Only look forward

[25yearsmlc]

Frank,

Couple things. The dinner with your d17 for her 18th is a must. Suck it up for a meal and a nice gift, even if it's all paid for by you, as it is also a must. She's turning 18 and it is a big deal and only happens once. And she is hurting and has expressed that pain to you. That's huge. 3 years ago our d19 told her dad how she felt, and cried as they took a 2 hour walk, and she asked him to stay and "how can you leave me/us now?" and h didn't change his mind. She was crushed and still is. She has brought up that discussion (from 3 years ago) with me many times, including the past week. It matters a lot to them. So, when your ds mention the drinking, it means they want you to stop.

The drinking is very likely a problem you need to deal with. People in your life think it is. So it is. Sorry, but that's how it is with these things and I speak from two perspectives, as you know; both the adult child of an alcoholic (I hate the labels but they do save time) and someone who became dependent/addicted to pain pills after back surgery. Although my experience was over a decade ago, it still counts as one of the most significant events of my life. We've discussed this and can again if you like. I know how hard it is. Kids take parent's drinking personally. Period.
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Growing up, I had a brilliant, well educated father who functioned extremely well at work. His job was extremely stressful, and due to his nature as a public official and the nature of the work itself, he could not discuss his work with us. I'm sure that increased his stress. I'm one of nine children born in 12 years too. Um, yeah, that's stressful. My mom was obviously a sahm and there were financial issues too. So Dad had lots of stress and no tools for venting or coping that felt safe to him, due to his work and his own issues. Like you, dad had some childhood baggage not of his own making. His Mother died giving birth, he had a truly mean step-mother, and he had epilepsy at a time when it was called a "mental defect" so he was always treated weirdly growing up. Yet he was actually highly intelligent, got a bachelor's degree, a master's, a PhD and a law degree. He was not mentally deficient. But he had no effective tools for dealing with stress and inner pain, and he didn't get them. So he drank. A lot. (But Only at night, and sometimes he'd quit for a few weeks or months. Just to prove he could....)

He was not "the life of the party" when he drank. If we were lucky, he was goofy or morose. If not, he was violent and enraged. He was irrational and abusive when he drank, and almost always "forgot" what he did the next day. So there were never any apologies or even acknowledgments that something had happened the night before. This makes for poor conflict resolution. And we never saw or learned what forgiveness looked like. How could we? Seemed it was "acting as if nothing happened"...

When he quit drinking, some things changed for the better. But a lot did not. He still lacked the ability to apologize for his actions, or to take responsibility for the marriage problems, or the R issues we all had with him. He still had a really hard time relaxing or being fun or having fun. When he finally went to AA, he changed. I got some of my dad back, the dad I had when I was 9 years old who played with me, read books to me and took me places. That dad.

When he got to the "make amends" and "taking the moral inventory of his life" he got stuck. (The word "stuck" is a word you use often, btw...) couldn't do it for reasons discussed later.

Eventually we built a R that began to get pretty good when I was in my late 20's. We became fairly close. I went to him for career advice during a cross roads of mine. He helped me a lot then, and he watched me do my biggest court argument (went to the Supreme Court, best lawyering I ever did and he helped prep me for the oral argument....) Few months later he said he felt sick and went to the doctor. He had liver cancer and died in 59 days. I miss him.

I wish he had let the 12 step program help him more. But back then, the hardest steps were too much. To really face the consequences of the pain he had caused to those who loved him was too painful for him. And scary, b/c inwardly his childhood was so insufficiently nourishing to him psychologically, that he may have feared down deep, that he really was as worthless, unlovable & bad as his stepmom said and therefore, facing his faults was too frightening. He didn't really know that down deep, he was a good man who tried to live well, who simply didn't know how. Lots of strikes against him not of his own making...I think you might relate to some of this Frank. Not all. Some. Is going to AA really such a bad idea? If the girls think you are an alcoholic, isn't it better to be a "recovering alcoholic" than an actively drinking one? I have been to meetings where the others there weren't as smart as me, or as financially successful or as good a parent or as educated and had either never had a good thing in their lives or had lost it all, and blah blah blah SEE?? I don't have a problem b/c I haven't gotten THAT bad... so the question becomes, how bad does it have to get?

Couple other things...
Your d's have sent you a few red flares. Answer them. And you are giving your w some ammunition. Why? I mean, if nothing else, don't drink around your d's.

Also, your work is isolating you, so is there something you can do that alleviates that? Are there people who "get" what you do and could help youwith it, or can you teach what you do? Somehow finding a professional outlet seems like a good idea too.

You say you are financially responsible for your w but think about it, that isn't really true is it? I mean, she didn't make much money before, and she is willing to take zero alimony or support from you, and the girls live with you...so how are you exactly financially supporting her? Won't that sitch improve with a D? I am not saying to file or surrender to the Div, but financially speaking she is not trying to take you to the cleaners. You seemed hurt more by that. It seemed to me, (and could just be my impression) that it hurt you more b/c you saw it as her wanting so badly to get out of the M, that she'd take nothing just to get out of it.

I can understand that feeling but it doesn't strike me as fully accurate. And besides, it does beat her being financially vindictive, and she isn't taking the girls away, so....

I know you don't want to hear that "the glass is half full" speech. I'm just trying to give you a little reality check, okay? You are a good man trying to love and be loved. You are a dad and a friend and a businessman and an expert in your field. You are in pain now. But her (apparent) rejection of you does not mean you are not lovable or worth loving. First off, why is this all about you? What if it has very little to do with you? I no longer believe h's mlc and "A" with Alaska had much to do with me. Moving 4000 miles away from me and the kids was about him, not me or our daughters. So, let's get back to GAL and if that includes AA, so what?

for now, that's all I got.
j-