Hi All, I have not been on here since 2003. Alot has changed for me since I was last here. Simple break down of everything
H-43 W-52 M-6/21/90 LU-NIL-7/03 M/OUT- 7/03 Found out @ OW-7/03 (was involved before the move out) D- 6/23/05 (married 15 yrs- together 17 yrs)
FULL BLOWN MLC, all the symtoms...
Everyone in his family said "you have to get over it, he just doesnt love you anymore". "He is to young for MLC, he just isnt happy." "Get over with it and move on with your life." Blamed the kids (step ch that he raised from 1-infancy,2-youth's) for everything, blamed me for everything...etc. etc. etc...
Got the OW before the big blast....
3 mos after he moved out of our house and into his own appt, he started the process of divorce. I got a very good atty and made sure I was taken care of. Went to court and a judge made him decide, cause he kept playing the game of postponing. Was very upset that the judge did not rule with him. Seems the judge had the OW's love note in his possession, when he stated that there was no one else(was left in my car after he took her out in it).
Moving forward...we are now 5 yr later and seems that XH and OW couldnt make that grass grow as green as they thought they could..lasted about a yr.
But the children that he wanted no part of back then, he seems to be wanting some time with them now. XH ran into D at her old job. Was sitting there having lunch when D came in. Seen her and walked over to her and gave her a kiss and they sat and talked for 1 1/2 hrs. Asked D for her number and has called her since. D told me he was sorry for the way things went, and also that he did not go to Son wedding a few yrs back, as he was still in bad way (Drinking and drugs) and he didnt want to ruin his day. Also asked for youngest D number to call her as well. Asked her about me etc.. Wants to spend time with our gs now, and wants to see his other 2 gc. I was happy that my d got to talk to XH, they all still love him. They do not hate him, they dont like what he did but I think being older when this happened was alot easier for them.
I DBed myself to get where I am today. My own woman,self reliant on no one.
Me- moved from the state we lived in and started a new life away from the memories. Bought my own house and have a nice relationship with a nice man for 3 yrs now. The R that I am in now is good, but also has some issues and I can say see you later to him as well.
I have a problem now...I have always had a unconditional love for this man XH. I was smart and stayed away and gave him his space and never pushed or never contacted him unless it concerned one of the kids medically.(Once in the 5yrs, when our youngest D had a miscarraige) But every single day think of him. Now more than ever.
HELP! I know he is out of this cloud of MLC..and I think I want him back.
Anything good in life is worth waiting for! Take care of you!
H-43 W-52 M-6/21/90 LU-NIL-7/03 M/OUT- 7/03 Found out @ OW-7/03 (was involved before the move out) D- 6/23/05 (married 15 yrs- together 17 yrs)
floridababe, It's been quite a ride for you and a long one too. I wouldn't be in too much of a rush just yet to attempt reconciling. He's just starting the reconnecting w/his family and he's still got to reconnect w/you. Also, he's got to prove himself trustworthy once again. If you take him back too soon, he'll have no respect for you. Take things very slowly, for he needs to fully understand the depth of the destruction that he left behind. He now needs to earn your respect, friendship trust back once again.
BTW, I'm very glad he is slowly coming back to earth. Again, take it very slowly.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Actually he did ask my D if I was still with "that man". And when she told him I was, he just looked down. I think he would have asked for my number if he had heard something different.I will defintely not take him back now. I am just so happy that he is trying to connect with the kids. That is just so important for them. They sure did miss him. Oh he will have to do alot of bending and he will give me alot more respect than ever before. Thats even for me to talk to him again. The good thing is that I moved to another state so I can not just run into him and fall under that damn spell I fell into yrs ago. I am alot stronger now than ever before and I know what I want and what I will get.
Thank you so much for your comments. Its kind of hard trying to talk to any one in my family and I really dont have alot of gf's being I moved. So I knew I had to come back here where I could get the answers I needed. I wish you all well in your journeys. It is hard and frigthening at times but if you are strong in heart you can do it....Thank you!!!
Anything good in life is worth waiting for! Take care of you!
H-43 W-52 M-6/21/90 LU-NIL-7/03 M/OUT- 7/03 Found out @ OW-7/03 (was involved before the move out) D- 6/23/05 (married 15 yrs- together 17 yrs)
Just an update. Youngest d had some car trouble and called her dad. He came right away and fixed her car and now they have a solid relationship again. In the last week, he just had some major surgery on his knee and will also have some on his shoulder. He had a bad car accident a few months ago. She stayed over his house to help him and he has been giving her some cash for gas to come over, as it is a far ride for her. Anyway, news is that he asked her to call me and for me to please call him. So I did, not right away but when I had the time. It was nice to talk to him. It was like time stood still for us, kindof. No talk of our relationship/breakup. We spoke of the kids and his health issues as well as mine. Talked about our parents (which when the MLC was happening hated both of mine) Asked me to call him again, and told him that he can call me if he likes. Did I do the right thing?
Anything good in life is worth waiting for! Take care of you!
H-43 W-52 M-6/21/90 LU-NIL-7/03 M/OUT- 7/03 Found out @ OW-7/03 (was involved before the move out) D- 6/23/05 (married 15 yrs- together 17 yrs)
Do you think you did right? That's the question...how do you feel about your interaction w/him? Where you comfortable interacting w/him? Where your conversations easy and uncomplicated, i.e., like talking to an old friend? If you can say yes to at least two of my questions, then you did okay. Only you can determine how things went and if things were left on an even keel between the two of you.
BTW, how are things going for you?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sounds like you did the the thing you wanted to do, and were willing to risk. So it must have been the right thing at the time.
Will it result in what you want? That depends on what you want? Can you make a short list of what you want, starting with occasional civil contact and working up the list to a restored relationship? Somewhere in the list is shared family holidays, but maybe not joint vacations. How far up the list are you willing to stop? How far up the list do you think he wants to go?
There is the potential for cake eating if it is all up to him.
You need to determine your limits along with your goals. How much less are you willing to settle for yourself? How much more risk are you willing to take? Great rewards require great risks but you must be prepared for all outcomes even if that means a slow journey on a long timeline. Despite some stories, MLCers aren't Pop Tarts. They don't just shoot out of the tunnel ready to serve.
I think you’ve done the right thing contacting him. It sounds like it went well.
It’s early there’s no need to consider re-establishing any R other than one of friends and co-parents at this point.
What would be your goals for this new R?
You also need to consider you current partner. Was he a rebound? What sort of life have you built with him? Should you be honest with him and let him know that your X has been in touch – that only seems fair.
