upgrade to from my dodge neon. decided on hyundai santa fe. looked for "the one" for six months. he wasn't the least bit interested in it when i found it. so I took D4 who was then 4 months old, friend across the street, her D, who was 1 at the time, down to the dealership 1.5 hours away and did it all myself. I am resentful of that.
8. chooses irresponsible friends, just like him. has a few "normal" friends, but most are "entitled" just like him, his brother included.

i'm giving up now. it's late and i'm tired. drained actually.

he finally texts that he is sorry for yelling and that he is sorry for the drinking. he thinks that since he quit, all the damage should just be fixed and gone. except that he has started drinking again, although possibly not as much as before, and it's only time til the mess prolly starts again. make that one number 9 that he has started drinking again.

i just told him that i am sorry, too, but that i need the separation, that it's not fair to either of us. i can't help but have hope, and then i get upset when it's not true and then we argue again. it's a cycle. he understood better then.

we'll see if he goes to counseling or not.

mel