The unfaithful wife...that's me..

[25yearsmlc]

OMG, he's got some definite buttons on him, and he sure does hunt for yours! Man, can't believe him, he is relentless. I think your approach is working to some extent. He isn't indifferent, that's for sure. And he DID "cool off", after you hung up I guess. I see his behavior as his way of pursuing you, but in a way that doesn't "cost" him any risk; it more or less just keeps you on a string, if it works. But it didn't work with you this time.

Tell me now, You told him what you wanted; i.e., contact only re: d4, correct?

And this is what he does in response? Says you are a b---- and that He wants to "be friends" but that means...what? That "friendship" is more or less all on his terms, correct? Or do I have the details right?

He wants to jerk your chain really badly. And I think he's doing a lot of testing...and you are doing well. On the whole, he knows you're changing, and going into a direction that may not include him, b/c it's healthy and you don't want the toxicity of the present R (or past one either) anymore. He doesn't know if he can interact in a healthy way. What was it like when it was good with you two?

Does that R/M with him still seem reachable? Do you now see things more clearly?

Good and bad...Not saying that seeing it badly is necessarily a clearer picture, okay? I just don't hear a lot of things from you about how the past M with him was good....and more importantly, (and this may not apply to you so don't assume it does, I'm just observing...)

I'm surprised at how many LBSers say when they really sit down and think about it, they see the big flaws in the M and WAS that they didn't notice or accept before. When the crisis first starts, and the WAS left, a lot of denial happens about the past M, for we believe we miss them, and we try hard to hold onto the WAS only to later realize, that as they are now, we don't actually want them at all. Nor was our M what we hoped. We just don't want to be alone, or to be the one left behind, or to accept that the spouse we are m to now, isn't desirable to us at all....and where does that leave us?

Just throwing stuff out. But you have enough to deal with due to your "hyperactive communicator", and as for the counselling appointment--Marriage Counselling? OMG I PRAY he goes to the appointment and tells "all your sins" (please God, please...) but why does he even go if he doesn't want to be M? Is it b/c he says it's for the d4? Or to prove he did try at the M, or what? I'm not clear on that. Need details on that stuff.

He sooo wants to suck you into the drama of it all but I have to ask one thing.

WHY did you allow the conversation to go on and on? Pointless, destructive, etc.

You could say "I already apologized for my mistakes and if I could do it all over again, I'd do some things differently. But I don't recall the M the same way you do, and we'll just have to agree to disagree...have to go now, good bye" AND HANG UP... write it down if it's too long. A shorter answer is "this isn't productive. Call me when you aren't angry" and see if that ever happens. Going over the blame game is useless and destructive and does not help you raise your child together. So, what's the point? (Maybe you can say that to him.)

Stay calm at all times with him and he will be sooo lost and confused...seriously. This way you can keep the focus on d4, and the R you have with h is based on that only, for now. So what else is there to discuss?

((For now that is. And who knows? I think that if you ever get back together, it'll be based on your common interests in d4 and it'll be calmly, slowly rebuilt. You'll have to do this rebuilding anyhow, unless you always want to have a verbally violent R with him. That'd be crazy.))

What do others say about that response? Some type of firm, courteous, mature BUT brief DB response. Keep it short, I know that much about your h. The more you talk with him about R, the more circular it becomes and you get NOWHERE - but it hurts to do the loop de loop...he is just too angry and his anger prevents him from doing the real searching, which is within. I read somewhere that our "real journey on earth is an inward one..." and I believe that. Your h is just not ready for anything like that now. And really, isn't that mandatory for your M?

You spoke of not knowing what to say when you want to build a good R with him...but, Setting and enforcing boundaries with him, does not hurt the R/M in the long run. I think it's the opposite. But it does make waves. It's change. That isn't a smooth thing. The "smoother" thing (for him) would be for you to continue kissing his a-- and feeling like crap, endlessly doing penance for your sins AND his, and him not having to do or change a thing, except to maybe "sin" more, since he has a "get out of jail free" card he holds over your head. Throwing it in your face when you dare make a normal wife request...but now you're changing the rules. You don't want to be sucked into his crazy world of victimhood and the 'blame you' for all problems, loop.

So...what is he to do now? Stew and fester and fume, and maybe see ow more, hurt you more, or what? Oh, wait, I know. He could maybe try to grow up...the only thing on your end there, is to stop enabling him to dump all the M problems on you. Don't allow it.

And really now, if he doesn't grow up soon, & do some soul searching like you have, do you really see a M with him anyhow?

(( j ))