Sounds like a familiar theme here. Now...where did I hear that before? lol. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I'm just working on my business projects today, trying to catch up. I allowed things to fall apart the past month or so and I can't live like this any more.
Keeping the faith, hoping I'll survive. And I'm angry that I allowed myself to get into this negative 'poor me' mode.
I'm fighting to keep focused. After all, I'm the only person my kids really have that can support them. Even if I was dead and my STBX were debt free they'd live in poverty.
Well frankD, I have to say you are motivating me. I have NOT taken my Christmas tree down. Seems like a downer since the family of 5 is now 2, with s22 in NY and d19 in Europe for the semester, and h at his mom's. (She's getting her PET Scan this week so we'll know how the cancer is going). Oh, but Orthodox Christmas is January 9th, so I'm not really that late...no, I'm not Orthodox either...but still.
Yep, I need to take my own advice like you said you do. Okay, done. Starting in the a.m. I'm officially GAL... Same to you! j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I understand our conversation better now after reading your last post. I need to eliminate my BABYSTEPS of detaching emotionally and disengaging emotionally. After our talk tonight, I understand that even though I don't want my reality, I willingly accept my reality because I must. Even though I don't want to detach and disengage from my XW, I willingly do, because I must. I have 'paused' my life for almost 3 years because of baseless fears; fears of embarrassment, fears of failure, fears of not being good enough. Shame on me for not living; for wasting my most precious, non-renewable resource... time.
Perfectly written letters, perfectly prepared talks, and perfectly crafted action plans are perfectly useless when they remain in my mind, in my computer, on my desk or just simply undone. Too often, I polish my mandatory tasks to the point of a standstill and I then downgrade that task to the less important status of necessary or less because polishing is needed elsewhere.
I don't succeed unless I exert my effort, resulting in action. The outcome of my action is relevant. Taking action, by itself, is success, and is the most relevant outcome. I will improve my outcomes through exerting regular effort, resulting in more and better action; practicing. I control THAT, not the outcome. With consistent effort, I will exert more influence over the outcome. I will take charge of me and my life. I will be successful.
Last edited by still hopeful; 01/21/0905:00 AM.
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
Keeping the faith, hoping I'll survive. And I'm angry that I allowed myself to get into this negative 'poor me' mode.
Don't "hope" DO
Crazy thought: you could try being GRATEFUL that you recognize this tendency you have to slip into that "poor me" mode....and that you have this opportunity to learn effective ways to pull yourself out of that nosedive before you arrive on the scene of the crash.
But what the heck do I know - you could screw up so badly that you accidently talk yourself into having a better outlook on life in general. Ha! Wouldn't that be a b*tch!?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yep, I need to take my own advice like you said you do. Okay, done. Starting in the a.m. I'm officially GAL... Same to you!
Me too. leaving my comfort zone.
Originally Posted By: still hopeful
I don't succeed unless I exert my effort, resulting in action. The outcome of my action is relevant. Taking action, by itself, is success, and is the most relevant outcome. I will improve my outcomes through exerting regular effort, resulting in more and better action; practicing. I control THAT, not the outcome. With consistent effort, I will exert more influence over the outcome. I will take charge of me and my life. I will be successful.
Amen!
Originally Posted By: AmyC
Don't "hope" DO
Crazy thought: you could try being GRATEFUL that you recognize this tendency you have to slip into that "poor me" mode....and that you have this opportunity to learn effective ways to pull yourself out of that nosedive before you arrive on the scene of the crash.
But what the heck do I know - you could screw up so badly that you accidently talk yourself into having a better outlook on life in general. Ha! Wouldn't that be a b*tch!?
Things have not been going well. I have been way way down since Christmas. Occasionally drinking. Not being the rock all the time.
Sunday is D17's birthday when she will be 18. She's been planning get togethers with her friends, her mom and moms best female friend, and with her boyfriend.
Last night her female friend canceled the dinner with the rest of the friends because they couldn't afford it due the the limo they all rented together for the Senior Ball costing twice what they had originally thought.
Her mom had to shorten the Saturday time together because she has to work to make more money.
Her boyfriend didn't have concrete plans for them to do something together.
So, she was crying and upset last night.
This morning when she was up she was in a bad mood. Being snippy to me and at one point I reacted to her and got angry. Then she goes into her own rage, telling me I don't care about her, or her birthday. I don't listen to her and I never talk to her so I don't 'know' her.
She left angry when her mother came to pick her up for school.
Later when she came home, she gave me a 3 page 'letter' she wrote 'for you and mom to read'.
Basically it outlines all of my shortcomings, how I refer to OM as 'douchbag' (which I have not done for weeks after she told me she didn't like that) and how I think OM is a jerk for chasing a married woman.
How she thinks I 'cracked' under the pressure during Christmas and drank 3-4 times. How I haven't gotten over W and how W doesn't consider herself married.
A lot of random ramblings but also a wake up call that MY needs and lack of care for myself are bleeding into her life. She understands the enormous financial and emotional pressure I am under but since she only sees her mother on visitation nights she thinks her mother 'has it together' better than I do.
She then went on to list what she wanted to do for her birthday.
We talked about all this stuff. And what it came down to is that she just wanted our family to be together for her birthday instead of her having to do separate things with everyone.
That and not feeling like I 'have it together' making her feel unsafe.
I get all that. So I called her mother and we agreed to go to dinner together to her favorite 'family' restaurant for her birthday on monday or tuesday.
STBX and I talked about how upset D17 was about all this stuff and I know D17 said something about me drinking around Christmas but STBX didn't mention it.
I talked more with D17 and we agreed to spend more time together because we have been out of touch. I actually have been getting out of the depression the past week or so and she sees that. But her faith in me is shaken because she thinks in a couple months I'll be back down again.
I really need a local friend who I can go hang out with a few nights a week. I just am stuck on how to find one who has gone through / is going through the things I'm going through.
But this is a wake up call for me. My life and hurt and stress doesn't matter. Yes, I am alone trying to make things work while feeling all the hurt but I can't let that bring me down. The girls need me and STBX is prone to 'got to rescue them from Frank' actions if she thinks things are 'bad' here. They aren't bad, just a lot of emotions in the mud.
I can't freakin BELIEVE you still think you don't need something along the lines of AA. When you don't drink, you're just a dry drunk, Frank! A DRY DRUNK.
And I can't freakin BELIEVE you would give your wife this kind of ammunition! WTH is wrong with you!? You have created yourself the makings of a self-fulfilling prophecy so you can stay in your comfortable place of self-pity that you've been in all your life.
In all your posts you never mentioned drinking. GET REAL AND KEEP IT REAL, MAN. No one here or anywhere else can ever help you if all you do is put up a front.
IT'S RIDICULOUS!
You don't need a "friend". You need a &%^*$#@ CLUE.
I hope your daughter's letter DID wake you up. You shouldn't have ever been running your mouth to your kids about OM in the first damn place. It's POSTURING.
You vent here. You are not a newbie.
So now you want to come here and get kudos for sucking up to your wife and making dinner plans for your daughter's birthday? Come here and tell us how you've seen the error of your ways?
<INSERT BS FLAG HERE>
I'll let the other posters give you that.
You don't need nor am I asking you to do so but do you know what would impress me?
Get your butt to AA and weekly counseling sessions.
Then join a bowling league or something for christ's sake! New people don't need to "understand" what you're going through - YOU need to cut it the **** loose and get a life.
