Hey WP - I feel for you - I know how hard that is. I've been divorced from my first wife for ten years - and I still get sad when I drop my S11 off with her - especially after spending a lot of time with him. Still...I'm finding more and more that as I get stronger - and happier - my son feels more at ease and happier as well. He's learning from me - not just by the things I say - but more from the things I do...like getting up and taking care of things...for example - last Monday - he just wanted to lounge around and do nothing - after two days of soccer games, I didn't blame him - but I also knew that being active would make him happier - so I asked him to help be do the dishes - he protested, but did it. Then I asked him to make the pancakes that morning - that was met with lots of moans and groans - but once the pancakes were made, and he was enjoying a tasty bite of a chocolate/banana masterpiece of his own making...he was just thrilled - and smiled all through breakfast.
So...as strange as this might sound...I urge you to let her go completely to the best of your ability - just put aside all those desires for what was, what could be, what could have been...no...don't put them aside - mourn them....feel that pain and let it out of you...the catharsis is essential - and the more you let go, the more room you'll have to take care of you - and to maintain positive energy around your kids....
I have that tightness in my chest right now...but it's not about B - the tightness is about what I have to do for me - about finding a new job (I spent three hours today working contacts, getting word out that I'm looking for work), finding a new place to live (that's on the agenda for this weekend and most of February (second to finding the new job), and writing more (which I started doing today as well). The pain in my chest isn't about my M or B...it's about me...and it's telling that there's something I still have to take care of in myself. The pain tells me that something isn't right in me - not her - and so I have to look at that pain carefully and make sure I am honest myself about where it comes from....
That's my work for now - honesty with me about me...not focusing on B's problems/issues/pain - since that's hers to confront (if she ever does) - and I can love her as she moves through it or doesn't - but loving her does not mean that I have to be with her - it also means that I will take care of myself first so that my love is healthy and sound - and giving as love should be....since if I take care of myself, heal my pain, address my issues and and honest about myself while I trust in my ability to get through this - then I will be able to offer love, a kind of love, that I've never been able to give anyone before...since I will finally love without needing/expecting anything in return - it will be a love that emanates outward...and, sometimes, when I reflect on my love...I see that it had qualities of a black hole...and that would never have lasted.
