Things have not been going well. I have been way way down since Christmas. Occasionally drinking. Not being the rock all the time.
Sunday is D17's birthday when she will be 18. She's been planning get togethers with her friends, her mom and moms best female friend, and with her boyfriend.
Last night her female friend canceled the dinner with the rest of the friends because they couldn't afford it due the the limo they all rented together for the Senior Ball costing twice what they had originally thought.
Her mom had to shorten the Saturday time together because she has to work to make more money.
Her boyfriend didn't have concrete plans for them to do something together.
So, she was crying and upset last night.
This morning when she was up she was in a bad mood. Being snippy to me and at one point I reacted to her and got angry. Then she goes into her own rage, telling me I don't care about her, or her birthday. I don't listen to her and I never talk to her so I don't 'know' her.
She left angry when her mother came to pick her up for school.
Later when she came home, she gave me a 3 page 'letter' she wrote 'for you and mom to read'.
Basically it outlines all of my shortcomings, how I refer to OM as 'douchbag' (which I have not done for weeks after she told me she didn't like that) and how I think OM is a jerk for chasing a married woman.
How she thinks I 'cracked' under the pressure during Christmas and drank 3-4 times. How I haven't gotten over W and how W doesn't consider herself married.
A lot of random ramblings but also a wake up call that MY needs and lack of care for myself are bleeding into her life. She understands the enormous financial and emotional pressure I am under but since she only sees her mother on visitation nights she thinks her mother 'has it together' better than I do.
She then went on to list what she wanted to do for her birthday.
We talked about all this stuff. And what it came down to is that she just wanted our family to be together for her birthday instead of her having to do separate things with everyone.
That and not feeling like I 'have it together' making her feel unsafe.
I get all that. So I called her mother and we agreed to go to dinner together to her favorite 'family' restaurant for her birthday on monday or tuesday.
STBX and I talked about how upset D17 was about all this stuff and I know D17 said something about me drinking around Christmas but STBX didn't mention it.
I talked more with D17 and we agreed to spend more time together because we have been out of touch. I actually have been getting out of the depression the past week or so and she sees that. But her faith in me is shaken because she thinks in a couple months I'll be back down again.
I really need a local friend who I can go hang out with a few nights a week. I just am stuck on how to find one who has gone through / is going through the things I'm going through.
But this is a wake up call for me. My life and hurt and stress doesn't matter. Yes, I am alone trying to make things work while feeling all the hurt but I can't let that bring me down. The girls need me and STBX is prone to 'got to rescue them from Frank' actions if she thinks things are 'bad' here. They aren't bad, just a lot of emotions in the mud.
