SC, it is so hard to be around them and feel the distance. That is why I am so torn about what to do. It kills me to see him here at home and have him treat me like an aquaintance after 30 years together.
We are kind to each other, thoughtful. But it is so awkward, so cold. He never, ever, in all these months, gave me any indication that he still loves me. That he still wants me.
When he is gone for days at a time, he does not call. I just dont think I could move forward with him here. I wish I could. Really.
If the marriage is over, and I think it is for now, then maybe it is best if he leaves. For me. And maybe he needs to feel the loss of us for him to be able to return. Right now, he does his thing and then comes home and hangs with his son. He really does have the best of both worlds.
And I try to live my life, but I know that I keep looking for some sign from him for hope. It breaks my heart everyday.
BM for months and possibly a year and a half, my h was cold and distant. I think the longest we had NO contact was for 3 weeks or more. He is not going to give you any indication he still loves you. Don't look for that. He is lost and gone for NOW!
Also for the longest time my h would not contact me for days at a time. For example, if he came to the house on a sunday and then was expected again until Thursday, we would not here from him on Mon Tues or Wed. In the beginning he really only came to the house once or twice a week. Sometimes not at all. Now he comes over 5-6 days a week.
I guess what I am saying here, is that what is the absolute today might not be the same a year or 2 later. That is why this is a process and a long journey.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Hey G, thanks for posting. I hear ya. I know it is a long journey. My problem right now is he is telling me that he is leaving. He goes for four days, then comes back. I asked him what his plan is. He said he is doing it slowly for son.
I think he is leaving for good next week. If not, I am going to tell him that I think he has to. He cant keep doing this to me or our son. We cant move forward like this.
So, h is still away since Monday night. I have not heard a thing from him. Still thinking on what to say regarding him coming and going. Not sure if I should just wait to see if he is going to come back and leave again.
He said he is doing it slowly for son. How slowly, I dont know. \ Feeling sad today. I am beginning to feel that h needs to be totally gone before anything can happen between us. I know most people say it is better to have them in the house, but I think he needs to do this for him.
And you know him best, so you are probably right! I think you should change the locks on all the doors and then wait and see what he does. If/When he shows up again, act surprised he's there and then tell him that he needs to call and make pre-arrangements before coming over. Tell him that you need your space and time to heal and work on you and that you can't relax if you are nervous that he is going to be showing up unannounced all the time.
Mind you, be friendly and tell him you don't mean to exile him from your son, but remind him that he doesn't have to worry about you dropping in on him un-announced at the OW's mother's place, so you deserve that same respect.
And then, when/if he calls and comes over, make it a point to be gone!! Out of the house. Even if you just drive to the store, it doesn't matter. Just be gone, and don't tell him where you were.
In fact, his meetings with your son should not be in the house. That house needs to be your space exclusively! Claim it! Make it yours! Be calm and kind, but direct and stand your ground!
I actually met sandycay in person last evening for coffee and we talked for 3 hours! She is a very smart lady, and this is pretty much what she did to with her H, and has been very successful!!
[[[[[[BM]]]]]]
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
I am one who doesn't think it is always better to have them in the house. Your case is one where I think it would be better for him to be out. I think you are stuck until he leave. He needs to go for him, but also to give you the room to work on you without worrying about what he is thinking.
Thanks SC, but I dont have the nerve to do that! But I do have to do something. My h would be really pissed and probably run to file. When I didnt tell him our plans for Thanksgiving (since he didnt ask and assumed we'd stay home, he was pissed and thats when he told me he was really leaving.
But it would be a huge 180 for me to stop being such a freakin wuss. Really. It's embarrasing. Ok, I have to stop thinking about it right now - I am turning red!
Hey Jeff, what up? I know you feel that way. I am a big chicken. Afraid to ruffle his feathers. Mostly for our son who misses him so much and for me. It would start the whole filing, selling the home and all thing for me.
If someone would have told me I would be such a wuss and let someone walk all over me, I would have told them they were crazy.
You know, it so hard for me because he is so kind and thoughtful when he is here. He even made me breakfast last weekend. I was busy in my room and he knocked on the door to say there was eggs for me. I thanked him and took my time, he took his downstairs.
Once again, I was in the twilight zone of MLC. And I am starting to feel a little too comfortable there with all the crazies.
