Detachment, Pop-Tarts, and Hope

[LolaL]

Thinking...we have all been there. I WISH I could take back the number of times I begged, pleaded, accused, and broke every DB rule.

But we are only human, and now I can look back and laugh at myself. You fell off the wagon, get back on!!! (((Hugs)))

[Jack_Three_Beans]

TIT...hrnmmm that doesn't work well. Thinking...much better, so Thinking,

Are you going to be ok if it is not just an EA?

[ThinkingItThru]

At this moment in time I think I would be OK no matter what happens. After my little breakdown on Wednesday night, I kind of had a break through and I think I moved another month down the road of detachment.

I've been reading a book called BROKEN OPEN by Elizabeth Lesser where she talks about listening to God/spirit/soul to follow our life path and that sometimes the crisis point reveals what we're supposed to do if we pay attention.

I've been focusing on paying attention and not trying to get back what I had. As I mentioned to Mach, given my new attitude, I'm trying to figure out how my H might fit into my journey and not so much how I might try to get back into his life.

God has a plan.

[ThinkingItThru]

Oh, I know there are a lot of Christians on this forum, but I actually lean more towards Buddhism. So when I say God has a plan, I just want to clarify that I'm not being exclusive with that.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Don't worry about it, no one here should be blasting anyone for their Faith or lack of.

[sandycay]

TIT.. It's funny how you get to that point where you know it's better not to say anything. During one of my H's and I conversation I was telling him " I'll be here until my heart goes somewhere else", and he replied, "that's what happened to me". OUCH that one hurt and I I learned real quick from that lesson to stop opening my mouth about anything to do with her, our relationship, or how crappy the kids where doing.

It's a strange thing how little things like that will make you see red. My red moment was when I found out she went on our boat while she was in town one time.....Good thing i found out later because I might have pulled the plug...it's the only thing she contaminated that I kept besides H. lol

[ThinkingItThru]

Sandy, OMG, thats almost an exact line from a conversation I had with my H. I had asked him if he had any intentions of returning to our R in the future because I was going to start looking at all my opportunities instead of filtering opportunities based upon being in a committed R. He commented that it seemed like I already had some "opportunities" in mind. I assured him that I didn't have anything specific, but that I would be with him until I wasn't. This was REALLY early on.

Its kind of scary, as my H is returning this evening after being gone for almost a week, I am not exactly dreading his return, but it has been very peaceful just being here without him. I'm afraid that the detachment I have searched for to end the emotional suffering is leading me to feel exactly like he says he does. Something to discuss with C on Monday. I'm sure this is a completely normal reaction, but it makes me a little sad to realize I don't feel the same.

[ThinkingItThru]

Little journaling here:

H got home last night. He seemed really cranky. I asked him how his trip was and if he learned anything. I got an itinerary of the extracurriculars. Interesting since he went for a seminar. I just told him, "that sounds fun". Absolutely nothing else...nothing else.

I asked him if he wanted to go to the gym with me this morning and he did come with.

He got me a souvenir at the airport, but left it on the plane.

He pretty much disappeared to the basement when we got back home. Haven't really seen him since.

I guess its pretty normal for where I'm at, but I sometime feel a little ticked off by all of this. I'm getting really tired of being taken for granted. In this R, I still get all of the responsibilities that go with it. I still cook, clean, do laundry, take out trash. Figure out how to pay bills, pay of debts, and save for college. And I still have to deal with live-in mother-in-law. But I don't get the good H. I get the cranky H. The "special friend" gets the good H. She gets to travel with him and do fun stuff.

Enough pity party...moving on.

Still haven't put my ring back on.

Looking forward to what the astrological, planetary movements will bring this week.

[ThinkingItThru]

Things aren't going to well here from a R aspect, but that's how I think it's meant to be.

[ThinkingItThru]

Hi all,

I'm making plans to take a roadtrip on my own to the beach. My uncle has a house there. The kids will be in school. H will be working. I think I'm just going to load up my doggie and drive south. A week with my books, my doggie, and a journal. I think this is just what I need.

I'm not real sure how I'm going to let H know that I'm going. I don't really think he'll react at all. I know that he's noticed that I'm not wearing my ring, but he hasn't said anything.