in a galaxy far, far away...

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks SC, but I dont have the nerve to do that!

Why not? And I don't think he has the guts to file....if he did he wouldn't be hangin' around dragging his feet. But even still, so what if he files! That at least gets you off the hook for taking on that headache.

I'm not talking about being mean, really!!! I am just talking about setting some firm reasonable boundaries! He can't come unless he gives advance notice. He should meet with S on his turf. You need to make that house your kingdom! Your safe zone! And if you just tell him that you have come to realize that he is right, and that you both do need to step back and try to get a clearer look at what will make you happy, and you can't do that if your living under the gun of his presence, or even his potential presence unannounced!

Well, that's MHO anyway.....

I wish we could all meet - wouldnt that be great?

Yes, it would be a really great thing!!! I'd love it! Like I've said before, we need to have a convention!!

[Virtually_Handsome]

There's nothing going on here! It's kind of annoying that when it comes down to it, we have to do anything that relates to the R, whether it is positive or negative. To them it isn't a concern.

[faithisbelieving]

Keeping someone in the house may be good for the DB beginner....now? Unh unh.

We can't tell you what to do but H certainly gets to do what he wants, no? How many more months do you want to live this way? How does H view you? What message should H get? I disagree with glamgirl. Detaching will be easier. He will be faced with reality. Again, is it time for an LRT. Michele doesn't tell you to languish while your H is abandoning you.

BM...do you have a marriage now? You can still treat H à là Glamgirl while he is out of the house.

FIB

[dl443322]

Well, I had a db coach session today. Wanted an opinion about all this. Guess what, she told me not to tell h to leave for good. She said to greet him when he comes home as if it doesnt bother me at all.

Bet you all didnt see that one coming, did you? Me either. I said to her, but he has been doing this for a long time. Maybe the last two weeks its been more official. But what does he see me as - a doormat. She again said I should not tell him to go - just act as if I am moving forward. Ask him about his week, tell him about mine.

So, there you go.

But I know what I have to do. I just pray I have the guts to do it.

FIB, thanks for posting. And no, I do not have a marriage now. And I am sure he views me as the wuss that I am.

[Silent Chrleader]

[[[[[[BM]]]]]]

But I know what I have to do. I just pray I have the guts to do it.

So, are you going to follow the coaches advice? I said much the same a couple days ago.....

......If you could really let go and GAL for you and your son, and just leave H sitting there, like nothing but another piece of furniture in your house, then I would say to leave the decision to stay or go in his lap and don't react either positively or negatively no matter what he does!

However, it appears that you may have reached a point where you may not be able to do that (and believe me, there is no shame in saying "enough is enough"!! I could never have made it as long as you have!!!).

Only you can make that choice, BM. In my opinion, it is impossible for you at this point to make a wrong choice! As I have said, from my own experience, seperation was a good growth thing for me, and I don't think I could ever have reached the point I am now in letting go if we were still living together.

You know I support you whatever you choose!!

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

The bottom line is only you can look in your heart and know what you can comfortably do and what you can't. You are NOT a wuss!!!! What you are is a faithful, warm, caring woman who loves her H and doesn't want to be sorry for her choices down the road!

There is no single right answer. If your H keeps dragging his feet and you can really let go and be happy while ignoring your H's comings and goings, that would obviously be the best because he would see the changes in you more easily. On the other hand, if you are not able to distance yourself emotionally while having such constant exposure to him, then there is no shame in that!

In fact, if you can't drop the rope the way the coach advised while your H is still coming and going without notice, then it may be better if you seperate, so you can be more in control of when you see him, and have the time to prepare yourself and put your best foot forward on those occaisions.

I am by no means an expert, like the coach, and her advice is good advice......but don't take it like "this is what you have to do" or you're a wuss! I don't believe that is the truth.

Be kind to yourself, my friend! You deserve it!!!!