The unfaithful wife...that's me..

[25yearsmlc]

Mel,

No it's not silly to recall what you contributed to the m, for God's sake. But it may be pointless to him, it may only matter to you. But so what? Do it for you so you know.

I was an active duty officer in the military, joining the Army b/c h owed the Army for med school and I thought, "if you can't beat em, join 'em" and then I got out of the Army after the first Gulf war b/c we couldn't be assigned together anymore and h's military committment was not up yet.

So then I was a "dependent spouse" (will someone please change that term???) for many years. That's what we do as a couple, and that's how it is for most military families. For us It wasn't a bad life and I'll always miss the comraderie it provided, unlike any other job or community.

Any soldier knows, or should, that military families go thru their own unique isolation, worry and heartache with the lifestyle & deployments. Even in peace time there is always the possibility of a conflict arising over night, and having your world turned upside down. Long separations are the "norm". And the moves to new areas where the kids are always "the new kid" get really old & painful to witness. Our kids got very tired of it and were promised that 3 years of HS would be in one place, and so far I kept that promise. H did not himself. H went off to the tundra for D19's junior and senior year and it has hurt their R so much.... I am still learning of the damage he did when he left, as she shares more with me lately...sad. (H was an Idiot...But again, I have to let go of that).

Thank God your daughter is young and happily clueless. The "contributions" you made as a working mom, let alone a military wife, are HUGE, and he's stupid to pretend otherwise. In denial. He's doing what he wanted, and you figured out how to "bloom where you were planted..." Good for you. Don't let him use your ability to find happiness against you. Thank God you function well enough to not be miserable when things are not ideal for you. Another problem unique to your sitch is the geographic uncertainty of how close you'll ever be to your family of origin.

I feel bad that your mom is sooo dependent on your dad that she can't leave him to visit her kids/grand-kids at all. It's pretty odd but I have some experience with it. My mom comes out and visited every assignment and home we've had, even visited us in Alaska, and she's in her late 80's. But she knows it's easier for her to fly out, and cheaper, than all of us buying tickets. She's retired, not us.

Yet, my mil has visited us once in 20 years. Why? Well, b/c she has 3 dogs and said she couldn't leave them for our s22's HS graduation, or our d19's HS graduation (and s22's college graduation came when mil was sick so h was spared the embarrassment of explaining to our children, her only grandchildren, btw, that the dogs again took priority over them. Yes, others offer to care for the dogs in the dog's home while she's away but she refuses, so she is simply choosing their company over our children's...try explaining that to a kid...). So, it's sad also b/c your mom's R with your d will be necessarily less than they could be otherwise. A 9 hour drive is a breeze to me now, after living in Alaska for for years.

I notice that d19 doesn't feel very close to mil, nor does d11. What a loss that would be if I were mil. But mil doesn't really seem aware of that, if you know what I mean. And your d is only 4, so hopefully you can make time for them to be together. (I'm getting my teaching credential btw, and love the idea of having the same holidays as my d11 and the college d, so you do have that going for you career wise, correct? A blessing indeed).

SO, here are my two other comments. First, as to the "note" he sent , I guess you could ask him for clarification without "attacking" him which is how he'll take it if you don't use extreme care, etc. "H, In terms of a response to your note, Can you help me understand what you want/need from me? I'm not clear on what you are telling me or asking me for..."

Also, getting a "script" for answers when h repeats some types of questions, is totally fine and reasonable if you are not "good on your feet" as my older sister says she isn't. She often asks me for prepared answers, that are still true for her, but she gets panicked in arguments and freezes up, and I'm a L, and a wordsmith so it's pretty much what I do for a living. ("Fast comebacks, my specialty!") (Especially sarcastic biting ones...oops)

OKAY...my second point was...what?? Oh yeah, the "co-dependent" reading and the other revelations you are having about childhood issues affecting you now, is a good valuable thing to do . BUT it is NOT necessarily solution focussed b/c by definition regular therapy looks at how you got somewhere, rather than what to do now, and going forward the way DBing does.

I think DBing is about doing things that work, regardless of whether you know or understand why. My biggest regret (other than being "rightfully angry" so long), is the useless efforts I made to comprehend h when his behavior was incomprehensible. And still is, btw. Accept that you may not ever understand your h, or why he does/says the things he does/says. Heck, I don't understand some things I do and say...

So, yes I think you are growing and learning and you should do that all you can. We all should, especially when it relates to poor choices we make today, b/c of residual crap from the past.

The insights you gain are going to be unsettling as heck at first. Trust me, I did some real work on myself in my late 20's when I became a mom, and I was kind of shocked at first. Some revelations don't lead to change, by the way. YOU have to actually implement the changes you realize you need to make, they don't just happen b/c you suddenly see why you incorrectly believed something. You have to figure out a lot...and then do it.

But please remember that regardless of why our h's do what they do, or how they got where they are, DBing says it's about doing what works today, now. With your sitch, who knows what will happen with your h? All you have control over, as you know of course, is you. What are you going to do from now on, to GAL, regardless of what h does?

Also, since your h's email is so contradictory and vague, you could ignore it. But it'll likely irritate him and he'll somehow try to be a victim or use it as "evidence" that you are uncooperative. Since you are a "woman only a fool would leave", of course, you can simply briefly react with some of the answers herein. Keep it short. Just put it back on him for him to clarify what he needs from you. Shove it back every time he tries to put this on you. He probes, and who knows why? He might not know. Probably wanting to know you are there still, so he can have you waiting...or not. WHO KNOWS?? WHO CARES??

j-