TxMom - how to get through the pain #3 post

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi {{TxMom}}. Thanks for sharing your conversation with your H. What I hear from that conversation is that your H doesn't see how his infidelity could be 'undone', that is why he doesn't see a future for your M. He feels that he screwed up majorly and he has broken the trust that was the foundation of your M.

He is flip-flopping.

Now, {{TxMom}}, that is a good sign.

Don't believe me? My DB coach said that any emotion from H is good. The worst thing is indifference.

Is your H getting any counselling? My IC said that most men can't get over the fact that they have been unfaithful and that will cause them to give up on the M. Now, you can try to convince them otherwise but it might take a third party to convince them that infidelity is not the end of the road, that a lot of women can get over that if a recommitment is sincere.

You H has forced himself into a corner. He has taken up with another woman and is now thinking to himself that he has broken your M, that is no way back. Easier just to start with another woman and start afresh.

What he doesn't realize is that he is taking his issues, his baggage into the next relationship. Only now he has more baggage, i.e. financial problems, time with kids, single parenthood, a heavy, guilty conscience and you to deal with. His new R will be under a lot of strain. It might feel good to him during the 'honeymoon' period but after the infatuation dies down, he will feel worse than when he was with you.

Does that make sense?

So honey, hang in there. Let him declare to the world that your M won't work. Let all these comments roll off your back. Validate his feelings by telling him that you hear what he said. In your mind, you don't have to agree with him, OK? You just let him talk, validate his feelings. HIS FEELINGS will CHANGE, it will flip-flop. He once loved you, now not so much. So everything can change. It doesn't mean it won't change in the future. Don't take everything he says as gospel! We put our H on a pedestal. Don't do that anymore. He is a regular person, he can be wrong.

Your H will try his best to convince you that his feelings has changed forever. He will tell you that he doesn't see it working in the future. Why is he so vocal about it? Because he knows he is flip-flopping and he WANTS TO CONVINCE HIMSELF.

He wants to tell himself that he is doing THE RIGHT THING. People have a very strong strong to be right. People also have a strong desire to be seen as the GOOD GUY. Combine both of these together and you will understand why your H is acting the way he is. He is trying to convince you and himself that his choice to leave you is the best thing for both of you. That is why he wants to 'talk things through'.

So let him talk. Don't disagree with him, though. Validate, validate, validate. Your job now is not to convince him that his decision is wrong. THAT IS NOT DB. Your job now is to CONNECT WITH HIM.
He is not going to listen to logic. However, he will feel a connection if you try to bond. OK?